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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you found out a man...

26 replies

PumpkinP · 16/09/2019 09:43

Had been violent to his ex would you still date him?

My friend has just found out the man she’s known one week hit his ex yet she’s still dating him. I just don’t get it, she’s 30s a professional and has a child herself.

Would you still date him? I obviously get why women don’t leave violent relationships but I don’t understand why someone would willingly date someone who they know has been violent and she justified if by saying she thinks he “only” hit her. I’m finding it hard not to judge.

OP posts:

bluebell34567 · 16/09/2019 09:47

i agree with you op.

MrsSpenserGregson · 16/09/2019 09:48

No, I wouldn't date him. I'd run for the hills.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 16/09/2019 09:53

Nope. My exH is abusive in every way possible yet his gf thinks the sun shines. Apparently it was the abusive one

Original poster

PumpkinP · 16/09/2019 10:01

THere are so many red flags and she’s just choosing to ignore them. He’s made her his girlfriend after one week apparently?! I know she’s going to expect me to meet him at some point but I really don’t want to.

OP posts:

darkriver19886 · 16/09/2019 10:03

No way.

Jomo2387 · 16/09/2019 10:27

She must be fucking desperate

Badolddays · 16/09/2019 10:28

How does she know?

Original poster

PumpkinP · 16/09/2019 10:36

So she was meant to go to his house on Saturday but he was working late so cancelled. This caused her to say that she was done with him, roll on yesterday he shows up at her house unannounced (another clear red flag) to talk, this is when he has come out with all this stuff, because he lives with his kids (he’s the RP apparently) and he explained about his ex apparently and how she use to always call the police on him and he “only” hit her once but apparently it’s ok because they now get on and are civil.

OP posts:

Windydaysuponus · 16/09/2019 10:43

Have you googled him? Suggest she asks the police about Claire's Law.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 16/09/2019 10:46

I have found alot of women want to believe the mans version and really believe it will never happen to them not just with abuse, controlling, cheating, men who don't bother with their children from previous relationships many women enter into relationships fully aware of the mans past and don't seem to give it a second thought, thy see above guy in front of them and that's it, me I'm the other way if I hear anything that shows the mans character in this light I leave it there and don't look back, I often use to think this when I was younger and would give advice to friends and such but they always carried on seeing these men not even taking it slow sometimes and of corse it never worked out mostly for the exact same reasons as they heard from previous relationships he had been in

Original poster

PumpkinP · 16/09/2019 10:56

Yeah she said she has googled him and nothing comes up apparently. I think what he has told her probably isn’t the full extent but I doubt she would do a Claire law as I don’t think she would go to the police station. Like I said she works in a professional role herself so it really is mind boggling that she’s still going to date him. After yesterday she messaged me saying she’s going to have to end it, later that evening I messaged her to ask if everything was ok and got “yeh we are just in bed”

I agree with you Makesmilingyourbesthobby I think a lot of it is thinking it won’t happen to them, she said she’s not looking for anything serious anyway so it doesn’t matter but he is already calling her his gf after 7 days.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 16/09/2019 11:03

She must be so desperate for a boyfriend if she's willing to accept a violent man.

She also needs to be careful that, if he has full care of his children, that he doesn't just want someone who'll do the childcare - calling her his girlfriend so quickly really rings alarm bells, never mind the violence.

Closetbeanmuncher · 16/09/2019 11:07

Take a massive step back and leave her to crack on with it.

It's blindingly obvious to anyone with half a brain the way this will play out but if she insists on being with him there isn't really much you can do but give the whole thing a wide berth.

timshelthechoice · 16/09/2019 11:08

NFW. She keeps dating and I'd actually report her to SS because she has a kid. You can do a Claire's Law yourself.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 16/09/2019 11:09

She doesn't need to go to a police station, she can ring 101 to make a request under Clare's Law.

And so can you if you have concerns for her safety.

boredboredboredboredbored · 16/09/2019 11:09

She's known him a week?

Original poster

PumpkinP · 16/09/2019 11:13

They met last Sunday.

I have my suspicions about that as the children are very young.

I doubt ss would be interested in it as her child is 16 next month.

I’m pretty sure you have to attend the police station with Claire’s law as I looked into it myself regarding my own ex?? Said I would need to attend the station.

OP posts:

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 16/09/2019 11:17

Awful decision. She also needs to understand that if she knowingly brings a violent man into her life, that Social Services may (rightly) deem her child to be at risk and act accordingly. Is she really willing to risk the wellbeing of her child, just to get laid?

MrsGarethSouthgate · 16/09/2019 11:17

I'm a police officer, you don't have to attend the station. You make the request via 101, it gets assessed, and then a decision is made as to whether your friend is at risk. If that decision is that she is, a police officer will call her and arrange to meet her somewhere, where the disclosure will be given to her in person.

MrsGarethSouthgate · 16/09/2019 11:19

Also Social Services will be interested up to the child reaching 18.

Original poster

PumpkinP · 16/09/2019 11:20

I don’t know if she plans on introducing him to get child, don’t really know what her plan is tbh. I will double check the Claire’s law thing I was told you need to come to the station so they can confirm your identity.

OP posts:

Original poster

PumpkinP · 16/09/2019 11:21

Her child*

OP posts:

CIareIsland · 16/09/2019 11:24

What I is her relationship history?

BogglesGoggles · 16/09/2019 11:26

Never. But at the same time it’s not always a red flag. I know someone who had a one off incident on domestic violence happen in their relationship (more serious than hitting though). The victim had been emotionally abusing the perpetrator for years until they finally snapped. Sadly it’s not uncommon for people subjected to physiological abuse to snap and react very violently very suddenly. I know another person who snapped and did something very violent towards a parent after years of psychological abuse (I trust this person and don’t think that their partner would be in danger in any way). Still wouldn’t date anyone who had done something like that. On a fundamental level you can never know what actually happened unless you were there or you knew both parties well enough to be able to make a judgement.

Windydaysuponus · 16/09/2019 11:45

He could be looking for free child care. If he has ss /Cafcass in his life he may want a family unit to present as a good df...
He sounds dodgy though...

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