Am I asexual??

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Is there anyone on here who classes themselves as asexual?? I am having problems being intimate with my husband at the moment. I have always hated sex and I hate being touched or stroked or even held. I was 30 when i lost my virginity to my DH I hated the first time but knew I had to conform so I have just done it over the years but he seems to be getting more needy in the sexual department and I just don't need it. I had had 4 very short lived relationships before I got with my husband but all broke down when the intimacy or sharing the bed was mentioned. I love the company of people men and women but not the touching or the bodily contact. When I was 16 I had several crushes on women I found women attractive and wanted to spend every waking moment with them however there was never any idea or thought of sex with them. I therefore in my 20's thought I was probably gay and went to a few gay clubs and was physically attracted to several women but hated the touching kissing and intimacy that went with it so then decided I wasn't gay!!! I had always wanted children so I made it my mission to find a boyfriend and several men later I found my DH and I was attracted to him because we chatted for hours and generally had lots in common - he was the only man that hadn't tried to sleep with me quickly into the relationship. As I got to know him he obviously wanted the next step of sex and intimacy so I lost my virginity to him. We are married now and have 2 children. I dread going to bed at night as I know he will touch or stroke me. Sex to me is a total and complete waste of time I get absolutely nothing from it and feel claustrophobic. It isn't my husband that I don't want to be intimate with it is anyone. I have a vibrator and enjoy making myself come with this but have never come through sex with my husband. I am thinking I am probably asexual??

Yeah sounds like it.

Have you had this discussion with your H? He deserves the truth so he can decide to stay or go.

Not yet but now actually having read up about it and thinking I am not just cold and uneedy I am thinking I will need to bring it up as it isn't fair on him. I know this is really weird but I wonder if my parents are asexual because they once said to me when I was in my 20's and several of their counterparts were going through divorces that sex isn't the be all and end all of relationships and that there relationship was strong because sex wasn't a major factor for either of them. They are now in their 70's and have separate rooms but as a couple they seem so in love.

Not an expert but I thought if you were asexual it meant you had no desire in that department at all ie you wouldn't self pleasure either?

Asexuality means person doesn’t feel sexual attraction towards anyone.
It has nothing to with libido.

Op, have you ever been sexually attracted to anyone?

I think I am borderline this too, in both my marriages I lose interest to be honest after the first 2 years (this marriage have been married over 20) and I don’t like the stroking stuff either, when I wake up and someone’s stroking your leg or bum etc I just find it really annoying. Like the OP I love male company, just don’t much like any aspect of sex that much , and in my late 50s I was hoping it would be less relevant but H seems to be more that way than ever and I’m simply not

This site should have all the answers you need

asexuality.org

OP - before you talk to your H - you need to decide what it is you actually want.
You can’t just tell him you are asexual and expect he accepts it and gives up sex.
Are you telling him that you understand he may want to divorce based on this new information?
Are you hoping to find some other way of intimacy that doesn’t make you uncomfortable - but meets some of his needs? Can he - maybe use your toy with you - instead of PIV sex, thus maintaining a connection?
Or - would you be offering to him to open up your relationship so that he can find sex somewhere else?

Definitely sounds like it. My sister is A sexual and hates the thought of any form of physical contact. She's mid thirties and has never even held hands with anyone. She's attracted to women but would like a sexless female companion rather than an intimate relationship.

Maybe that would suit you as well?

Hope you have found the looking for OP. I know how confusing and difficult it can be to understand what is happening at the moment.

I have asexual friends. It's not a lack of sexual desire, it's a lack of desire to have sex or intimacy with anyone outside of yourself. Some asexual people do engage in sex occasionally but on the whole it's only undertaken for the person they've ended up in a relationship with. My best friend will happily go down on a person but isn't interested in their own sexual pleasure at all, and wants to meet someone who matches their own feelings. Which is yet to happen. My partner thinks he's somewhere on the asexual spectrum. We definitely rarely have any kind of sexual interaction but we both love each other very much. This will be a difficult one because once your husband knows, he will also know you only have sex with him out of duty which if he's a decent person will mean he stops asking for it. Which will most likely destroy your marriage. But it's also not fair to string him along.

yeah thats pretty much what asexual is, so id say you are clearly asexual, but maybe homo-romantic

I've been asexual all my life through two marriages and one child. It does sound as if you are.

I love the company of other people but quite honestly I'd sooner scrub floors than have sex, I have absolutely no need for it at all.
I'm on the high end of the scale aromantic as well so have no desire for romance or relationships either.

I'm nearly 60 now and had I had any idea what I was in my 20's would have not bothered with marriages, just had my son on my own. But this didn't even have a name in the 1980's.
As noego says try the link:

asexuality.org/

You will probably recognise where on the spectrum you are. Even now it causes a problem, I like the company of men and women and the men always get the hump when you tell them you are asexual, they think it's an excuse. I like to tell them early before they start asking me out.

I think you need to have an honest discussion with your husband and decide where you want to go from here, whether open marriage or living apart, whatever you decide is best for you and your children.

My ex decided to be insulted by the whole thing and left. TBH it's a relief, I love my single life and would never go back to having a relationship.

Sexuality is complex. It’s even possible you’re gay and if you were with a woman you might enjoy sex. Suggest you speak to a sex therapist

TBH I find the labelling and spectrum thing more confusing. You are as you are. I am as I am. It takes time to understand. Openness with partners is crucial. It is in essence relationship anarchy. I.e. different to what society expects.