Why are you LC rather than NC?

[AshGirl]

My DBro and I are both LC with our parents. My DH and his siblings are NC with their mum.

DBro and I have never explained to our parents why the relationship has got so bad. There are many cumulative reasons than one big issue, but we have both taken a very big step back for our own sanity. In reality this means that we are both barely civil to them, as we both find it so hard to act 'normal' around them.

I think we all pretend that things are fine (this is probably the point of LC) but it must be very confusing and upsetting. I don't expect that our parents have enough empathy or insight to consider that their actions are the cause of the rift. They probably blame DSIL, who is actually absolutely amazing

I do sometimes wonder if it is more cruel to be LC than to make a clean break and be NC. Our parents do see mine and DBro's children, but not as much as they would like and never to look after them.

So I suppose I am asking why you chose to be LC rather than NC. Or, if someone is LC/NC with you then what is it like? Do you know why it happened?

TIA

My aunts were NC with my grandfather and were really negatively impacted by his death, leaving as it did all sorts of unresolved issues. My mother saw him about once a month (low contact for her) and dealt much better with his passing because she felt closure.

I am low contact with my parents, see them no more than once a year and have gone far longer between visits. My sister has no contact with them, I strongly suspect my mother is a narcissist, I think I still see them as I feel sorry for my father, although he did enable the emotional abuse we received from her as children.
My teen daughter doesn’t understand why I have contact with them, particularly my mother.

I have just decided to go NC with my mother. It's unfortunate timing, as I am in the middle of sorting out her finances etc.

We've never had a good relationship, but she said some things in the past few days that just show me nothing will ever change and I'll always be the black sheep.
She is possibly in the early stages of dementia but I cannot cope with her anymore, she just upsets me so much. Everything is always about her, my sister is the Golden Child and can do no wrong.
i am feeling distraught but also relieved. I do worry about what will have to her now though. There is really no one to help her as my siblings are only interested in themselves.

I don't know if it qualifies as LC but I speak to my mother once a week, see her once a year. Our relationship is very civil and polite and if asked I suspect she would say it's a good relationship. However I am carrying a lot of damage from childhood which she simply refuses to acknowledge - she does the mental version of putting her fingers in her ears and going 'lalala I can't hear you'. As you say OP I think she lacks the empathy and insight to work out why I prefer to keep her at arms length, or perhaps she does know but is afraid to face it as that would mean acknowledging some very unpleasant things about herself. I suspect she sees herself as a good, generous loving mother (and tbf she is now) who is hard done by when it comes to her hardhearted stony faced daughter. Her friends are all invited to stay with their adult children for weeks at a time and go on holiday together and I know it upsets her she doesn't get that from me.

It was the annual visit recently and I worked myself up into a right state about it as seeing her brings up all sorts of conflicting emotions; DH asked me why I don't go NC with her if it makes me feel like this and my answer was that I'd feel terrible to do that, that she hadn't really done anything bad enough and it would hurt her immeasurably. He pointed out that the very fact it makes me feel this way is enough of a reason. I still don't think I could though, LC just seems easier and less hurtful all round. I'm starting to think I need counselling but tbh I don't want to fix anything, I'm happy how things are so I'm not sure what the point would be.

I don't want to fix anything, I'm happy how things are so I'm not sure what the point would be

If seeing her works you up into 'a right state' maybe counselling could help you address those feelings?

For my children. She treats them really badly compared to her other grandchildren. But we are better than that. (I say to myself through gritted teeth) They are grown now and have noticed and they vote with their feet. So my contact is ever diminishing. She could not care less. I tried though.

Although I am absolutely staggered she would do that to my kids, whatever our relationship. It is heartbreaking. How do I deal with her calls? She could not call my son on his birthday, but could call a few weeks later to tell me about her preferred grandchild. I just ignore them currently, but it feels so wrong. Sorry, not my thread. Sorry OP.

aloadoftwaddle I guess so, but my current strategy of fairly LC works for me and is far less expensive! 99% of the time I'm absolutely fine it's just the once a year visits I find difficult.

I think NC can work if you have worked through ALL the issues that led to it, have no hope of improvement and are resigned to the fact you may not see them prior to death (in the case of parents).
I see my Mother annually but have had gaps of 5+ years.
Last visit, with the children in tow, she chose to spend less than 90mins with us. I'll probably not bother again (I tried!) and i have no hope of any real communication prior to her passing so its 'okay'.

LC can work if you dont want the finality / awkwardness of NC.

I think its about what is most realistic and 'works' for you?

I think LC for a period following something really really hurtful that my mum chose to do (publically) worked better for me because she had nothing concrete to tell others about. I had withdrawn once before and my Dad rang me to reprimand me. I have challenged her numerous times and it just escalates with her getting more martyred and me feeling more and more angry for not being heard in the first place. And angry that this drama has been spun out of me being ignored/disregarded.

When I deliberately went LC about 2 years ago, I was still responding to her texts but less, and not engaging. I still went over with the kids, sometimes, but stayed less time and talked about clothes and the weather. It definitely gave her less to get up on the cross about. Her particular 'Ace' is that she is a martyr beast. She has said and done hurtful things and when I say I'm hurt, I'm cruel for pointing that out.

So in the end I think I just showed her in the least dramatic way possible that I could evaluate how I spent my time and who I spent it with. Basically she saw the repercussion for doing the exact opposite of what I had had asked her not to do and pubicly was not something I could be gaslit in to thinking was ''no big deal'' and me being sensitive. She couldn't have told relatives ''oh rue is so sensitive!!''

MIL is unbearable and has been really nasty to me, ruined my wedding etc. But DH would never accept going NC with her. So I try to be as LC as possible. DH sees her every week but DC and I only see her once every few months. I’m civil and she mostly ignores DC anyway.

I'm LC in that i don't invite her into my inner life- it's a very superficial relationship where I help her and manage things for her, but don't really care or get anything (support?) in return.
By supporting her as I do, I don't have to feel guilty. I know she is more or less ok. She feels she has a good relationship with me, but she has insufficient insight to understand how superficial it is.
She complains a lot about how other people don't have time for her, how she feels she's a burden, that she wants people to enjoy her company not to see her out of pity. Truth is, she is a burden. She's a very difficult person to be around, as her few friends are finding.

At the end of the day, she's a frail old lady.

DH is LC with his parents (he sees them when he 'has to' for about 45 mins every 2 months on average and then replies to the odd email, very briefly). They affect him really negatively and I think NC would be the ideal but they live locally (and therefore about 50% of the contact is through bumping into them). It is a thousand cuts making a deep wound situation rather than a few dramatic events. DH would like to go NC but he can't face the drama it would cause. Boundaries are high now, a lot of the FOG has gone (but still some remains) - this amount of contact should be ok but it's not. It feels like a grey cloud that is constantly with us, darkening as soon as contact is on the horizon and for days afterwards. My parents are both dead, and died before DC came along, so I think it has affected us as a family more.

I would keep ignoring them Lorelei

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My in-laws seem pretty indifferent to my husband, so we have little to do with them. Birthdays and Christmas only. They only live 1.5 miles away. This seems to suit husband.

I talk to my mum and sister in a group chat on messenger once a week and see them about the same amount as my in-laws. Mum and dad live 15 miles away and sister a 3 hour drive. They are more interested in our lives but if I don’t initiate contact I don’t hear from them. If you asked them they would say we are a close family but we aren’t. Mum is close to my sister and I’m an afterthought. I feel sad about this but you cannot force people to care.

Thanks so much for your comments everyone and for those struggling.

I will review and come back properly later. My parents do live locally so there is the 'bumping into them' factor which I can't ignore. Sometimes LC feels very cruel but my DBro and I have to protect ourselves as best we can

I tried all sorts of LC over the years, but the real difference came when I went NC. Much better quality of life, no drama and a big message sent.