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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New guy

12 replies

toffeeapple123 · 13/09/2019 11:15

Been seeing a guy for a month or so. Last night he opened up and said his mum is really, really unwell but she keeps hanging on.

And I said ‘perhaps for grandchildren from you or your siblings’ and he said one of his sisters is gay, the other is unwell and he won’t have any for at least two years because that’s how long he needs to figure out if someone is right for him.

Odd thing to say? How long do you need to wait until you know someone is right for you? I don’t don’t want to wait two years...

I’m mid 30s, he’s early 40s.

OP posts:

Gruzinkerbell1 · 13/09/2019 11:18

At least 2 years! Not odd at all and very reasonable.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 13/09/2019 11:36

He could have perhaps phrased it slightly more sensitively given that he's talking to his new girlfriend, but

a) He's talking about his mum being terminally ill and dying before long, so it's understandable that the delivery of his statement wasn't his priority.
b) He's right - he could be thinking you're exactly the person he could be with, but know that waiting a couple of years to be totally sure before having kids with someone is very sensible!

Oysterbabe · 13/09/2019 11:39

2 years seems pretty sensible to me!

Pinkbonbon · 13/09/2019 11:41

Youve just met this guy and you've already kinda used his Ill mother to bring up having kids with him? You're lucky he didn't run for the hills!

'I don't want to me wait two years' ...are you crazy? Two years is the bare minimum you should know someone for before having kids with them. You've dated him a month, you don't know this man from Adam. You're giving off some mad crazy vibes right now, I hope you know that. Better check yourself before you scare him off.

AmIThough · 13/09/2019 11:48

Two years is not unreasonable to know whether you want to have children with somebody. Sounds sensible to me.

You're brave, bringing up kids less than a month in...

peachgreen · 13/09/2019 11:56

Odd thing to say?

Not as odd as bringing up kids with a guy you've been dating for a month who is talking about his seriously ill mum!

RitmoRatmo · 13/09/2019 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

toffeeapple123 · 13/09/2019 12:06

We discussed what we are both looking for on second date - life partner, marriage, kids. Think it’s sensible.

OP posts:

Everafter1 · 13/09/2019 12:06

I don't think there's a specific time. That's probably his estimation just now because he's still not met "the one".

Oysterbabe · 13/09/2019 12:11

So how soon do you want marriage and kids?

Rushing into these things is a recipe for disaster. The first 2 years is still honeymoon phase! If what you're really looking for is a sperm donor use an actual sperm donor.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 13/09/2019 12:18

“We discussed what we are both looking for on second date - life partner, marriage kids”

All well and good. But you still need time to assess if you’ve really met the right person to do all of that with. Not just stick together because you both happen to want the same things so may as well go through it together. A very minimum of 2 years is sensible.

Pinkbonbon · 13/09/2019 12:19

People can say anything on a second date though. Pretty common to just tell the other person what you think they want to hear.

I mean the guy is 42 and doesn't have kids so..i would assume its more than possible he doesn't actually want kids. And if he did, he clearly hasn't met someone he wanted to have kids with up until this point so...

But saying 'I want to wait at least two years' is perfectly sensible. Besides even if you are both on the same page as to what you want in theory, doesn't mean that it would work in practice. You'd have no idea a month into dating whether or not kids will ever be on the table with this person, because you don't know him.

I'd like to get married and travel the world with a partner one day but if some dude tells me he wants the same thing on a second date, it doesn't mean anything other than IF it did go somewhere with us, we'd have the same goals.

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