Could this point to a porn addiction?

[Wheresmysheep]

BF and I have a healthy and active sex life but he's almost always unable to 'finish' without 'helping' himself at the end, regardless of what we're doing. He's ejaculated through intercourse only once in the entire time we've been dating.

I'm fairly sure I'm not the problem and that he's attracted to me, I keep in shape and look after my pelvic floor etc. so I have no worries about lack of sensation.

Not wanting to embarrass him or myself I've not wanted to raise it. I've some reading online and something that has come up several times is porn addiction. I know he views pornography but I'm not sure to what extent.

Does this sound possible or do you have any idea what else it may be? I've never come across this before and I am feeling a bit insecure about it.

My ex was like this. I ended the relationship.
I'm pretty sure he had a porn addiction but also used a 'death grip' on his dick and do nothing could match that!
I tried talking to him many times but he said the more I complained the more it meant he just wanted to watch porn!
I thought about our future and I just didn't want to deal with it, I didn't love him enough for that.

If he doesn't want to change you'll have to decide if it's a dealbreaker for you or not.

Wow he sounds charming, Elmo. I don't blame you for ending things and would do the same if mine said anything like that.

It's difficult because I haven't addressed it before so don't know how he would respond. I think I'm going to need to be direct and ask if there's a problem.

Is he worried about getting you pregnant?

My ex was a porn addict. He struggled to keep it up and often didn't finish, and when he did, I never knew. It was like he'd become desensitized due to his death grip.

Also, whenever we had stress in our relationship, his porn addiction became worse. He would spend £100's a month on porn once I fell pregnant and when we split up.

If he does have a porn addiction, it could lead to permanent erectile dysfunction. If you find out he's a porn addict and refuses to address it, leave. It'll eat away at you. And because of that, sometimes it's better to not know. I wish I didn't. My daughter might have her dad in her life full time if I hadn't have found out (google history).

Do we suggest that women who can’t come during PIV sex without stimulating themselves must masturbate too often or be porn addicts, too?

Everyone’s different. Sure, he could be a porn addict - though I’ve known plenty of men who use porn and none of them have reported having any issues with actual sex, so I always wonder where this blanket insistence that men who can’t come easily must use too much porn comes from. He could have low testosterone levels, which causes delayed or non-ejaculation. He could be taking medication which reduces sensitivity. Or he could just be wired up this way. Just like women are.

Have you spoken to him about it?

To add, it’s almost certainly absolutely nothing about you or how you look. Everyone’s orgasm is their own responsibility, don’t take personal responsibility for his.

@ComtesseDeSpair No we don't, but that is because most women need clitoral stimulation during sex to orgasm. Men get plenty of stimulation through sex.

Lots of men do use porn but some men use a harder grip which is impossible to replicate, hence why they struggle to orgasm through sex as they have become desensitised- not always but that was my experience with it.

I do understand that there could very well be other reasons why he is struggling to orgasm, but the death grip was the first thing that came to mind reading this post. (Probably because I've been with someone who had that problem)

Sounds like death grip. Google the Dan Savage advice on this. I shared it with my then partner and he took it on board and things improved. It was still there but he did finish through intercourse and other means. But it took a bit of time. He has to want to work at it (basically stop wanking himself off with a death grio) and regain some more sensation.

I never felt embarrassed about mentioning it though and brought it up after our first time together. You should be able to talk about sex with the person you are having sex with.

How old are you both?

I'm mid 20s and he's in his 30s, come to mention it there has been some occasions where he has lost his erection mid way through although getting one and maintaining it isn't a problem in general.

The death grip thing makes alot of sense. I'm going to go and look it up now.

It's not just penetrative sex where we have the problem, it's during oral and hand stimulation aswell. The death grip makes sense because it seems that the only person that can get him to climax is him, even if I spend ages helping him on his way, if he doesn't intervene and give himself a hand (literally) at the end then it doesn't happen.

No I haven't spoken to him about it yet because I haven't wanted to embarrass him or show that it's something I've gotten slightly insecure about.

My ex was the same and it was death grip.

@Wheresmysheep you are quite young to have to deal with something like this. Is the relationship good in other areas? You will be able to tell if it's death grip as it's quite vigorous. I would probably approach it next time you are in bed saying how much you want to feel him finish. And then take it from there.

How he responds will tell you a lot about whether he is the sort of man you want to be in a relationship with.

Thanks all. I've done some reading after these replies and I suspect you're right about the death grip thing.

I'll tactfully raise it when he comes at the weekend and see if we can work on changing things.

Notcoolmum, I do see what you're saying. There is 12 years between us and I never really felt the gap until I become concerned about this aspect of sex.

I hadn't heard of death grip before, to be totally honest I was wondering whether it could also be that he's approaching middle age. I realise that probably sounds quite patronising to middle aged men, so that's not my intention.

I usually date men my own age or a couple of years older is all.

Things are generally good aside the sex problem, which doesn't really cause problems between us on the surface, it's just that I've been internalizing some feelings of inadequacy.

@Wheresmysheep I wouldnt call 30s middle aged. I'm in my 40s though!!

I sent mine the dan Savage link and asked him if it thought it matched his issue and was he willing to follow the advice to see if it helped. He went to the Gp to check there was no medical issue and was open to changing how he touched himself. It wasn't always perfect. But it got a lot better. But hen he dumped me anyway so maybe I should have fled after the first time!! 😂

Sorry to hear that notcoolmum. Credit to you for persevering and trying to make it work in the first place.

Mine is almost 40, so almost out of his 30s

I plan on taking the same approach as you and sending him the dan savage link. Hopefully he's receptive

I'd be more concerned about the fact that you can't talk about the issue rather than the issue itself. It could be one of a million possible reasons but if you don't talk about it, then you will never know. Perhaps he doesn't enjoy what you are doing. Perhaps you can both have an open and honest conversation about what you both enjoy sexually.

I'm quite sure it's not that he doesn't like what I'm doing, he's very complimentary about certain things and we have had discussions about what one another like to do etc.

I don't know, it just feels like a very awkward subject to broach. It's still early days and I didn't want to embarrass him or myself. I'm definitely going to bring it up on the weekend though.

The death grip?! Jesus Mary and Joseph 🤣🙅🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

The new things I learn on mumsnet!

Good luck with it op. Night all xoxo

I was a very promiscuous teenager/20something and whenever this happened (I'd say 20% of guys, no joke!), it turned out to be a porn thing. Moreover, it's usually because their preferred porn is something very different from your body type or preferred sex acts. They're literally thinking of someone else to get off, every time. Your vagina is just getting in the way of their real fantasy.

@Wheresmysheep did you manage to have the conversation this weekend?

See also (though porn use I suspect more likely):

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/delayed-ejaculation/symptoms-causes/syc-20371358