Collywobbles about house purchase with DH

[nachosTrafficante]

Been together 12 years and I moved into his house. Married 9 years.

At the moment I feel like I could just pick up bag and go. I don’t want to but I could . Commitment issues.

So background is I want to move to a house with a garden from my DHs mortgage free house with no garden. Same town.

It’ll mean a mortgage that between us we should be able to pay off in 5 years.

We’re both early 50s.

Dh had a nervous breakdown 3 years ago, lost v high paid high profile job, severe depression....the works. He’s now in a new job but struggles with loss of status. lower (but still good) pay.

I Am in a job that I like but if I could retire (or more realistically change jobs) when the mortgage I’d paid off I would...

Dh’s grown up son has a life limiting illness, found out about 2 years ago, he will need support, financially and emotionally in the next 12 months. They are v close.

This is devastating and dh is dealing with it by not dealing with it. I’m not sure how he’s going to cope as time goes on.

I’m trying to work out whether we are being mad by getting a mortgage and new house in the circumstances. Is this my inbuilt commitment fear or just genuinely are we being daft even thinking about it.

I was the one pushing to move but I wonder if I was just trying to push a conversation about our future after 4 to 5 years of really challenging times.

It would depend on why you want to move. Are you moving because houses with gardens are 'better', and might somehow compensate for the lack of status elsewhere in your lives or do you think you or your family might make real use of it? Gardens can be a real pain and can quickly turn into a wilderness if you don't keep on top of them, but if you think you'd like to do gardening and can easily picture yourself sitting outside and enjoying it (maybe even helping everyone's mental health), than why not? 5 years is a tiny mortgage.

We all feel like packing a bag and leaving, from time to time, but unless your husband is not very nice, then the grass is probably not greener.

I love gardening, it clears my mind and is v good for my mental health. Our current tiny yard is full and I already have an allotment. Dh is happy with his house, it’s nice, and wouldn’t be moving if it wasn’t for me pushing.

But....the choices here are what he would see as a lower status house with a garden, which we could have got with no mortgage. Or ‘big house’ with garden and mortgage. So big house it is.