What would you do about this?

[QuentinWinters]

I'm very tired and stressed at the moment (work related mainly) and partner has a back condition and is in a lot of pain. We have been together about a year.

This morning I was tearful and depressed, he kept asking why so I was trying to explain (which was making me cry more). He got really defensive and eventually told me "how dare you? Who the fuck do you think you are?" Because I said contributing factor was how much running round I have do to keep everyone else happy (work is 50 miles from where I live/kids at school. I have 50/50 care with ex H. DP lives where I work)

I was married for 15 years and ex H could be EA and gas lighting. It took me a long time to recognise that and even longer to leave.

I feel like new partner speaking to me like that was unacceptable but I don't know if I'm being paranoid because of my history, or over forgiving because of my history

Just wanted some thoughts - please be kind

"Who the fuck do you think you are"?

Hopefully, someone who's over this arse clown.

Get rid asap - I feel strangely confident your stress levels will improve.

To me that’s unacceptable. He shows a lack of empathy towards you. My ex was like that and more and more unacceptable behaviour started rearing it’s ugly head.
How is his behaviour normally? Do you have any other cause for concern?

I'd find it unacceptable for a partner to speak to me like that - no, you're not paranoid and it sounds like you have good reason to be stressed - you're overstretched and at breaking point. Can you move closer to where your kids are at school? Being 50 miles away when you have 50/50 care really isn't a tenable situation and it certainly sounds like your partner isn't worth putting this much strain on yourself for. Move back and find a job closer to where your kids are at school, and if it relieves you of the partner who is treating you so unkindly, then it wouldn't be such a great loss by the sounds of it.

Completely unacceptable behaviour. A partner should listen to your concerns and accept that that is how you feel.

Sounds like you touched a nerve though to get that reaction. Sounds like he got very defensive and mouthed off because he realised that you have been keeping the plates spinning and cannot / has not more to support you.

Has he behaved like this before?

Thank you - you've made me cry
My ex ground me down to such a bad point, I've known new partner for 10 years and he knows all about ex-H and is incredibly supportive. But will just get stressed and be shitty with me, initially it was withdrawing but recently hes been swearing more- today was the first time it was aimed at me tho

Katherine I think I touched a nerve too. I think he wants to do more but cant because of his back/pain. Still though. I cant do everything

sugar I live half the week in the place my kids go to school (and pay extortionate rent) and the other half I stay at DPs. So that somewhat minimises my travelling but then I'm living out of a suitcase half the week and not enjoying that as when I'm at home I'm just frantically doing laundry/cleaning/shopping and not enjoying time with my children

I'd reply to the who the fuck do you think you are comment with 'someone who is feeling tired, stressed and depressed and someone who has a partner with no empathy and couldn't give a shit'

He should be kind to you all the time. There's no excuse for being mean to you or nasty like this

The way I'm reading it is that OP lives near her children/their school but her work is 50 miles away and her DP lives there too - is that right OP?

I take it from this that you and he don't live together? If so, is it you doing all the back and forth to make your relationship work?

If it's only been a year and he's talking to you in this way - which I would consider completely inappropriate - then bin him

Is your workplace near where the children go to school? I'm a bit confused. If it is, I'd go back to living there permanently.

Sorry, but your DP sounds horrible. Swearing at you when you're upset? Just vile.

I'm guessing he never travels to stay with you? It really is all on you. Why does he not stay at yours when DC are with your ex?

I think you'd be better off ditching him, and moving back home permanently. Am pretty sure your MH will improve when you can stop running around, spend quality time with your DC and actually have time to relax.

Sorry cross post. I'd still think about binning him tho - horrible way to speak to you, even if he is in pain.

tixie yes that's right - my work and his house are 50 miles away from my childrens school/ex h/my house

So when you have the children you have to travel 50 miles per day to get to work?

Would you be able to find work easily nearer the children's school?

He does stay here at weekends sometimes but nowhere near as much as I stay with him. Its difficult tho as in some ways it suits both of us that I stay there as it means I dont have the huge commute

My job is high paying but limited locations. I could find work nearer to home but it would probably mean a huge pay cut and then I dont know how I would pay my rent

I would also consider the withdrawing from you after disagreements a red flag. I'd look to let this one go OP, withdraw and verbal abuse are both big flags.