Do I give him another chance?

[lizzlebizzle33]

Since Ds2 arrived DP and I have been on a very rocky road. Exhaustion from having 2 under 2 and sleepless nights for over a year has taken its toll on our relationship.

I'm not saying we were perfect before but we loved each other, we have been together almost 15 years.

The past year though has been awful. He is lazy, unhelpful, ungrateful and just a misery to be around sometimes. He is emotionally unavailable, lies to me about drinking and lies about money.

He has mental health issues that he refuses to get any help for.

Today for me was the final straw, after something he said and the way he spoke to me and screamed at me in front of the kids. I told him to pack his bags and get out as I was done being treated like this.

He has refused to leave. He completely broke down which I have never seen him do before. He's trying to talk to me, promising this and saying he will get help and he is sorry for everything he put me through.

Being from a broken home myself I want our family together so badly but I'm afraid to give him yet another chance.

He has no where to go and no money, I don't know what to do. I've been with him almost half of my life, I don't want to throw it away but I can't go on like this. How do I know he will really try and change?

Has anybody got any advice please?

Is there anywhere he can go to for a month or so, to give you a break?

I don't think so. His mum and dad are close by but because of his actions in the past they will not have him there.

He's not going to change while he lives with you. The only chance is if he moves out.

What has he done that means his parents won't have him staying with them?

What action s? And why has he no money?

He needs to feel the consequences of his behaviour and if you cave in now then he just won't learn.

Re your comment:-

"'I've been with him almost half of my life, I don't want to throw it away but I can't go on like this."

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Time to make the second half better than the first then. All this about "throwing it away" is the sunken costs fallacy; that will basically enable you to keep on making poor relationship decisions. You indeed cannot go on as you are.

Such men always but always refuse to leave but he will find somewhere to go to. Its not your problem in any case. Your children cannot afford to grow up continually seeing such a poor example of a relationship; you are codependent and that state is not helping you any either. All he wants from you is for you to keep on enabling him and his associated behaviours as you have done to date to your cost. You and for that matter your children deserve better.

We can't afford childcare so we both work part time and look after the boys.

All our money goes on rent, bills food and travel costs, we have nothing left at the end. So he can't just go and rent his own place.

His parents(dad especially) is not willing to live with him again (I have asked) for the same reasons as me I guess.

We had an awful argument about 6 months ago where he was smashing up the kitchen and wouldn't leave so I called the police. Which he "dared" me to do.

I also called his parents to come and keep the boys happy while I dealt with it.
He verbally abused his dad so much that his mum gave him a slap, and things haven't been right with them since.

I know if he stays here it's very likely he won't change but I don't want to see him homeless. I'm so lost here I don't know what to do.

I'll have to leave my job too as I'll need to look after the children. Then what? We can barely get by now.

If he was really sorry he wouldn't have done it in the first place. If he had any respect for you at all he wouldn't have been treating you like that and yelling at you, lying etc. This is who he is. You deserve better.

This is what codependency is all about; in your case putting his needs well above yours and that of your childrens. Is this what you want them to remember about their own childhoods; they have seen and heard more than enough already. He has no respect for you at all and you have no self respect for yourself either; that is something he has and will continue to play on.

What @AtillaTheMeerkat said.

From everything you’ve said he’s abusive with a huge anger management issue.

I think you’d be doing yourself and your boys a huge disservice to try and recover things.

No, you should not give him another chance, not right now.

If you really want to, tell yourself that you will reassess the relationship in a year - if he moves out, engages with therapy, confronts his drinking, co parents amicably and reliably, and treats you with respect, then MAYBE you can consider getting back together.

But he is violent, abusive and so unreasonable that his OWN PARENTS won't let him stay with them - there is no way on earth that you should have to put up with this.

So what can you do to facilitate his exit from your life?

• check out what benefits and support you would be entitled to as a single parent
• what is your housing situation?
• how do you think it would go if you just told him to leave? Do you think he would get violent?
• Can you move out and stay with someone for a while? Sometimes it's a cleaner break for you to leave and sort out a new flat, rather than attempt to keep him out of a place which he regards as "his".

Good luck, OP. You can do this.

I think it’s very telling that his parents won’t have him back home. It speaks volumes.

I agree with some of the others. Give him a year on his own to get his act together and then make a decision. And meanwhile put yourself and DCs first.

op it sounds like he is abusive and I would think that if you forgive this thing it will be even worse next time, and the physical stuff will probably escalate too.
I know it is really hard and you feel sorry for him but I think he needs to know you're serious.