So I am a 24 year old student nurse, coming to the end of my degree. The past 3 years have been crazy with what I have gone through, from an abusive relationship to dealing with personal insecurities and I feel as though at this point I have come to my breaking point. I think I am depressed as all I want to do is sleep and don't even do the things I enjoy anymore and have quite frankly lost interest in everything.
The thing that I think is bothering me the most is my weight. For as long as I can remember I have been fat/overweight. The thing that is most distinctive about my childhood is how my parents would scrutinise me for my weight. I rememebr my mum hitting me and screaming at me when I wouldn't fit into clothes, everything that would go wrong in my life would be blamed on me for "eating too much and not being thin" and everything always coming down to me being fat. I rememebr my dad slapping me whilst I had food in my hand and embarrassing me in front of people about my eating habits. Because of this I remember growing up blaming my weight for everything that went wrong which led to me comfort eating and carrying it through my teen years and adulthood. I remember two years before getting into a relationship my mother telling me that no one will want to ever marry me because I'm so fat. That absolutely broke my heart. I remember crying for 3 days straight . And when I confronted my mum she said its tough and the world is going to be harsher. This I would come to learn is true 2 years later when I found myself in an abusive relationship. I forgive my parents, don't get me wrong that wasn't the best way to talk to me or make me feel but they have done alot for me and no one is perfect.
However, after finding myself in an abusive relationship, he would often say the things that I never dreamed someone who would love me would say.ive heard everything from fat whore to unattractive bitch. And I just thought that's normal you know? Because of what I've been told whilst growing up. My mother would tell me I'm beautiful whilst also putting me down for my weight, the same way my boyfriend would call me beautiful and put me down. He cheated, I blamed being fat, he hit me, I blamed my weight. After my mum telling me I wouldn't ever find someone to love me, I started to lose weight and looked really good. Alot of it was motivated by wanting to look good for my boyfriend but then started gaining it all back after the abuse and have gradually gained more back since then.
And now I am at the point where it's all I think about, I feel so uncomfortable in myself and do not want to do anything besides going to work and university. I feel like I'm losing myself and have lost all motivation for life. I may eat healthy during the day but then start to comfort eat during the night for some reason. I have lost all confidence to go to the gym and don't know what to do anymore. Honestly I'm so lost all I want to do is sleep and forget everything. Is there anyone out there who is/also struggling with their weight that has any tips to get out of this rut? I would really appreciate the advice, thank you.