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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need the strength to walk away

15 replies

GeekyGirl42 · 16/09/2019 21:00

3 weeks ago, after months of verbal abuse, a threat of violence towards me, and inappropriate disciplining of my daughter, I told my partner of 2 years to leave the house immediately.

Since then, she has written a beautiful apology letter to my daughter, made arrangements to go to therapy, and made tearful appeals to start dating me again with a clean slate. She's not a bad person, she just doesn't have much emotional maturity, and I can't have that around my daughter, even if I were prepared to take on the exhausting role of looking after the relationship for both of us.

I said that I wasn't able to work out what was right, and I needed space. I asked her not to contact me until end of November, and in the meantime we should focus on making ourselves as happy as possible, individually. I sometimes feel a very strong hope that this can be slowly rebuilt. Her first reaction was to accuse me of being with someone else, but she calmed down and agreed.

For 24 hours.

Just had a text asking if I want to go to an LGBT Community event with her, which she knows full well I would have wanted to go to with her, as it's somewhere we could be exactly who we are as a lesbian couple. I'm heartbroken, partly because a part of me wanted to throw all my decisions up until now away and say yes, but also because I know this is a sign she cannot respect my boundaries, even when I make them very clear.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 16/09/2019 21:03

After months of verbal abuse.
This isn’t something you can rebuild. She’s not remorseful because she’s been awful. She’s sorry you’ve told her to leave. It’s over.

tribpot · 16/09/2019 21:09

after months of verbal abuse, a threat of violence towards me, and inappropriate disciplining of my daughter

it's somewhere we could be exactly who we are as a lesbian couple

This is who you are as a lesbian couple. Abuse, threats towards your child, refusal to respect your boundaries.

You need time away from her to start to reset your responses - and I would consider the Freedom Programme.

GeekyGirl42 · 16/09/2019 21:13

I've got an appointment with Women's Aid this week - will ask them about that

OP posts:
GeekyGirl42 · 17/09/2019 09:45

And to top it all off, my Dad (who behaved in a very similar way when I was younger), thinks I've overreacted and is encouraging all of this

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 17/09/2019 09:47

Red flags everywhere.
If she can't give you time now when your relationship depends on it, it means your wishes count for nothing and never will.

Wolfiefan · 17/09/2019 10:04

Because he thinks this sort of dreadful behaviour is ok and wants to make you believe the same. That excuses him. If you grew up with this as your norm you really should look into the freedom programme or something else to reset that idea. It really isn’t ok. It’s not normal and you deserve so much better.

GeekyGirl42 · 17/09/2019 10:06

Starting to dawn on me that maybe there's two people that need to be cut out of my life. All this whilst my Mum is showing signs of dementia, so it feels like I'm loosing everyone

OP posts:
category12 · 17/09/2019 10:11
Flowers

Sorry, but she is who she is.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/09/2019 10:17

but she calmed down and agreed.
For 24 hours.
So it's still all about her then!?

You need to be clear now!
'I've asked for space and you are ignoring me. Overstepping my boundaries yet again. I am going to have to block you now and I will contact you when I am ready'

3 weeks is not enough time for an abuser to turn their life around. Not even close!!!!!
She will need minimum of a year of intense therapy to get sorted out. And while that is happening, you should NOT be with your 'victim'
In fact you should not be in contact at all.
It's all crap and it's all manipulation.
Time to bow out for your DD sake as well!

AmIThough · 17/09/2019 10:21

and inappropriate disciplining of my daughter,

Presumably this is your daughter and not hers?
If you're willing to forgive her abuse etc, that's your lookout. But what about your daughter?
She should be your priority - 100%.

GeekyGirl42 · 17/09/2019 10:37

@AmIThough that bit I'm clear on. She does not move back in or have anything to do with my daughter for the foreseeable. She agrees with this too.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 17/09/2019 10:39

She also agreed to not speak to you for two months. She managed a day. How long before she starts pushing to see DD?

category12 · 17/09/2019 10:39

Op, she can't even maintain boundaries for 24 hours. You need to let go.

GeekyGirl42 · 17/09/2019 20:23

Thanks everyone for the support on this thread. I'm going to close the door on this relationship and take back my happiness one step at a time. Seeing women's aid later this week, and will ask about freedom programme (although a bit worried the description of "the dominator" is too male specific)

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 18/09/2019 08:53

Definitely do the freedom programme.
It will help you in so many ways.
It's for all types of abuse from all types of people.
Whether it's family, friends or partners.

Get your happiness back. So glad you are going to work on that!
Good luck to you and your DD!

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