I fully expect to be roasted on here, and definitely need to give my head a wobble
20 years ago I met someone who I fell for pretty quickly. I found out following this that he had a partner, and (very stupidly) continued to see him. I have no doubt he was using me in the beginning, I was at his beck and call, I think he knew he was under my skin, and was basically his booty call. I terminated a pregnancy also during this time. This went on for a few years, until he moved away. Before this, we would have regular contact via email and would often message several times a week.
After he moved away we would contact each other occasionally and meet if he was occasionally in my area (just to talk, and usually kiss). I met someone a few years later, which was a whirlwind, and we had a DS. I kept in occasional contact with this man, although nothing sexual in it. I always thought of him, however focused on my family. He also had a DS with his partner around the same time.
I met this man during a night out several years ago. He suggested going for lunch. This didn't materialise,and I found myself thinking of him as before. I decided then to cut contact. He then messaged me to say that the thought of not seeing me again kills him, and that he thinks of me all the time (which he still maintains). I was hopeless about him from then, as i was as before, and felt that maybe it was meant to be. We see each other when we are able to.
I tried to break it off with this man, but appeared genuinely upset. When I tried to speak to him about it being over, he kept trying to put the conversation off. He later said that he wanted to 'give it a go' with me around this time.
I have asked him how he feels about me, however says that we need to spend a longer period of time together (rather than a couple of hours) as feels we know each other well in one way, not in the other). I take from this that he wants to have his cake and eat it for as long as possible.
I absolutely do not want to split either family up..I just wish I didn't feel this way. I feel awful about what I am doing to his partner. It does not feel that my partner and I are in a relationship as such..we are more like housemates. He is an amazing dad and deserves to have someone to give him what I can't. We have spoken about splitting up previously, which he agreed to, however it didn't materialise, so it seems we are just plodding on for now. There is no intimacy. I would love to forget this man all together, to concentrate on my family, it seems impossible after all these years.