Give me some perspective

[purplestarz]

This is a long one, I'm so confused I just need to let it out..

I've been with my husband 7 years, married 3. He has 2 kids and we have one together.

When I met him he had nothing, he was sleeping on someone's sofa and didn't even have a bank account (relevant to the story, not me bragging).

Over the years we have purchased and done up several houses and are now settled in a nice 4 bed detached house. From the outside my life is absolutely perfect, big house, nice car, healthy children, lots of holidays, but I'm miserable!

I feel so overwhelmingly suffocated by my husband.. he isn't horrible, abusive, nasty or anything.. but he is so needy that I often feel like I just have a house full of children. He cannot make decisions, he cannot be proactive in helping.. if I ask him to do something he will do it without question but never off his own back.

I am so sick and tired of having to think all the time, I'd just love to get home one day and find that dinner has been cooked or the house has been cleaned, or he says let's go to the pub for dinner... just for him to make a decision instead of looking at me to tell him what to do next.

A few years ago I tried to leave.. I was so fed up.. but it hit him hard, he fell apart and he got my whole family involved and in the end I stayed.

I know this may sound ridiculous.. but it's like he loves me too much.. he constantly says I changed his life and he could never have what he has without me and that without me he honestly thinks he'd be dead by now.. the fact I met him when he had nothing he feels like I saved him. I didn't give him anything.. I had a house when I met him, but we done it up and sold it and made money to get a bigger one next time.. I'd never of done that myself. We built this life together not me rescuing him, i say this so often but it doesn't sink in.

He has his own business and he works so hard, I do his admin and accounts etc, as well as working full time myself and studying a masters.. he says without me his business would fail and he'd have nothing.

He worships me, if I even mention there's something I want it arrives with the postman the next day; no matter what it is.. he'll buy it, I think this is how he shows his appreciation.. but I don't want stuff, I have my own money I can buy my own stuff.. what I really want is him to take some control of his own life and finances. When he gets paid he gives me most his money, keeping enough for himself to buy fuel and gifts for me/kids.. I sort all finances.

I'm literally exhausted.. I'm on the go from 6am to 10-11pm every single day.. even when I'm trying to do uni work he'll come in and ask if he should put the kids to bed.. like it's their bedtime.. he knows this, he knows the routine just do it.

Is there a while perspective to this I'm missing?? I find myself back to desperately wanting to leave.

Yes, I know where you're coming from here. To be honest though, you do sound pretty amazing...how do you do all that, do you sleep?

Do you love him? Has your relationship become adult - child rather than adult - adult? That's draining and frustrating.

When you've talked to him about the fact that you need him to be more proactive and assertive, does he understand what you actually mean and acknowledge that this is really annoying for you? If he does, I think I would try couple counselling (if you love him enough to try this). Also, could he not now employ someone to do his accounts and admin? If you want this to work, I think you're going to have to pull back. I'm not suggesting this is your fault, he's put you in the role of his saviour and you just want to be equals. Could you agree on a rota whereby you split the housework? Again, I know your frustration is that he's not thinking for himself and notice ng what needs doing. This might give him a kick start though?

I don't sleep much.. by the time I get to bed at 11 at the earliest my head is still spinning with everything I have to juggle, I spend a good few hours trying to shut off before I can finally sleep, then I'm up at 6!
We've done it all before, counselling, talking, trying to tell him what needs to happen he just can't seem to physically do it.. he isn't lazy, it's not that he doesn't care.. he just has to be told what to do. His job is very much like that.. he doesn't think, he works from plans so he just does what the plans tell him too.. I don't think there is anything he ever thinks or decides by himself.
I think I'm at the point where I was when I decided to leave before.. but I know the whole thing will involved my whole family again.

When we had counselling he seemed to be able to verbalise what he needs to do, he said all the right things.. he just doesn't do it, I don't think he can.

Well he sounds like a total tosser.

Just because you don't think he's capable of adulting, doesn't mean you need to stick with him. He can either learn to adult or be single for the rest of his days.

I don’t blame you in the least, OP. Being the only adult in your marriage is exhausting and depressing. I have a very dear male friend who is like your husband. His wife coped for twenty three years by doing all the adulting, but now she’s divorcing him. I love him, but I entirely see why she can’t cope with wrangling three kids, one of whom is in his 50s.

But I have to say I’m not entirely buying the ‘sweet and innocent and loves me too much’ thing — enlisting your entire family to stop you ending your marriage is a profoundly manipulative thing to do. That’s the ‘You all think I’m a nice guy and nice guys can’t be left’.

@Frangible
I totally agree getting my family involved was manipulative.. it's the only time he's behaved that way but I know he'll do it again. X