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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Two words, why can't I say them.

19 replies

Brightfuture2019 · 14/09/2019 21:48

It's over, there you go, two simple words so why can't I say them. Because If I do then I ruin my little boys world. I will feel bad because DH literally has nowhere to go.
He is mentally abusive. He takes drugs, drinks, doesn't contribute. Speaks to me like dirt. Does absolutely nothing around the house. This sounds bad but I just want something to happen to force my hand so that I have no choice but to make him go. I have anxiety and whenever I get close to ending it takes over and I can't do it. I'm a walk over, I'm weak. I can't do this, I know I should with every fibre of my soul. I need to do something, to get strong. I hate what I've become, I want to be free.

OP posts:
Jamhandprints · 14/09/2019 21:50

Be strong.

louella999 · 14/09/2019 21:51

In relation to ruining your little boy's world.. the behaviour you have described is no good for your son. You owe it to your son to protect him from a dysfunctional household. Do you have support? Family/friends?

Isaididont · 14/09/2019 21:53

But if your DH is abusive then you’re not ruining your boys world. You’re protecting them.
Make it as easy as possible for yourself . Maybe do something like take your boy(s) to a relative or friend’s house with you for a few days. Leave behind a note saying it’s over or send a message. If you can’t bring yourself to have the conversation, do it in an easier way, through writing /messaging, not face to face.
Also maybe call women’s aid for support and advice

Wolfiefan · 14/09/2019 21:57

You can do this. Because you love your little boy more than you can put into words and you don’t want him growing up seeing you abused and learning that this is how relationships should be.
Is the property in your name?

Original poster
Brightfuture2019 · 14/09/2019 21:57

My family don't know much. They would be so upset if they knew how I was being treated. I have a couple of friends I can talk to. The thing is he makes me feel like it's me. I know deep down it's not but it's so hard. I almost did it today but the thought of what will unfold scares me to death. I just don't know how I got into this mess and I don't know how to get out. I so just want my mum and dad to save me. I'm early 40s and we've been together since I was early 20s. I'm so scared of everything. He will blame me, I don't want my son to hate me.

OP posts:
Pantsomime · 14/09/2019 21:58

Plan plan plan, then do do do one step at a time you will get there

Original poster
Brightfuture2019 · 14/09/2019 22:01

The property is in my name, it is rented. I get accused of cheating, I get accused of having Mental Health issues. Yes I have anxiety but I'm coping with it with absolutely no help from him. I'm a bad person because of this. I can't take much more. He's making me doubt myself. I love my boy with every ounce of my being.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 14/09/2019 22:01

Actually, you would be giving your sons the greatest gift going forward into their adult lives that this type of relationship is not the norm.

Speaking as a single mum who was abused by his dad, now both doing great. Son is a well adjusted adult now.

Original poster
Brightfuture2019 · 14/09/2019 22:04

How do I plan ? What do I do. I have no money. I pay all the bills on a part time basis. I need some help.

OP posts:
DM1209 · 14/09/2019 22:06

You matter

Look ahead

Role model

Value yourself

Have courage

1 life

1 death

1 legacy.

There you go OP. See when your perspective changes how powerful 2 words can be.
You're worth so much more as is your son and just think about the legacy you will be leaving for him if you don't do what is right for you, not as his Mum but simply as a human that really does matter.

Make that change.

DM1209 · 14/09/2019 22:07

You plan by reaching out. You say you have family, talk to someone you trust. Take it a step at a time.

Talk believe me, just by sharing with someone in real life who will want to offer love, care and support, you will already have won half the battle.

Iflyaway · 14/09/2019 22:09

I'm a bad person because of

Listen to yourself!!

You are NOT a so-called bad person!!

You sound like a great mum. Don't let no fuckwit undermine you!!

I reckon you could do with finding a good counsellor to help you unravel your wrong thinking and self esteem issues.

Ohyesiam · 14/09/2019 22:11

How is letting your son see you chose happiness going to ruin his world?

summer151 · 14/09/2019 22:12

Your son will be just fine as he has you. And all he needs is one stable parent who knows loves him and will protect him. His dad can still be a good dad to him regardless if ye are together or not. More times than not dads step up and actually do more and spend more quality time with their kids when parents separate. I was in your position 18 months ago and asked him to leave as there was nothing but arguments for a long time due to his behavior. It was a horrible environment for everyone. So much resentment had built up and I was so so unhappy. Now I have a lovely peaceful environment for myself and my 2 kids who are 5 and 7 and they are just fine. They are happy and healthy and I feel so content and so glad I did this. And I have hope that maybe some day I may meet someone who treats me with respect instead of feeling stuck and trapped being in a shit hopeless relationship. Good luck op. Be strong. You can do this x

summer151 · 14/09/2019 22:21

I'm not saying it isn't hard. I struggled paying mortgage and all bills by myself for months I got loans from credit union just to cover bills. And had to go from full time to part time as he won't help me out with childcare. I have taken in students also to help get more money and it's all worked out ok. Finally getting on my feet but it takes time. Please know things do get easier in time.

converseandjeans · 14/09/2019 22:34

If you're paying the the bills anyway then I can't see why you can't keep doing so?
Agree with others you would be doing your little boy a favour getting rid of him.
Stay strong and good luck Thanks

category12 · 14/09/2019 22:41

Have you posted before about this situation?

The house is in your name, you pay the bills, you look after your ds. There is nothing you need this man for. Start by telling your family and use them as motivation to keep this man out.

FlamedToACrisp · 14/09/2019 22:55

The thing is - it's over. It's already over. No matter how long you 'don't' say the words, you're only postponing the inevitable break-up. The older your son is, the harder it will be for him to come to terms with the change.

I can see that you want to be reasonable and fair to your DP, but it doesn't sound like the feeling's mutual.

Of course he doesn't have somewhere to go - he hasn't needed one up until now. But he will find somewhere. He's an adult and his future plans are not your problem. Just say calm and don't change your mind or try to suggest solutions. Wherever he chooses to go, be very clear that 'still here' is NOT one of the options.

Tell him on Monday morning, so he has all day to sort something out.

FuriousVexation · 15/09/2019 02:50

Are you married? If so then he has a legal right to stay in the property.

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