Is H using sex to try and control/punish me?

[FeckitFFS]

H & I both have high sex drives. We do have quite a volatile marriage. I believe H had narcissistic tendencies and he gaslights frequently. Until recently, whenever we have had a row we have always ended up kissing and making up with a marathon sex session.
I suffer from self esteem and depression issues. I let slip to H that when he rejects me in bed unless I know it's something genuine like he's tired after a full on day at work then it really affects my self esteem and how I feel about myself. Since I explained that to him, every time we have a row he had taken to refusing the kiss and make up side of reconciliation for a couple of weeks after the row. Usually the rows start because he doesn't listen to me, but I'm not allowed to point out that he isn't listening to a word I say. If I tell him to try listening to me or stand up for myself in any way, he says that apparently I'm pushing him away and he won't want to touch me for at least a couple of weeks.
He's using sex as a way of trying to get his own way and control me, isn't he?
Starting to wonder if I should be thinking about leave him.

You are staying in a relationship that hurts you. Why?

Womaninthedark I'm starting to wonder myself!

He sounds evil, jesus, you need to leave

Regardless of the new development, the initial cycle of volatile arguments and passionate make up sex was unhealthy.

You need to consider what you're gaining from this relationship as it isn't allowing you to thrive.

I really am thinking perhaps my marriage has run it's course. As Lolasmiles said, it's not a particularly healthy relationship. I've been putting up and shutting up for the benefit of our two DC but realises how he uses sex against me, I think I've just found the straw which broke the camels back.

To me that doesn’t sou d like a marriage, it sounds like a competition. It must be exhausting.

You showed him your vulnerability and he has used it against you. That is not the action of someone who loves you, or even likes you.

I had self esteem issues until like felt loved and accepted as I am. Before that everything was a big loaded situation to see if I was good enough ,or was I going to be rejected. It’s exhausting, and it’s really unhealthy.
You are lovable op. Chose happiness over drama.
X

@Ohyesiam that just brought tears to my eyes. Thank you. That's exactly how I feel and it is so good to feel like I'm not going mad. I'm going to have to have some very long discussions with H and work out where we go from here but I suspect the writing is on the wall x

My Husband did this all the time. If we disagreed or I annoyed him he wouldn’t speak to me for days. Would not even acknowledge my existence but would be charming and laughing with the kids. No affection at all.
After a few days he would message me something sexual. Nothing was discussed and no issues resolved. Just have sex and it was over and done with.
He left this weekend. Still messaged me every day. Won’t discuss anything unless it is something he wants or needs.
It’s difficult. I am struggling a lot. However, I am starting to adjust to a more peaceful atmosphere where I can relax and not worry anymore.

Yuk, dump his sorry arse now. It's never going to improve, because he thinks that heterosexual relationships are a competition which a man must win by any means necessary.

My exdh did this. It was agonizing. I agree with pp who says it sounds like a competition. My marriage was like that because my exdh had so many problems and issues that he just couldn't have an ordinary, peaceful and loving relationship. It had to be a constant horrific game that he basically used to hobble me and weaken me. This made him feel safe and strong.

In the end, after wr were finished, as a last ditch attempt to win me back, he admitted it to me, "I broke your legs so you wouldn't run away" it nearly killed me hearing that. So much pain and emotion wasted on a man who never put me first.

Dont be me, leave this guy. It's not meant to be like this.

I have a new dp now, almost 4 years together, when I tell him that hes hurt me or that I'm feeling vulnerable, he just works to fix it in any way he can or just let's me talk about it. You can have that too xx

Don't have long discussions with him! That's just giving him more ammunition. Cut yourself off starting now. Become non committal and keep plans to yourself.

No one who loves or respects someone would ever use their vulnerabilities to hurt them.

He sounds emotionally abusive. No amount of discussion will cure that. If he suggests joint counselling, do not agree to it, he will manipulate the session against you.

Of course, whilst preparing to extricate yourself, you could mention that it's remarkable how some women get out of crap sex/being pawed around simply by letting their husbands think that it upsets them to be denied it...

Yes, he is using sex as a weapon.
Worse, he is using it specifically because you confided in him just how painful that would be for you ... so he did it.

He is behaving like a psychopath.

He will mentally destroy you, there is no fixing him, you must save yourself.