How best to resolve a fraught MIL relationship, amicably

[sleepfinder]

anyone had any luck resolving MIL problems in an amicable and positive way?

I'm looking for inspiration from resolutions so those of you who LURVE your MIL already, great, fantastic, but not helpful Ta.

Ok, what has she done this time?

I tolerate my inl's but really don't like them, they are controlling & strange.

Having posted on here a few times have had the advice to treat myself to new top/have my hair done/ go out with friends etc around when we have to see them and just except that this is the way they are and try to keep the peace and set boundaries.

oh dear. I want to avoid the "never speaking again" scenario, things aren't that bad.

Trying to keep things light and peaceful, sometimes compromising and other more testing times setting boundaries is what we try.

Its a process of constant repetition though which I find really hard work and draining to the point of tears sometimes. ...

What I've found works is to be very clear and frank about what I expect for me and my children from them. i.e. they are grandparents. They are to love, adore and have fun with my children. They are not parents, making parental decisions for them. They now toe the line. We had a big row and that cleared the air. Not that I'm recommending a row but I do think being clear is the fairest way and makes sure everyone understands their position. It's always tricky after GCs come into the equation.

MIL still thinks she should be able to make parenting decisions for my kids and come round whenever she wants, as often as she wants but she knows that's not on. She can think what she likes.

Agree with WW. Things will never be cleared whilst there is unresolved feelings. In my family, when things annoy us, we tell each other and that sorts everything out. In my DH's family, they do not do that and there is all sorts of unresolved tensions about them... not that I care, I have washed my hands with the lot of them... they're his family, not mine. But, if they could be honest and a bit less selfish, then I think their issues would be resolved. Unfortunately in my case they're just too dammed selfish to do that. Still, might work for you!?!

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WinkyWinkola advice is very good, provided she is a reasonable person. Definitively worth trying. If they know what to respect and do respect it, the likelyhood of problems building up it's minimal.

However, my MIL is an unreasonable person with a selective memory that doesn't allow her to remember the rules or make up problems where there were none. So... last time DH tried to have a serious conversation with her about the matter... I ended up locking myself and DS in the bathroom while MIL kept banging the door and yelling at me that I had separated her from her son! .

But that solved the problem anyway, she is so offensive now that we have a good excuse not to see her. We are at peace now, we don't see her much, her loss, her self inflicted problem.

thanks everyone, I'm realising there is no one simple answer and that unreasonable / forgetful folks are just that and there's no changing it.

In a way it would be easier to cut her out of the picture completely but I think that would be harsh and sad and only a final resort.

Will keep on trying! Thanks again.

PS Myermay - I've not gone into what she's done or does because I just need help trying to get past that, in a way, if that makes any sense...

I have nightmare FIL, MIL is lovely but under his thumb. We used to bite our tongue over lots of things as we felt it was unfair to penalise MIL for FIL's behaviour.

We had a huge row with the classic straw that broke the camel's back, with us leaving their house (FIL does not DO emotion, very cold ) and ended up e-mailing them. We got everything out with examples of his unreasonable behaviour and him over-riding our decisions right in front of us. Me saying no to something and then him allowing my son to do it. Me then dealing with consequences etc

My DH had meeting with his Mum to put our side forward, bearing in mind that her own MIL was bitch from hell and my DH had to tell her how awful it was to see her in tears after every fortnightly visit -so in other words my FIL watched his own mother strip his wife of all her dignity and self worth. See told you he was nice

It cleared the air, I have noticed that he tends to want to avoid us and just have my son go to their house for weekend etc but MIL is very nice and lovely so we swallow his vitriol for her and invite them for dinner on returning son. He is cordial but not over enthusiastic, it is fine.

I think unless you stand your ground and actually say what is wrong and how you want to fix it (as opposed to just complaining) then I don't think it will get any better.

Hope this helps.

Am I complaining? I didn't think so...I thought I was looking for positive accounts where problems were resolved. thanks for your account though.

I wouldnt say issues are resolved, but I would say we have achieved a truce and fairly happy relationship, my method has been to be as honest as I can, bite my tongue a LOT and when they have got too much for me, we just havn't visited for a while.

I think over the years she has realised when she has gone too far because she doesnt see the kids for a while.

I let her do her own thing with the kids as long as it isnt causing our parenting style, problems if that makes!

She does dote on the children, and I always try and remember that she does love them a lot, I find that makes it easier to forgive.

I try NOT to rant to DH (have MN and friends for when I really need to!), but I do make him discuss issues, so we are coming at it from the same angle and if something needs to be said it is normally better coming from him.

Amazingly from where we were 10 years ago with them telling me I would ruin his life etc if I married him, I now do chat to his mum on the phone and we do sometimes have a laugh.

It can be done, but I would say it won't change overnight

I think the important thing is not to bottle up and try to brush things to the side. She may not realise how you feel until you tell her.

Choosing the right moment to tell her is quite important, never when you are angry. Just ask your husband (yes, it should be your husband) to tell her something positive to start with and then follow with the problem (ie. We really love to see the children so happy when you are around, they are having a great time, we are happy that you have come to visit, bla blah, blah, but... we have noticed that ABCDE which happens if you do WXYZ. Could you please help us to make the visits easier for everyone?, etc etc.)

If she is reasonable enough that may help her to be more concious about what she says before splurting it out (although some problems may repeat anyway as she is trying to get out of the habit).

We did this about 10 times before the big break out, but my MIL is a prize one, so there was no hope. The break up was horrible but what separated us from her was, mainly, that she asked DH to choose between her or me. I would be willing to give it another go, but realising that she cared more about herself than about DS's hapiness really openned our eyes to question how real her "love" for DS was.

Wierdbird - I've had the same experience as you. Was very hurt when DH's family said I would 'ruin his life' if we married, but that was 14 years ago and I, too, can now chat on the phone with them. They have accepted that I am a fact of life which they can't change.

It helps if you are prepared NOT to hold grudges, but realise that people are complex and that they might be grumpy or behave in a certain way for all sorts of reasons, not just becasue of you. End of rant, hope that made sense! (No, it didn't, off to quaff another vat of wine )

thanks so much for your advice and stories. Strangely enough I was out today having lunch with my husband and baby and at the next table were two women, and a baby - one of the women was the grandmother.

She had a lot of interesting things to say to her friend, including that when she looked at her grandchild she felt "if it weren't for me, you wouldn't be here"

in a way of course, she's right - but I'd never even considered that POV

She also said that according to granny status, if you're the mother of the mother, you're "primary" grandmother, and if you're the mother of the son who is father of the baby you're "secondary" - which I assume is because of her own position.

Just interesting to have an insight like that today!

I have heard much about the primary and secondary grannie but with other terminology. That's the way it works in the culture of DH and in mine, mums of the mothers tend to be nearer to their grandchildren. Perhaps because there is a background of years and years of knowing each other's antics, because most mums get the first idea of what motherhood is from their own mothers, or because you can tell to your own DD things you wouldn't tell the girlfriend, now wife, of your son without getting into trouble. The relationship tends to be different.

my gd only have us as grandparents,the other grandad died alcoholic /mother left them so we were only ones for them,tbh we are all we got,daughters partners took an intrest in them till gs was born and suddenly it stopped.not nice

No advice really, but from experience (over 20 years of it!) would say that things do get easier.

We rubbed along for the first 10 or so years with the occsional explosion - normally directed by me at dh.

She now understands that we have a strong family unit, and takes pleasure in being part of it on occasions - but not running it!

Fortunately, we are 150 miles apart!