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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think my relationship is over

21 replies

butterandbread · 15/09/2019 12:58

I don’t know how much sense this is going to make, it’s all pretty raw still, but I’ll try and be brief!

Myself and my partner have an 8mo and a few weeks ago he left our home to stay with family after a an up and down year (had depo injection after birth, was a very tough few months on that as it really affected me, our communication suffered, etc. He’s suspected I have PND since then and has found it difficult to know how to help me take care of myself. Amongst a few other things but nothing disastrous to my mind) as according to him he needed to sort his head out and it was a constant weight on his shoulders feeling like he can’t be open with me after an argument we had several months ago (he thought I had made a comment about restricting contact with our baby should we split, but had in fact misunderstood what I’d said which was more around frequency of overnights).

He said as he was leaving that he may just need time and although he’s sure he doesn’t want to come back to this house (undesirable area and not much space, and we’d been considering moving anyway) we may look at moving into another property in a few months time.

Since then he’s said he isn’t sure he’s as ‘in’ the relationship as he was before but he knows he had things to work through and think about, and we’ll ‘see how it goes’ as he does still love me, etc.

For context, he has form for completely shutting down when hurt in previous relationships and is very good at trying to shut off his emotions.

We have been in regularly contact throughout each day (he calls, texts, FaceTimes baby), and he has stayed with me and the baby multiple times since leaving, but as of today during a heated discussion he’s told me that he considers we’re not together anymore, he doesn’t want to be with me, and he thinks he is ‘emotionally done’

I know I should probably just take that as fact, but only last night (he came to stay) he was saying that he considers us both single not because he doesn’t want to be with me or doesn’t love me, but because he doesn’t know where his head is at and he feels it’s unfair to keep me hanging on, but he will communicate with me if he feels his heart is still truly hers. When I raised that today he said he was sure he wouldn’t be coming back to us, but he’s very good at saying things he doesn’t mean when mad, he completely loses any sensible filter.

I suppose the uncertainty should be enough for me to want to end it myself, but I just feel that or relationship is worth more than this. Surely we can work together on him opening back up, is that really something to throw or family away over? We ordinarily have an incredibly happy relationship and only a month or so ago we were discussing when we’d like to start trying for our second baby, so I just can’t see from his recent behaviour (both before and after he left our home) how he’s cut himself off in the way he thinks he has.

I’m heartbroken and just don’t know how to handle this going forwards. I can’t bear the thought of us not being together and being single parents.

OP posts:

Original poster

butterandbread · 15/09/2019 13:00

Sorry, typos galore

OP posts:

Original poster

butterandbread · 15/09/2019 13:02

Yikes, even reading that back I can see how pathetic I sound!

I’m sure everyone in similar situations says they truly know their partner and the way they feel, but I feel in this case I do. I know him deeply (for many years before we became a couple) and I just won’t believe that he truly doesn’t feel the same for our relationship anymore, though it does feel like he’s trying to make that the truth in shutting himself away now.

OP posts:

Original poster

butterandbread · 15/09/2019 13:05

Also just to add, it’s breaking his heart being away from our DC, so I’m very confused as to how he can be seriously considering becoming a part time dad, seemingly so easily.

OP posts:

Savingforarainyday · 15/09/2019 13:07

Sounds like you have two kids....

Wonderland18 · 15/09/2019 13:11

It doesn’t sound easy for him at all, sounds like he’s put a lot of thought into it but isn’t happy being together anymore. He’s being gentle with it as he fears you have PND but for the most part he just sounds like he’s at the end now. I’d let him go and work out good arrangements regarding your DC

TwentyEight12 · 15/09/2019 13:15

Oh goodness...

Being in any limbo situation is daunting because you don’t have any security of things being one way or another and this in itself will make a person very anxious.

So the way out of this is for you to make the decision. You cannot keep hanging on in hope. He either makes the decision to come back and work on the relationship or you make the decision that you cannot continue to be in limbo and that you need to move forward on your own.

I’m so sorry OP. But do remember that you are not a card that he can pull out of his back pocket on a rainy day if and when it suits.

You deserve better.

DBML · 15/09/2019 13:26

It sound as though he has quite clearly told you that it’s over. You clearly don’t want it to be. I’m so sorry, I really am, but for your own sake you need to accept what he has said and move on. If he did change his mind in future, you can make that decision, but for now you need to work out proper arrangements; seek support; see your gp if you need to and surround yourself with friends and family who can help you.

Original poster

butterandbread · 15/09/2019 16:34

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

I totally get how it sounds and that I must seem completely deluded, I just wish I was able to get across the real nuance of his behaviour that’s making me feel so confused. Or should I really just be letting his words speak and not his actions? That’s what I’m struggling with.

As an example, he was on a work day out recently and had mentioned a couple of days before it that he may come and stay at home afterwards and spend the next day with us if that was okay with me. I had no plans on that date so said he could just let me know. He called that evening (after baby’s bedtime, so she wasn’t a motivating factor) to say that everyone was carrying on the night but he could be to me soon and we could order takeaway if I liked, and he’d then spend the night and next day with us as planned.

Why on earth would he be doing that if he had disconnected emotionally and was only interested in co-parenting? For reasons I won’t go into, the possibility of sex wouldn’t have been a factor.

Are those mixed signals and he’s just being an asshole? Am I reading too much into it? Because along with many other aspects of his behaviour and things he’s said, I can’t help but see that as him really not having decided.

I totally appreciate the point about making the decision for him, that’s absolutely what I’d be saying as well, but unfortunately it’s just not that easy when everything feels so confused and I know we love each other.

OP posts:

lifegoes · 15/09/2019 18:08

This is over for him, I'm sorry it is. But it's always hard to walk away when there's no big argument. It's hard to break a routine kinda thing. You are the mother of his child and he probably does care for you.

But sexual or emotional connection for anything else is gone.

CrystalShark · 15/09/2019 18:26

he was saying that he considers us both single not because he doesn’t want to be with me or doesn’t love me, but because he doesn’t know where his head is at and he feels it’s unfair to keep me hanging on, but he will communicate with me if he feels his heart is still truly hers.

Who’s ‘her’?

Either way, he’s clearly either confused or stringing you along, but if he doesn’t know he wants to be with you than he doesn’t want to be with you. If he did wanna be with you he certainly wouldn’t be risking losing you for good by making sure you realise you’re both single, wouldn’t risk you meeting someone else. He has plenty of options if he’s unhappy but wants to be with you such as:

Individual therapy
Couples counselling
Working on himself to understand his part in the relationship issues
Proposing solutions that he thinks would make you both happier together
Remaining in the family home
Leaving for a weekend and being clear about when he’ll be back and that you’re still together

And so forth, and he’s chosen none of those. He’s just left and let you know he’s single now and so are you.

For the love of god hear what he’s saying loud and clear and understand it’s over and start acting accordingly. Ironically pretty much the only thing at this stage that might cause him to realise he doesn’t want to lose you is doing so. Seeing that you’re moving on and happy without him and don’t need him. As it stands you’re allowing him to treat you like a doormat.

Original poster

butterandbread · 15/09/2019 18:27

Thank you for the perspective, life. Can I ask, if it reads that way, in your opinion why would he be doing the above? Coming to spend time with just me? I know for certain it was with no expectation of sex, but we also have had sex since he’s been gone, so it’s not that he’s unable to connect on an emotional level in that way.

OP posts:

Wonderland18 · 15/09/2019 18:32

I’d say sex to a guy is just that, sex, so you could be reading into that. He does want to lose all home comforts like a night with takeaways and cuddles all at once so he’s still coming back for that.

It’s not showing he’s still emotionally connected it’s showing that he can have his cake and eat it too.

Wonderland18 · 15/09/2019 18:32

He doesn’t want to *

lifegoes · 15/09/2019 18:34

@butterandbread because he can come back when he wants. Because you allow it.

He's told you, for him you are both single. It's over for him. He's made that clear. I think you are clinging to something that's not there.

Which tbf he's caused that confusion. You need to take control and tell him. If he sees you both as single then he needs to let you fully go. He only comes to see your DC. He arranges the time he wants to take your DC. And that's it.

CrystalShark · 15/09/2019 18:41

Enjoying a cosy night in with a takeaway, cuddles, and sleeping next to someone in a familiar environment isn’t the same thing as wanting to be in a committed relationship with you, OP. Sorry but it just isn’t.

Have you never had a FWB or something similar, a new date, where it’s been enjoyable to do those things but doesn’t indicate you see them as the love of your life?

You’re both single so any cosy sleepovers are just that. On one hand I think he’s being a bit unfair sending mixed signals, but on the other hand at least he’s had the decency to let you know it’s definitely over and he considers himself single so if you choose to allow these interactions that’s down to you but at least you’re not under any illusion you’re doing them with a boyfriend.

Btw if he’s single he’s almost certainly now either dating others or open to it. Nothing stopping him.

Original poster

butterandbread · 15/09/2019 18:56

Thanks everyone. I’ll digest and reply properly shortly, but just to say in my defence, he’s only said he considers us single after the last time he stayed over, so that’s not something I’ve allowed with him having said anything like that. Up until that point he’d only said we were working through everything.

OP posts:

lifegoes · 15/09/2019 18:59

but because he doesn’t know where his head is at and he feels it’s unfair to keep me hanging on, but he will communicate with me if he feels his heart is still truly hers.

I'm really confused by the last line of that OP.

If he feels his heart is still truly HERS????

Original poster

butterandbread · 15/09/2019 19:11

Yes, sorry, I didn’t realise it was riddled with typos until I’d posted!

I meant if his heart was still truly here, with me. Even though he’s constantly saying of course he still loves me, he just has things he needs to work through.

OP posts:

CrystalShark · 15/09/2019 19:18

Well that says it all, that he had a night in with you acting like you were together and happy and it sparked him telling you shortly afterwards he’s actually now single.

So sorry OP.

Elieza · 15/09/2019 19:34

In future perhaps you should be the one to take charge. He’s getting his cake and eating it. With cream and sprinkles on top.

Next time he wants to stay it’s a no.
No more sex.
No more cosy nights in
In an emergency he can sleep on the couch or spare room

And when he asks just tell him that he told you he wants to be single so so be it. He doesn’t get any of the perks of married life.

He will either fight to win you back or walk away.

Be under no illusions. This guy is out dating. He is just using you for a convenient safe space to hang out in to see his dc. You deserve better.

Lozzerbmc · 15/09/2019 21:59

Im sorry you are going through this but it sounds like it is over for him but hes feeling really bad about it. My ex did something similar left me for someone else but kept saying he would end it because he wanted to work things out with me. He didnt - it was just he felt guilty for ending the marriage so badly. Needless to say after a few months i realised he would never end it and try and make it up to me. It was the most difficult time of my life yet it was the making of me and i’m glad it happened now. Dont let him hurt you more and assuage his guilt by coming round. Keep to business - child access only. I know its tough but get lots of support from friends and family. You deserve better and so do your DCs. Tell yourself you have the strength to do this!!

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