Do relationships ever work second time around?

[retsez]

...is my question.

I broke up with my long-term partner about 2 years ago, after he fell out of love with me. With less emotional hindsight, this was not unreasonable as I had some unpleasant personality traits that were quite damaging, so it was a wakeup call for me. Since then I have worked hard on changing these (for my own benefit and self-improvement). He was not perfect either.

Over the past few months he's recently been back in touch, more and more. His WhatsApps are all fun and light, with lots of "xxx" and kiss/wink emojis with daily chat like it was when we were together. I am more guarded and have not reciprocated the kisses and emojis. We haven't met in person, so this is all text chat so far.

But I am of course wondering what his goal is. He's had another shortish relationship since we split, but that didn't work out.

Is he just looking to put on the old pair of comfortable shoes again?
I know the only person who can really answer that is him. But (more importantly?) I also need to work out whether I am into the idea; or if I am just clinging onto the idea of the "known known". And if this contact is pointless or even harmful to me.

Anyone been there, done that?

(NC'd for this)

Love can work second time round - I know a couple who remarried after several years apart, however you don’t sound too enthusiastic about it. Maybe meet up with him and see how you feel?

however you don’t sound too enthusiastic about it. Maybe meet up with him and see how you feel?

I am wary. I remember how much it hurt when he broke up with me. And to be honest I would rather be single forever more than go through that again. So trust is an issue for me.

But OTOH I would give my right arm to feel as happy and secure as I did when all was well with us.

I guess we do need to have a cards on the table session.

But OTOH I would give my right arm to feel as happy and secure as I did when all was well with us.

That can't happen as there isn't an "undo" button on life. He still did what he did and you were still heartbroken by that.

Did he think the grass was greener? Did he leave for someone else? It feels like part of the story is being left unsaid - perhaps to avoid the conversation being diverted into "Cheater! LTB!". Which, sadly, would be good advice.

Ultimately, if you've done work on yourself and are healthier and he hasn't and is that same old man, you will now be dating beneath you.

Find another healthy person to spend your energy on. Someone who can reciprocate theirs.

That can't happen as there isn't an "undo" button on life. He still did what he did and you were still heartbroken by that.
Very astute comment, thank you. I can't rewind the clock. Good to be reminded of that.

Did he think the grass was greener? Did he leave for someone else?
I think he thought he would be happier without me and the unhappy behaviour I was spiralling into, but there was definitely no-one else/no cheating.

Ultimately, if you've done work on yourself and are healthier and he hasn't and is that same old man, you will now be dating beneath you.
I imagine he has. Because I think he has realised the grass never was greener and he's had to come to terms with that.

I mean, I don't even know if he wants to restart, so I am jumping the gun a bit here.

I would be wary, especially if you don’t want to get hurt again. Sometimes seeking comfort with those who are familiar is easier than starting from scratch with someone new. Some men like the thrill of the chase too.

How would you feel if you got back together and then within a couple of months he decided it wasn’t for him again?

If this would hurt again then I would say don’t do it.

Find another healthy person to spend your energy on. Someone who can reciprocate theirs.

Sorry, forgot this bit.
TBH, until ex popped up again, I was pretty convinced that I was done with love. The idea of the dating scene is enough in itself, but the added risk of it all going tits up again... nah, I'd rather just crack on by myself.

Which is why I am questioning myself as well. It's not only his choice, is it. I have to be sure it's right for me as well.

I would be wary, especially if you don’t want to get hurt again. Sometimes seeking comfort with those who are familiar is easier than starting from scratch with someone new. Some men like the thrill of the chase too.

He's not a "thrill of the chase" type. He's actually quite similar to me in so many ways which is why we hit it off so strongly. And yes, it would be the easiest thing for both of us.

How would you feel if you got back together and then within a couple of months he decided it wasn’t for him again? If this would hurt again then I would say don’t do it.

That is my overriding worry. But then again am a real catastrophiser so everything is viewed through the "what if it goes wrong" lens (another trait I am very aware of and actively working on).

Who knows? It all depends on why you broke up in the first place.

Meet with him and have an honest heart to heart. If you know you behaved badly, then ask yourself why... were you angry at him? Did he do things to hurt you - intentionally or not...? Without knowing more, it is hard to say. He needs to be totally honest about why it didn't work.... even if that means hurting your feelings again.

For it to work again, you both need to be honest with each other about the ways in which it broke down and why. That requires a level of intimacy that a lot of people can't handle... or offer. Me personally, I would at least meet and talk to him about it. If he wants to press reset with no discussion, that would not work... and vice versa for you to him.

You both need to look in the mirror and at each other. If both of you still feel love, then why not. Love is not all that is needed of course, but if it really is there and is genuine, and so is the readiness to work through the issues that caused the breakup, then why not try.

Who knows? It all depends on why you broke up in the first place.
The crux of it is that he hid his unhappiness until it was too late. Some of the ways I was acting really affected him but he didn't ever once say anything, and I just spiralled worse and worse, like a toddler pushing boundaries.

Meet with him and have an honest heart to heart. If you know you behaved badly, then ask yourself why... were you angry at him?
No, myself! Mostly the way I deal with conflict and imperfect situations by turning on myself and being unable to let it go. We both suffered. He does of course have some things that were unacceptable to me then, and still are now. Has he changed as well - I might have been bad but he wasn't without sin.

Did he do things to hurt you - intentionally or not...?
No, not really. Apart from not saying anything when it was salvageable. Which he regrets too.

Me personally, I would at least meet and talk to him about it. If he wants to press reset with no discussion, that would not work... and vice versa for you to him.
Yes I think I agree with that too, thank you.

Obviously all relationships are different so I can only give you my experience. I was with my boyfriend for 3 years before he broke up with me, he said he cared about me a lot but didn't love me. It was a long time coming, we were having relationship issues for a while.

I got my own place and moved on but then he started contacting me again about 6 months later. Neither of us had another partner. We gave it another go and we've now been back together for 7 years and are married.

The relationship is better than ever now, it's like a completely different relationship to those first 3 years and I'm so happy we gave it a second chance.

It may or may not work out for you but you don't know until you try. Maybe meet for a drink and a chat and see how it goes?

Yes OH and I did it and were out with friends at the weekend who did too

It can work. DH and I were together for 18 months at university, split up painfully after a period of tension and arguments, then got back together a few years after graduation. We've now been married for 13 years.

It isn't the same the second time round though. It's a different relationship from what we had as teenagers because we are different people now.

Only you can know if you are looking to the future or dwelling on the past.

It can work but it will be a completely different relationship to the one you remember. Things have happened in both of your lives in the time you were separated and you will both have inevitably grown and changed slightly. You may find you don’t even get along much anymore.

I wouldn’t return to an ex personally but that’s just me, I’d rather move forwards in life.

Like PP said, it will be a different relationship, especially after a few years apart.
Just be wary of his intentions for now.

I did.. it wasn’t easy but didn’t end well.
Together 8 years (school crushes) 2 dc’s. Hostile breakup, EA, and family court. You name it, we went through it.
Both had ALOT of therapy, separately. 2 years later we started communicating in a much healthier way, after a year a spark began developing. Long and hard and much conversation we decided to try again.
A year in was great, then it went back to old habits, old communication, respect had withered and we repressed a lot of hate for each other during our split that I honestly think we never got over.

We had a good run, but he was also my first love. It was easier for me to try and make things work second time round due to our DC and that he was so familiar. However, with that came the lack of effort to really try and once his feet were under the table again he went back to everything I hated.
Off he went. We keep it amicable this time round as we’ve learnt from previous.

I think a lot depends on WHY you split, how much TIME has passed and can you really FORGIVE & FORGET?
Trust in my opinion can never be rebuilt, if it is it’s never the same x

I think if you've both changed and you start the relationship as a clean sheet, letting go of the past, then it can work.

I split with DP for a couple of months, we ended up meeting up to give back some belongings and I realised I'd made a terrible mistake and wanted to try again. We'd both missed each other terribly and realised we would be happier together than apart.

We both laid our cards on the table, talked about how things would need to change etc, it was very emotional, as we'd both made moves to get to know other people while we'd been apart so we had to accept that too.

But its been over a year now and things are better than ever, so I'd say it can definitely work, but only if you both understand where things went wrong, and agree about how you approach the past as well as the future.

Well, in my opinion it usually doesn't.

We were 14/16 when we first started to go out. Broke up 6 months later and had some rounds of fwb (but without some actual sex act).

We got together as young adults and I was more in. There were a lot of problems, we basically lived seperate lives and he cheated on me. We broke up but remained living together and eventually were a cople again.

It's been 5 years now since the last break up and I know for the last 4 that I should of kicked him out and moved on. It's a classic case of sunken cost fallacy. Don't get me wrong I love him dearly but not as a man. I think it's the same for him. We're now in our early 30s, not married, no children. I've bought a home on my name only and I'm not financially dependent (and neither is he) but we can't seem to let it go. Looking back we kind of have always had the same problems, doesn't matter if we were really young, in our 20s or 30s.

So only you know how it is with you two. Do you think you'll be facing the same problems that broke you up on the first place? If you think it's a no, are you willing to find out? And if it doesn't work, do you think you can handle the heartache once again?

I've just been a bridesmaid at the wedding of two friends who broke up and got back together after about 10 years apart. They are a wonderful couple.

It doesn't always work out - I've gone back to a relationship after a long period and soon remembered all the reasons why it ended. But if you can frame for yourself it in a way like this is just you both giving it that final try, and could cope with the concept that it might not work out again, then yes, why not? Better to know for sure IMO.

I was in your situation.

He left me, explaining that he didn’t love me; couldn’t see himself marrying me, or ever having children with me.

Two and a half years later, he asked me out again. We had started to develop a decent friendship at this point, and he just seemed, well, different to how he had been when we were together.

Anyway, I agreed to take him back. This was 13 years ago and we are still together (incidentally, he did marry me, and we had a baby...).

So it certainly can work; the chances will depend on your shared history, your present personalities, and your future aspirations and expectations.

Another example of it working second time round. DH (plot spoiler!) and I went out from ages 24-28. He dumped me (not ready to commit) and broke my heart. We met up (intentionally) 3 years later, hadn't seen each other in the meantime, and we have been together ever since. Married 10 years now and 2 DC. Very happy.

I think the key for us is that neither of us did anything unforgivable and neither of us are game players. Sounds a little like you two. Good luck!

Thanks everyone, there is a lot of wisdom and food for thought in these posts. It's very early days and of course he may not even be looking to get back together!

I have to go away for work for a while next month so that will give me some time outside the familiar.

But rest assured I will make any decisions with my eyes wide open and with all honesty and open discussions. And with several comments from this thread in mind.