abusive marriage - therapist asked me to think kind of life I want in 2 years

[user101202]

I can't figure out. Please help.

About me - early 40s, no kids, no job at the moment. Emotionally and verbally abusive marriage almost from start. H had a narc ex. I think his lack of trust and sense of superiority has made him a very cold person. It's like he is seeing me through filter of his past.

Family lives 5000 miles away. No social ties in my native country. Not very close to family. I grew up in a very dysfunctional (where bullying was a norm) joint family.

I miss having social contact as grew with lots of people but somehow managed to not build a life for myself. I am very depressed now and barely functional. I feel very very alone and afraid of a life alone in future.

Pls help me figure out what kind of life it's possible to create for a person like me in 2 years. Thanks.

Where do you live? Do you like it? Or would you rather be in a bigger city or smaller town or village?
Do you like the idea of somewhere people all know each other? Or the anonymity of a city with coffee shops you can be invisible in?
Do you have a job? Do you like it?
Do you do anything creative? Would you like to? (In an ideal fantasy world)?
What about anything physical? Again in a fantasy world where you can do anything you want - would it be Yoga? Jogging? Country walks? Team sports? Dancing?
Do you have a pet? Have you ever wanted one?

Hi op

That's a huge question, and I can tell you are very daunted by it

So how about breaking it down, it was a question is all, it's not a command or a test there is no punishment if you don't know.

What you can learn from this is the following

You probably have never been asked your opinion on anything, because it didn't matter
Your choices were made for you
You were told what and who you were, and those were probably formed as negatives
You may have been overwhelmed by stronger personalities in the past and present, so you
Moulded yourself to their wishes and whims.

That's just a start, it sounds like a massive list to unpick, but that's a journey and not a race

So some basics

Do you like ice cream? If so what flavour or flavours
Fave flower
Season, music, colour, item of clothing
Pets? Dog or cat person
Skills? Can you drive, ride a horse, make a decent cup of tea

Tea making, milk or water first?
Scone, jame or cream first?

This might seem a bit silly, but the little things are a big start, it allows you to quietly
In your head, answer things, think about small stuff without anyone on the outside saying that's wrong.

💐

Would you like to have children? If yes, do you mind how this happens? Would you do it alone?

I'm wondering how you feel about the question? I'm picking up that it's a bit of an overwhelming question but also you're curious to imagine it? Did I get that right? You have said you've been social in the past but it's slipped away (it's very common in abuse situations for victims to become isolated), and perhaps thinking about ways to start some friend connections would be important to you? When I've worked with survivors of DV it often needs to be more about where they can see themselves next month or two, manageable steps, particularly when they're depressed like you've shared. Thank you for posting, it shows strength and your ability to build connections and friends. Happy to keep that going if you'd like to talk more x

Thanks everyone for your amazing replies x

This question is daunting because I come from a community based culture. I grew up with aunts, grandparents in the same home. Turned out my gps were affectionate but very controlling. Aunt, I grew up with, never had a relationship or got married. She worshipped her parents and did not have her own thoughts. I was also majorly influenced by them. My F turned out to be narcissist.

As I grew up, I moved out. gps died. my aunt lives a lonely life with health issues in a small town. I am NC from F for decades.

dm lives alone in another city. She has her own trauma and gets triggered easily. I left country. I lost contact with friends as lived in different places. I never had v close friends.

Also I was a people pleaser, so many of my friendships were very one sided with me being taken for granted.

I can't completely blame H for my isolation, though he has played a part.
I am definitely more happy with people than alone.

Currently I live in a very big city and would like to live in big city as there are more things to do, plus more options to build a career. I love countryside but for breaks.

I love people but irony is I take time to open up, so can't connect to people right away.

So wondering what kind of life I can build now? A career woman with some social friends and lots of hobbies. Thats all I can create now.

I wanted a family. But now I am in early 40s. Not sure it's fair on a child. and not sure about having a kid on my own.

Sorry I meant to say I grew up with people, so thinking of alone life is daunting. Though I have a very lonely marriage half the time because of long silent treatments and change of opinion about me.

I think it's ok to go back to therapist with a "fantasy" of what you would look in two years and then also a life that could be achievable in 2 years,,,

Well firstly:

Somewhere safe
Somewhere comfortable
Somewhere well connected
Somewhere central
Some clubs: reading group, art group, church, political party, drama group, volunteering
To be free - where you can eat what you like, go out and come in, feel the wind on your face, the sun pn your shoulders without fear of being questioned

whispers

Early 40s is not that old! There is still time for you to have a nice relationship.

I wonder if your therapist was trying to encourage you to imagine leaving your abusive husband? In a roundabout way, asking do you still want to be with him in 2 years or do you want to be free?

I think I have changed as a person. I used to be very trusting and I don't trust people much now. My opinion of men is extremely low.

My therapist said next session, we won't focus on H and would like to discuss what kind of life you want to have 2 years from now.

When we start the process of therapy and talking about the abuse in DV it raises so many feelings, fears and often intense, repeating anxiety. Loss of trust, as you've described, is also very common and can take a long time to rebuild. Though I can really hear how you've been through a lot of very difficult change and family history too - good and bad it seems - that adds to these feelings. Your therapist has taken a fairly directive approach and I would encourage you to think about whether you want that in your sessions or whether you would prefer to self-direct more. Do you want to think about 2 years from now or is something else more helpful? Perhaps you need for a while longer to continue to focus on your ex, or maybe not. In my work with survivors I find this process usually happens organically when they're ready. Making decisions about what you need from therapy helps to rebuild trust in yourself, and sometimes that's just as key to recovery. Equally you may find that direction from your therapist helpful and instructive - trust your instincts. There's something important about you coming here to ask how to address that 2 year question. Maybe you could tell your therapist about this post or discuss responses and how you feel about them as a starting point? Let us know how it goes whatever you decide x

OP I'm a bit older but you sound like me.

It is hard to imagine the possibilities when you've just been kept down for so long. Making the question simple, as in do I want my life to be the same in 2 years or different might be a good place to start.

Are you still living with the abuser?