Splitting up from bf because dc can’t accept me having a bf him

[Teandcake]

Hi just hoping for some support. My dh died 2 years ago and moved out a year before that as he was an alcoholic. I met someone else and for the past year he’s been a massive support to me, patient and kind. We’ve taken it really slowly with my dc but we’ve come to the realisation this week that we’re not making any progress. Ds,19, is really happy I have someone else. DD ,15, doesn’t like me having a bf and also had problems with my dh and I spending any time together. DD,11, would like my bf if he was just a friend but really would only want me to be in a relationship with my dh. We’ve talked about keeping our relationship separate from the dc and only seeing each other when they aren’t around but it just feels like we’ll be leading separate lives. Has anyone else had experience like this and do I just have to accept that I have to put the dc first and be on my own for the next few years?

Right I'm really sorry you've ALL had a difficult time in recent years (and believe me I know how tough as my dads an alcoholic too)

BUT even when there ISN'T a bereavement involved ONE YEAR into you being with your boyfriend is really too soon to be expecting your kids to be happy to be sharing you with him when they are likely still dealing with the massive fallout from their fathers death!

At the very least yes keep your relationship with your boyfriend separate from your relationship with your kids THEY must absolutely be your priority.

Given their ages the older 2 in the last 2 years will also have been dealing with the stress of important exams.

Have they or you had any bereavement counselling? I really think you should pursue this if you haven't already.

Losing a parent for anyone is massive, losing one prematurely and to addiction is HUGE. You don't seem to really acknowledge that?

Prioritise your kids and your own recovery from the events of the last 3 years above any new boyfriend I say.

I agree it sounds like the kids just aren't ready. You don't need to break up, you are entitled to have a life separate from your children, but you do need to consider their feelings.

It was just too soon
Sorry

I’m in a slightly similar situation, although mine is more hypothetical. My husband suffered a brain haemorrhage 5 years ago, and passed away last year. My oldest, who has struggled with the whole situation as she was always Daddy’s Girl, half jokingly said to me I’m not allowed to have any relationships. Although I’m not ready yet, at some point she will need to accept that I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life - I’m 48. You do need to give your daughters time to adjust to life without their dad, 2 years is no time at all, and yes, your kids come first, but I wouldn’t necessarily split up with your BF, just continue to take it slowly, you do deserve happiness.

I really do understand how massive this trauma has been for the children and me. They’ve had massive mental health fallouts, and I’ve been on suicide watch for months and constant counselling trips. We’re moving house to give them a fresh start. They are my absolute top priority and I’ve given them everything but I can honestly say that if it hadn’t been for a friendly voice at the end of the phone I think I’d have had a nervous breakdown. I know this is the right thing to do now but I’m just scared really that it’s all going to get on top of me. I hate being lonely. It’s just good to hear from you all that it is the right thing to do.

You certainly don't have to give up your BF. It sounds as if he is lovely, just what you needed to help you through this difficult time.

Regarding your kids, their attitudes reflect their ages . The older one is fine with it, as I'd expect at 19. Your 15 yr old doesn't like the idea, but also didn't like you seeing DH so that sounds like what you'd expect from a 15 yr old, even without the trauma of her father's death. And DD11 just wants you to have a friend, which is very sweet of her really.

It just sounds as if they all need a bit more time to adjust to all the things which have changed in their lives over the last couple of years. You all need to care for yourselves and for each other, you poor loves.

Keep your BF but just keep it away from the girls for a bit longer . If he comes over to see you, keep it like "just friends" in front of the girls . You can have some nice dates without the kids being in the know - it sounds as if BF is a nice man and wouldn't want to push things along too quickly.

Best wishes to you and your family - you've had a tough time so just take one day at a time .

I'd have thought at their ages you can be out & about without sitters, so maybe just don't over-mention him. They don't need to know you're out "on a date". If you're off to the park for a walk & a coffee, it doesn't add anything to say with him. It might just give a bit more space. I can understand the support helping you, and understand the younger ones' anxiety. Just run it in parallel for a while. It doesn't have to be big family sunday lunches. In fact, nicer maybe for you for it just to be the 2 of you for a bit.

A walk and a coffee really isn't going to sustain a sexual romantic relationship, though, isn't?

No easy answers OP. It's easier building a new relationship when your kids are off with their dad. I imagine it's bloody hard getting nights away, especially with kids who are at 15 a bit old for babysitters. How much family support do you have?

You were on your own for two years before this new guy came along as your DH had been gone a year before he died.

I'm sure it must be a difficult adjustment for your children, as it's two years since the death of their father, but you are allowed to have your own life too and it's not as if we're talking six months down the road from him leaving you - it's now been three years.

While it's right that children take priority, you are also allowed some happiness and sometimes children just have to accept things. This isn't about him moving in, just you being more open about him being your boyfriend.

mrsbertbibby you're being a bit literal. If you're out and you want to be a bit discreet to let your children come to terms with a new b/f, you can just be "out". You can say you're at ikea and spend the afternoon in bed if you want. Point being you can find lots of time together without the need for a running commentary back home. By the way, OP, sounds like your new man is a much needed blessing in your life, so find a work around rather than finishing it would be my advice.

Hi Everyone, Thank you so much for your comments you’ve really helped. My bf and I just really don’t want to hurt the children but we’ve decided to keep going for now and just keep things separate . Hopefully one day when they’re ready we’ll be able to bring things a bit closer . Feeling much happier tonight 😊.