I'm trapped in a loveless marriage

[Lovetoread84]

I'm sure I'm not the only one in this situation. I could kick myself for it, my mum and my nan both advised me when I was younger to never stay with a man you don't love and don't put up with any crap from them. And here I am doing exactly that.
Ive been with my husband nearly 20 years, never had a serious relationship with anyone else, neither has he, so that's a problem straight away. Fear of the unknown if you split etc.
To be truthful we were never right for each other from the start, my friends told me this, but love is blind and all that.
Now 20 years later, 2 kids, I'm a sahm so financially dependent on him (yes I know this is one of the worst things you could do). We do not love each other. I can go so far as to say I actually hate everything about him now. These feelings have developed over a long time. I would say that he feels the same about me too.
Talking about it on here is my only outlet because I have noone in real life I can talk to. I don't want to admit to family that I have messed up.
There has never been any violence or anything like that, we have a pretty nice life, no health concerns, wonderful kids etc. I just think, is this it? Thinking about being with him when the kids have left or being at home together when he retires, makes my blood run cold. I hate being in his company.

I don't know what I'm asking really, just for an outlet.
Has anyone on here ever separated when they have been with someone for so long? If so, how did you find your new life? I wouldn't know where to start. We clash alot over our parenting styles and even if we were seperated I know this would continue because we've got to parent the kids. I'm trapped until the kids are adults

Forgot to add, we don't have sex, haven't for 4 years. We sleep in seperate bedrooms. There is no kisses, no cuddles. I recoil if he touches me. I feel like we are past the point of no return.
In some ways I wish that he would have an affair and leave me, then the decision has been made for me

We are only mid 30s and have young children

You are still young. You don't say how old the children are, but could you get a part time job? Where you can save some money? It's not good for the children either, they will pick up on things as they get older. As a child I honestly think it's better to have divorced parents than parents who obviously dislike each other, but stay for the sake of the children.

You sound exactly me like 3 years ago. I began to realise exactly the same as you have written. I didn't want my kids growing up thinking this was normal.
I started with counselling for myself so I could talk my feelings through.
That made me realise my relationship was worse than I thought. It took me nearly a year to make the break but I did it and I'm glad it took so long as I know I made the right decision.
I'm now in a fantastic relationship with a man who loves and supports me.

If there isn't any harm or violence I would say take your time. Get things in order. Try and get a job if you wanted to do you feel more independent.

I've not been able to get a job because we don't have any outside help to look after the children, and my husband works long hours and different days.
I would like to have a term time job or a job within school hours but it would be very hard for me if the kids were ill, on holiday etc. My husband has told me many times he won't /can't have time off for the kids. He's got a senior manager role and believes he should be there at all times. Also if I did work he wants/would want me to put 100% of the wage into the joint account as he does. So I wouldn't be able to save any of it

You are not trapped until the children are adults; you are so very wrong there.

What are you getting still out of this relationship?. Something is keeping you within this and if it is fear of the unknown and or the children then these are utterly poor reasons for staying.

Fear of the unknown is one of many reasons why people stay together when they clearly should not be together any longer.
You have a choice re this man, they do not. Your children have to follow your lead.

What would your advice be to a friend in this situation; you would likely be telling her to start making a firm plan to leave the relationship. If so, why can you not start the same process?. Why are you so fearful?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Do you really want to teach them that a loveless marriage is their norm too?. Is that what you both as their mum and dad want for them?. They are certainly picking up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken and their home is not the sanctuary it should be. Its a warzone with the parents having their own private based war against the other. They all too clearly see the separate bedrooms and your antipathies towards each other. These children are not and should not be the glue that binds you and he together; both of you are still together for your own reasons, its nothing to do with them. I would urge you to not waste any more years on this dead marriage and make a clean break from him. Seek counselling on your own and legal advice for your own self, knowledge after all is power.

No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable and no man as he will find out, is above the law here.

Do you really think that such a man is actually at all bothered about his children now?. It does not sound like it (won't have time off for the kids indeed). He may well try and use the children as weapons to further beat you with and/or punish you for having the utter cheek in his eyes to leave him.

I see my obstacles as :
Financial. I haven't worked for a long time and have no skills or career. I could only work a minimum wage job which wouldn't cover my outgoings. I have no savings.

1. I don't want to be apart from my children when they are with their dad and miss out on what they are up to. I live for my kids, I have nothing else in my life other than my kids.

3.i don't want my children to have a step mum.

1. Fear of the unknown as I have never been an adult on my own.

5.i don't want my kids to have divorced parents, noone has ever divorced in either of our families. I know that these are all rediculous points and many people do this and manage fine.

Hi op, all very valid obstacles, however have you equally wrote a list of positives if you were to separate?
Fear is keeping you together, fear of the unknown and change. I cannot advise, but do you want to look back in another 10 years and wish that you had left years ago? I do not think anytime is perfect, is anyones life perfect?
Perhaps start making plans, how old are your children? Think about retraining, start buiding up a social life for yourself.
You do have money, you own half of everything in your marriage and that equally applies to savings.
No one wants their children to be a product of a broken home, I know I felt a terrible sense of failure.
Speak to your husband, chances are he is as unhappy as you. Just beware that one day everything might be taken out of your hands as he may be the one who wants out, so it is wise to start planning for the future with or without him.

You are still young though, you could spend the next 10, 15 odd years living this life, and then what? I grew up with parents who didn't love each other, my dad having affairs, my mum staying because she wasn't financially stable. We left in our 20s, she was then trapped, felt too old to leave, spent too many years with him. She died at 68 never really being happy.
Don't stay for false hope and what ifs.

1.Retrain or start work while you're still with him. When you split, you'll have a claim on at least half of the marital assets and he's expected to pay child support, and you may get topped up with universal credit etc. Your lifestyle will change, but not necessarily for the worse. You'll have autonomy and that's fab.

1. You need to have more in your life than your kids. That's not healthy. For you or them.

1. A step-parent can be a boon. No one will ever replace you.

1. It's easier than you think. You just get on with things.

1. You might be the first, but hey, you might start a craze.

Other mothers work and manage paid childcare, even if the job simply pays for childcare. Surely they are both at school? A job will be something to concentrate on rather than your husband and you will have a launch pad for when the divorce happens, even if it is years in the future. A job will pay for rent/mortgage etc and give you a pension in your own right regardless of whether you find anyone else.

It sounds life you have settled into comfortable inertia rather than actually changing your life.

Can you honestly see yourself in this marriage in 10, 20 or even 40 years time?
Are you happy in a relationship with no sex, no cuddles in bed, no snuggles on the sofa?
Do you want your marriage as it is to be the role model for your children?
If you answered no to those questions then you have two choices. You either go to counselling with your husband and fix your marriage or you make a plan to leave.
I used to be the same as you. I left. It's early days but the relief at being free is incredible.

I was in a very similar situation, down to being a SAHM.

I retrained, did an apprenticeship so gained a qualification and work part time. Luckily my job allowed me to work school hours. Lots of companies are family friendly these days.

Once I had a permanent contract, I knew it was coming and not long after i ended my marriage. With my wage, maintenance, child benefit and UC, I'm ok for income. Luckily the mortgage is low and ex and I have sorted out what we want financially which I'm happy with.

I met someone else very quickly so haven't done the alone thing. I'm so happy now and can really see what I was missing. Life is too short OP. I actually enjoy my child free times (as I had the same fears as you). I also realised they are getting older and will have their own lives so I need interests of my own.

The step parent thing, hasn't happened yet and I'm not feeling massively positive about it but id rather that than stay in an unhappy relationship for the next 40/50 years!

I’m in the same boat OP so can absolutely sympathise

The fact as well that you cannot answer what you actually get out of this relationship now speaks volumes. You're really getting nothing out of it.

Re your comment (that I have separated out) re your obstacles:- "1. Financial. I haven't worked for a long time and have no skills or career. I could only work a minimum wage job which wouldn't cover my outgoings. I have no savings".
You can retrain and learn new skills; you are never too old to restart education. You have skills already with regards to the children not least of all organising and time management. Being married to this person also gives you legal rights which you should exercise. You will get a financial settlement in a divorce.

"2. I don't want to be apart from my children when they are with their dad and miss out on what they are up to. I live for my kids, I have nothing else in my life other than my kids".
You should not solely define yourself by your children; its not healthy for anyone. As I said before do you think that someone like their father, who is seemingly present at work all the time, would actually make time for his children post separation. I doubt it very much as such types are in this for their own selves.

"3.i don't want my children to have a step mum".
That is a factor you cannot control re him. Also you may meet someone else in the longer term.

"4. Fear of the unknown as I have never been an adult on my own".
Its about time you stepped out of the shadows of your marriage into the light. Fear of the unknown is scary but being in a loveless marriage will only destroy you and take your kids down with you both.

"5.i don't want my kids to have divorced parents, noone has ever divorced in either of our families".
So what if you are the first, c'mon people get divorced every day and no-one bats an eyelid these days. I would think your late nan and your mother would not want you to be in such a rubbish marriage and they stated as much also.

No obstacle to leaving is insurmountable. Your obstacles to leaving are in your head primarily and can be overcome.

Again you have a choice re this man, your children do not. I daresay you would never want them to enter into a marriage like yours and the two of you as their parents cannot afford to keep on showing them such rubbish lessons on relationships. It is no legacy to leave them.

Another factor you may not have considered is that your current husband may one day become incapacitated and if you are still with him then, you could end up being his carer.

Attila is correct, I decided to stay for the kids, since then my partner has been diagnosed with a progressive condition
, leaving now will be so much harder when they grow up. I'm not sure I'll have the courage to do it then, I certainly don't now.

Not an easy decision at the best of times, but one you may regret not taking.

Like Debrons, I'm exactly in the same boat as you although I do work but that is not permanent. I really sympathise with you. It's a horrible place to be. I've been in denial for too long, the last year or so and finally woke up to things in August. I realised just a couple of weeks ago that i need to do something and not waste anymore years of my life being in a loveless and sexless marriage! I've made a plan so holding fire for another 6 months max, until my financial situation has improved then will get the ball rolling. I urge you to do the same. Make a plan! Good luck OP! X

So you’re fed up of the man who’s enabled you to be financially stable while not having to work? Perhaps you should have thought of this earlier?
One of your reasons, you don’t want the kids to have a step mum, utterly ridiculous. Stay where you are with your cash cow then.

@myfeet. That's harsh!

Perhaps harsh but if the kids are young but they’ve been together 20 years then she couldn’t have just suddenly started to have these feelings. She chose to have kids with and lose her financial independence to a man she despises? Why? Because it meant she didn’t have to work and could do naice
Things with her mummy friends. Get a job!

Harsh some of these comments.

Not as easy as it’s made out. Not it’s not a good example to set for relationships but child poverty after couples split is no walk in the park either.

I really think some of you have never experienced living in a bad area and having no money to spare. These things also have a knock on affect to a child’s development. Just something to consider when saying LTB.

Yes get yourself set up with a job first.

Leave it a year to see if it’s amid life crisis or not.

You can always change your mind to leave but if you leave now you can’t go back and as the poster above said poverty is no laugh.

You’re not the only one.

I’m ‘stuck’ with someone who treats me like shit. Rude to me, insults me in front of my son, intimates I’m lying all the time, says everything I do is crap, ogles other women - truly an arse. Tried leaving him and he announced to our son that we were splitting and asked him to live with him: emotional blackmail which broke me when I saw how upset my son was. Marriage counselling ... tick. All it proved to me was that he really is a mess. He even threw the box of tissues at me when the counsellor was in the other room preparing for our session (as in ‘here you go, you always need these bitch). I told him tonight I’m done and I’m sleeping in the spare room permanently until we work out how to unravel this, but if he announces this to our son, I’ll have his balls.