The EX!! When does it end

[Ninteeneightyone]

I split with my DS father 4 months ago when DS was 5 weeks old. After DS was born my now ex turned into an even bigger man child than he was before. Refused to do night feeds, change nappies, wouldn’t do a scrap of housework or was a stitch of clothes, expected to be waited on hand and foot. If I didn’t cook, we wouldn’t eat. I had a really bad labour and birth and was unwell for weeks after DS was born but he still chose to go back to work 2 weeks earlier than he had to. He made us miss DS birth registration as he was late back from the gym. We argued constantly and I couldn’t take anymore so ended the relationship and eventually he left. He then refused to be as DS birth registration (as I had to book a new appointment due to missing the first one) and as we’re not married, his name isn’t on the birth certificate.

After the split he called me every name under the sun. A cunt. An unfit mother. A mentally unstable lunatic who didn’t deserve to be a mother, amongst other things. Then he would turn everything around and make out it was all my fault and that I was an emotional abuser etc. He even got his mother to call my doctor and tell them she thought I was suffering from PND!!

Anyway, the last 2 months have been pretty quiet as I’ve stopped responding to his emails. He sees DS for a few hours 2 week nights and a Saturday. No overnights yet as DS is too young.

The other night I got an email from him saying he could smell a mans scent from DS head and it had better not happen again. I replied with laughing faces and said that I must smell like a man then as I was the only person DS had been near that day. I got an angry reply which I ignored. Then I woke up this morning to another email that he had sent in the early hours of the morning saying I had ruined his life. 3 more abusive emails followed with him saying things like I would sg anything with a pulse, I’m a life and energy hoover, it was just as well he left when he did before I started sing anything Male with a pulse and that he despised me.

I’m trying to ignore it all but I just don’t know how much more I can take. When will it end!

It will end when he's dead. Sorry.

After that lot I would cut off his ability to abuse you.

Send him an email/text saying due to his abuse you will be blocking him.

Then walk away.

I wish I could but I have to hand over DS to him the few night a week he sees him

Can family help with handovers for the mean time?

Save those messages. Print. Take them to go see a solicitor. Surely it proves he’s mentally unfit? It’s worth finding out if there’s anything you can do from a trained professional

Is there a relative or friend who can act as a point of contact? Then you can block all contact from him.

Surely it proves he’s mentally unfit?

Being abusive is not a mental illness.

This man has deliberately made the choice not to go on the birth certificate so does not have parental responsibility. You are not obliged to allow him to visit or have access to your child.

It's good that he has emailed his abuse, it gives you plenty of evidence. You need urgent legal advice. If he wants PR or a CAO he needs to go to court.

Does he pay maintenance?

Why on earth are you handing over your precious baby to this nasty, abusive man?

Was thinking exactly the same as Windygate. If he chose not to be on the birth certificate, surely he gave up any rights. Was also wondering if he paid maintenance and if he actually wants to be in his child's life?

Surely the fact he’s not in the birth certificate is good news? I would print out absolutely all the abusive communications and go back to a solicitor. I’m not sure how it works but if he isn’t on the birth certificate and you don’t want any child support then could you not just stop all contact? I might well be wrong here sorry!

Yes you are all right, he doesn’t have parental responsibility but he would get it if he applied through the courts. I have checked, double checked and triple checked this. The courts will give him access to DS regardless of the abuse towards me - the look at the best interests of the child and unless he’s done anything to harm DS, he wouldn’t be denied access. Yes, he pays maintenance - I had to go through the CMS for this though. Paying maintenance and parental responsibility/access are 2 separate issues entirely.

Is the contact Court ordered? If not then let him take you to court for contact.
Does he have Parental responsibility? Probably not as he isn't on the birth certificate.
Keep the emails as proof of his behaviour. Contact Women's Aid. But you should block him from all but one way of contacting you - preferably email so you have proof. And only look at that at set times.
And get some legal advice.

@MollyButton I have blocked him from all but email. I don’t stop him from seeing DS as I don’t believe that’s the right thing to do. Yes, he’s abusive towards me but I know he wouldn’t hurt DS.

@Ninteeneightyone i would get a Non Mol Order through Woman's Aid and let the Court decide what contact is deemed appropriate for now. You are correct and i admire your doing the right thing by letting him see your baby, but it seems seeing the baby is causing the abuse. Until he stops i would seek legal advice and stop contact until you are away from his behaviour.

I was fully expecting this to be greenberet.

I agree with the others.

Get a non mol order from women's aid. Stop all contact and go through the courts. Get his name put on the birth certificate, I imagine at this point he will want a dna test. Then insist on contact in a contact centre only or at least somewhere you don't have to see him. Block him on everything including email. If he defies any of that and contacts you or harasses you in anyway, call the police.

I had a similar situation with the foul name calling op with my ex, it didn't last long when I refused to engage the first few times then took screen shots of them and told him I'd sent them to my solicitor. They are furious we walk away from them and are no longer in their control and the overwhelming jealousy that we might be with someone else irrelevant of the fact they are incompetent to treat us decently. My ex got it out his system within a case of a few weeks and that was 4 years ago. Hope it's the same for you.

Really amazing how you've coped this far. You are not at fault in any way with how you're coping with this abuse. The only thing causing the abuse is him. Please keep safe and contact your local domestic violence centre or women's aid and get the support you deserve and the best advice for handling your specific situation. Please do be careful and keep a record of everything for services and potentially police. Do you have good support around you? You really shouldn't have to go through this alone. Stay strong and smart. It will get better. x

Grey rock my love, it's the only way when you have this many years ahead of you.

Google it, good luck x

Yes, he’s abusive towards me but I know he wouldn’t hurt DS Being abusive to you is hurting your DS, just as him being abusive to your DS would hurt you. It’s not two separate issues.

You do not have to allow contact unless he goes to court for it. He’ll also have to prove biological relationship.

Don’t respond to his emails. If you want to allow contact, fix times so you don’t have to contact him. Keep his abusive emails as proof of what a twat he is.