DH just threw food at the wall in temper

[CatsPajamaz]

It's DS's birthday today. DH is struggling with depression but has good and bad days. We were just sitting down for our party tea. DS was excited and running around, DD was whinging and it was all generally a bit chaotic. DH was telling DD to stop and told DS to sit down etc, went to sit on the chair and the dog had snuck onto it while he wasn't looking so he partially sat in the dog ( the dog is fine btw). DH then leaps up, grabs a handful of the crisis in front of him and launches them up the wall, shouting, and storms off! The children were crying that the party had been ruined but were distracted with cake (they are only 4 and 5).

I've never heard him raise his voice in the 10 years we've been together! I'm so shocked

He came back about 10 minutes later and we carried on. Now the DC are in bed I'm going to tell him that it cannot happen again, ever! I'm just can't believe it happened!

Am I over reacting?

He threw crisps at the wall? Not the same as hurling a plate of cooked food at the wall.

And this is the first t8me in ten years, and he has depression?

Talk to him when you’re both calm.

He probably needs to take the ADs for now. He can think about coming off them when he feels better.

On a lot of these, "this suddenly happened out of the blue" type of threads the OP reveals that this is the latest in a long line of similar episodes. It doesn't sound like this is the case at all with your DH? You say you've never heard him raise his voice even in the ten years you've been together. I'd definitely be talking to him, but coming at it from a, "can you tell me what happened as this isn't like you AT ALL and so I'm really worried" angle rather than anger.

I have no expertise in anti-depressants, but I was at a talk in past year where the speaker reported that more often than not people have to try a number of different ADs before they find the one that suits their body best ……… corny as it might sound it does seem that 'every body is different'! There might be some chemists / pharmacists / medics on this who know more.

"We have been to the GP and he has been prescribed ADs but he won't take them. He says they make him feel flat and exhausted all the time."

Unacceptable. He needs to go back to the GP and ask for a different antidepressant. He also needs to try counselling / CBT / mindfulness. He can't just allow his depression to go untreated - it clearly affects his family and not just him, as this latest incident shows.

He's never done anything like this before. I'm just worried in case it happens again.

Of course you are. As others have said you need to talk to him. Tell him you are worried, he reacted really badly, this time it was crisps he threw, but what happens if he loses control again and he throws something heavier? Your dc should not be exposed to that.

Tell him he has to go back to his dr and talk to him. Would be let you go with him?

He needs to know how worried you are for him.

@tava63
Completely true.
One made me feel like a zombie.
One upset my stomach.
One made me so tired that I wasn’t safe to drive.
One made me feel happy and able to cope with tasks that seemed impossible before. It’s enabled me to really enjoy living and spending time with my loved ones.

No drip feed, I have literally never heard him raise his voice. He won't even call upstairs to me if he wants something.

He only took one of the tablets and had refused to take anymore. Ive tried to get him to think about trying a different brand but he is adamant that he won't try again.

I know it probably sounds like an overreaction but it's so out of character. I've made a huge amount of adjustments and changes to our lives to try to accommodate him not feeling well. He still isn't coping and I don't know where else to go. I can cope with my life being changed but I won't have our children affected by him being unwell, it's not fair on them.

And yes, they did both cry and say the party was ruined... until I gave them cake and a cuddle. They were obviously shocked at the time but will have forgotten by now, they expect.

He only took one of the tablets?! That's ridiculous. It takes a while for tablets to kick in and sometimes there are side effects at the beginning which then subside. It's only if the pills aren't helping after a week or two and/or the side effects haven't subsided that you would switch to something else.

You've been supportive so far but it gets to the point where you have to put your foot down. He can't refuse treatment and get away with behaving badly. I would be getting very firm with him at this point. (And I've struggled with depression so I do understand - I know how important it is to get treatment!)

Did he not even apologise/acknowledge it when he walked back in? That would be the worst bit for me, if you acknowledge it and say ‘sorry don’t know what’s wrong with me’ etc, then you open up the conversation to get help. Infuriating to sweep it under the rug!
At 4&5 I wouldn’t be surprised if the kids will remember that forever too.
He needs to sort out his medication and take some responsibility.

Honestly? If he won’t seek treatment then you can’t keep living with him and putting your kids through this. Depression is shit. Bloody awful in ways that I can’t even begin to explain. But you don’t get better without taking steps towards recovering. His kids deserve better than to be subjected to this.

Your DH needs to recognise the impact of his behaviour on those around him, and I’m worried that he hasn’t apologised for his outburst, but is carrying on as normal. He is not addressing something that’s really important.
He needs to take the tablets he has been prescribed. He has only taken one - that hadn’t made him feel flat and low, that’s the depression.
I know it’s hard, but you both need to sit down and try and talk about this, when you are both calm and are not busy with children etc.

Sorry but I'd be reading the riot act. Depression does not entitle you to behave like a dick in front of your kids.

Do you know anything about depression?

Reading the riot act is the worst thing to do in this situation.

Not great for the kids but nobody got hurt, nobody died, kids were fine after a cuddle.

A gentle "what shall we do about it" chat is far more appropriate.

Op m'y now ex DH was the same. I knew he was depressed but herefused to go to a GP.

A year later he went to the GP who prescribed AD's. He refused to take them
Another 12 or so months passed and I made him go back to GP who again prescribed AD's he still wouldn't take them.

Then the throwing things started. He smashed 2 mobiles throwing them at the wall and 1 dinner. He also started bad mouthing various friends and family and verbally abusing me.

It escalated over 2/3 years until one Saturday night I finally snapped. I told him to leave and have never felt so relieved,

You can't help people who refuse to help themselves