I'm annoyed with my mother

[SheepGoesBaa]

I'm in Ireland. Mortgages are out of reach for so many people. Rents are climbing through the roof, that's if someone is lucky to even find a place. I live at home. I certainly don't take advantage of this and I help at home.

The situation with the family home is a complete mess. The parents are separated a long time. The house is in my father's name. My mother, in all the years separated, never made any attempt to separate and divorce from my father. Until last year and we discovered he was in big debt and he was due to lose his second home. We all got worried the family home would get caught up in this mess. That's when mumy mother decided to move with a divorce. He was ill as well and she had worries that his debts would fall on her back.

Here we are over a year later since my mother went down the divorce track and the whole entire process is so so so slow. There's still no hearing for a divorce.

I met my father out and he's not well. He's not well at all. He's not looking after his health smoking and drinking and he's not walk. He was up and walking about but he's not well. I think its only a matter of time for him. Honestly, I really don't know if he's going to see Christmas.

That's means there's going to be an absolute shit storm about the family home. If he has a will made, he could leave to anyone but I think my mother would be able to contest it. If there's isn't a will made, this is where its going to get very complicated. The family home, 1/3 of it will go to our mother. The rest with be divided between his offspring. Again, this is where its getting complicated. My father has another son with a different woman so it means he will get a share in the family home. I have a sister who has fallen out with the family. Instead of leaving the family she took her issues and her hurts out onto the family in the form of harassment. It's been very heavy from her for a few years. Very vulgar kind of stuff from her. We all got a go from her. It means she will probably get a piece of the family home. She will absolutely put blocks into our way with the family home. I spoke to my mother and I told her my honest opinion and my understanding of the situation and I told it will probably lead to a case where we will all have to buy each other out of the family home or something like that. My mother doesn't understand it. She's very weak on the situation. I spoke to my mother begg3and pleading with her to speak to her solicitor in regards to the divorce and put pressure on him to get it moving. We have no time to waste here. She won't do it. She does understand the seriousness of this situation and we're probably going to be facing homelessness.

The last sentence should read, she doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation and possibly facing homelessness.

I understand. Something similar happened to a friend a few years ago. She did end up homeless.

If your mum has adult children she’s probably 40+, and the older she is the more likely she is to have grown up with the idea that marriage is a sacrament, divorce is a sin and shameful, etc. It can be hard to overcome that kind of indoctrination.

Also, if she suffers from anxiety, it will seem to her that the only thing to do is to block it from your mind and pretend it isn’t happening.

I realise that doesn’t help you but it might make you less impatient with her. This wasn’t supposed to happen, it’s not part of her expectation. She doesn’t know what to do next.

A heck of a lot seems to fall on you.

You need to get your head round at best getting a third of two thirds of the family home. Can the sister and half-brother force a sale, under Irish law? Have you applied for housing from the county, in your own right? Is that available? It might help to be already on a list if the worst happens.

Did you talk to your dad when you saw him? How does he feel about his family/families? Is he close to anyone else, that he might leave everything to?

Barryfromclareisfit

To some degree I understand why she didn't try to divorce til now. She was in favour of the divorce referendum in the 90s. My father was a violent man. If my mother went down the road of a divorce, he would know he would be ordered by the court to pay maintenance and my mother would have been killed. She's doing it now because he doesn't have a leg to stand on any more. He's old, sick and frail.

I just want the family home in my mother's name. I don't care about anything else.

I did some rough calculations from the value of the house. 1/3 of the house would be worth nearly 25000 euro. Trust me, my sister will want that windfall. Now, our saving grace might me, she's in a minimum wage job, and civil matters can be costly she might not go down the route of chasing a share of the family home.

Would she see a solicitor if you make the appointment and go with her?

However, I honestly think you'd be better off making plans to move out and live independently of both your parents as the stress of the current situation must be very unhealthy for you.

I also think you need to accept that if either of your parents make potentially stupid mistakes, you cannot interfere to change the situation and maybe you'd be better off distancing yourself for a bit?

I'm not au fait with Irish law but I believe that all the children automatically inherit something even if there's a will to the contrary? It's very different to English law in that respect.

Something else to add, my sister has displayed an incredible amount of poison in her over the past few years with the fall out from the family. She's someone who wouldn't wish someone else well. Shes someone who would only pray hard for hardship and homelessness to come and greet us all for a haw haw haw haw laughing revenge exercise.

Her thought process is warped. Nobody set out in the family to hurt her feelings ow whatever but to this day we must pay for all our wrongs. It's petty rubbish from her. For example, she got up in arms with our mother after our niece was born because our mother had framed pictures of the new baby and my sister wasn't anywhere in the pictures. It wasn't deliberate from our mother. She never had photographs on the walls growing up but her first grandchild changed that. My sister wasn't happy and she 'cut contact' with our mother. From my sister and her words her text 'our mother and the rest of us were dead to her' but she wouldn8leave us alone with a harassment. We must all lay for her hurt feelings.

I think my sister would be only to delighted to blocks in our way over the family home and the ultimate revenge, put us out on the street.

There's a county council and a housing list but social housing in Ireland is poor limited and poor and waiting lists are long. It could be 10/15 years and as I'm relatively single with no children I probably woundnt be their top priority.

Can you get your mum to a good family law solicitor?

It's a complex situation, a lot will depend on whether your dad has made a will.

Adult children are not automatically entitled to a share of the estate if there's a will - if they challenge it I think they have to show they are financially dependent (so the estranged sister may not have a leg to stand on).

If your mum has paid the mortgage on the house by herself all these years she may be entitled to a lot more of the house than half - but a solicitor will advise properly.

My mother applied for state aid in relation to legal costs and she was awarded that and she was appointed a solicitor last year. She has regular meetings with him. About once every 3 months or so. The whole entire process is so slow. She's been working on the divorce with that solicitor for the past year and there is still no progress. There no date for a divorce hearing yet in court. I can't bel3its taking so long. I want my mam to phone the solicitor with urgency and tell him how serious things are. I really don't think my father is going to see Christmas.

There was no mortgage ever on the house. My father got a small loan in the 80s, not from a bank but from a local housing scheme. He was a builder and he built the house himself. There was no mortgage. It turns out he never even paid off that loan (because he was too busy getting drunk and chasing women around the village when I was small).

My mam already has a solicitor and her appointments are paid for with the states aid. My issue now is that, this has to be moved along, a.s.a.p.

It could be 10/15 years and as I'm relatively single with no children I probably woundnt be their top priority.

OP, you give an impression that you are more concerned about your own well being. Your siblings are entitled to inheritance if there is something left over once the debts are paid off. I believe you are a grown up, so instead of 'being annoyed with your mother' you need to start getting on your own two feet.

Theres a situation at home where I have another sibling at home. He's an adult. There's a situation where she takes pity on him because he's a lad and she's doesn't like to ask him for money for bills and repairs and maintenance. Just this summer he cut the grass for the first time in 3 years and my mother was nearly bowing down to him. Even in recent times he left his job and the dole is 200 euro a week and it's all pocket money for him. There was another bill paid this morning and not even one euro did he pay.

I'm paying into a household that isn't even in my mothers name. Should I stop paying into this household now and start a getaway fund and feather my own nest? Some of the household bills are in my name too. Should I cancel them bills in my name?

I really do think its a matter of time for my father. I'm not upset about this really. I'm not happy with him. He had it good. He had a wife and family that he didn't want all them years ago. The woman he left our mother for is now gone from him too. He bought his second house in the 90s when prices were very reasonable. He had it good. He was self employed and he was rolling in money for a long time. Multiple holidays abroad for his partner and other child, a speed boat and other machinery. He had the money for a long time but he blew it all on alcohol and a 60 day smoking habit.

I really do think theres a shitstorm looming in regards to the family home. On one hand I would love to see the family home saved but on the other hand, I don't want to be dragged into a battle to save this sinking ship.

Another post of mine on mumsnet a user painted a very clear picture of things to come. Basically saying, I will probably be required to give up my job to care for my mother when she gets old. If the house is ever transferred into her name, any will she makes and the house will be left to my brother because she will pity him because of the way she's raising him to be useless. I would be the one keeping the show on the road with the house and for what?

I kinda hope your father leaves everything to the local cat home.

OP you need to get out and sort yourself out. I don’t want to sound unkind but your mother is an adult, she’s been an adult a lot longer than you have. If she hasn’t settled her business then I’m afraid it’s her own look out. You mean while are also an adult. You need to stop worrying about other grown adults and make sure your own future is secure. Your brother will have to do the same, and if your mother decides to keep carrying him then again, it’s her look out. It sounds to me like they’re all leaning on you and expecting you to do it all. You will ultimately end up giving your life, your emotional energy and your money just so they don’t have to. Don’t do it, it’ll do you no good and you’ll get no thanks for it.

Are u in ni or Ireland? If UK the whole property will go to your mum as spouse if your father has no will. (if divorce doesn't go through in time)

Please ignore I reread and you said Ireland... Dont know the law there but are you sure it goes equally between spouse and children?
Id try to plan your life based on what you have and earn rather than inheritance.

If your dad has a lot of debt then there might not be much if anything left anyway.

Forget the house and the divorce. These things can take years, and if he’s not got long left then it’s too late anyway. Concentrate on damage limitation and securing your own future.

Surfskate,

I don't care about an inheritance. I'm not banking on one either.

The law could be similar here in Ireland too about spouses (if divorce doesn't go in on time). There's a huge problem though. The father is in debt to the tune of 160000 euro not to mention all of the fees - solicitor, accountant, estate agent fees built up over the past 18 months. It could be likely where my mother inherits his debts.

It's his second home that's caught up with the banking but there are???? marks over the family home. There's no immediate danger of us losing the family home but it is still in jeopardy.

Damage limitation and securing your own future. That's it right there. I need to start thinking about myself for once and start putty myself first instead of others.

Oh wow he's got into it deeply. So here debtors could put a charge for the debt amount in the family home. Up to 50% of the value of equity in it assuming its jointly owned by only your mother and father.
Regular creditors debt is not inherited such as bank loans credit cards etc. So your mum cannot inherit it as such. Care home fees I believe are possible if she benefits from an estate. But it sounds like there will be no remaining estate.
I'm not a legal advisor I used to be a mortgage adviser and that was some years ago so have a little knowledge of UK financial law outside of mortgages. However It could be worth chatting to a lawyer in your country to get definitive advice

If they put a charge it doesn't necessarily mean your mum and family will have to move