New Man - Have no clue what i’m Doing

[Rowan10]

I think I need someone to talk some sense into me so any gentle advice welcome.
I split up with my cheating husband of 20yrs about 3 years ago. Pretty hideous divorce and I haven’t wanted to date or anything since. He’s abandoned the teenage kids too so they’ve been my priority up till now. No where near brave enough to try OLD, feel very much past it at 47 !! So I really wasn’t looking for anything.
A few months ago by chance I started chatting to a man online. We hit it off, have met 5 times, kissing only, feels like there’s a spark ? He lives 90 miles away. We chat loads on WhatsApp throughout the day, both seem to be very open about stuff.
He’s currently going through an unpleasant divorce, and obviously preoccupied sometimes.
But it is feeling at the moment like he’s giving mixed signals. I’m not sure if I’m just so out of practice I’m overthinking it.
I know I really like him, and maybe that’s making me needy ?? I’m just scared of making an idiot of myself, so I back off at times too.
One day he’ll be very sweet, we sometimes speak on the phone all evening until the early hours. He’ll say lovely things all day and I do too. Then another day, he’s very abrupt and only send a couple of messages. I totally understand he’s going through stuff, and don’t want or need 100’s of messages every day. But it feels a bit like being on a see saw.
Example - last night we were arranging to meet up at the weekend. We had a real laugh and he tells me how much he likes me. Can’t wait to spk to me tomorrow etc. Then this morning he messaged hello, I replied and he hasn’t even read the message despite being on and off the app all day.
Am I being thick, needy or still not tough enough inside for all this stuff ?

[Rowan10]

Thanks Supercali, no I’m not into game playing at all but it looks as though it’s all academic now anyway.

Only a few messages last night as I was out with friends. But, probably a mistake on my part, I did say sometimes I felt a little confused by things but completely understood he was going through stuff. He replied normally.

So today ? Nothing. Zilch. Again he’s been on WhatsApp all day. I feel like such a moron. But my instinct tells me he’s talking to another woman by the regular nature of it.

Be proud !! I haven’t and won’t message again. I will never understand why people can’t just be honest. I would have completely got it.

I’m not feeling as bad as I thought I would, probably because I was guessing something wasn’t quite right already. I do however feel incredibly stupid and have learned a real lesson.

Right I’m off outside to build my new cattery.

[Rowan10]

Just a quick update. No contact since the other day, and I didn’t message - which I was weirdly proud of. (Yes I can still show some dignity apparently !!)
He finally rang me yesterday. His wife (who left 6 months ago for an OM) realised she’d made a mistake and wants to get back together with him. So that’s why he was online so much. His head is messed up obviously. I said he should spend his time talking to her, not me and that if this is what he wants (after 25 years of marriage) then don’t throw it away.
Strangely i’m Really happy. Both for him, if he gets what he wants, because he is a nice man. But also because it means I haven’t suddenly become a terrible judge of character or unhinged feeling suspicious for no reason.
Thank you everyone for the advice and definitely no more recently separated men (or probably any men !!) for me.

[Badolddays]

Oh well, the perils of going out with someone who is separated. It’s never simple for anyone. My divorce took three years!

At least alarm bells were going off so you can trust yourself if you meet someone in the future, which you sound more than ready to do.

[crimsonlake]

Rowan10, the perils of trying to date someone who is separated...a lesson learnt and not to be repeated. You sound lovely and have kept your dignity, well done and good luck.

[beenwhereyouare]

I feel a little sorry for the guy. Letting himself get sucked back in by someone who obviously doesn't truly love or respect him and will likely cheat again. He could have had such a nice relationship with you, Rowan. 💐

[Rowan10]

Thank you so much for the replies. They’ actually made me feel really emotional because it’s been such a battle coming back from the things my ex said to me after he left (now that really is a whole other thread!!). I’m only just accepting I’m an ok person again. Strangers saying I sound like a nice person means a lot . Maybe I am a needy old cow after all !!!

Ahhh I understand why he would take her back. I would have done with my ex, so much shared history, kids, security etc. But obviously i’m Glad now I didn’t get the chance !!

He messaged last night and said can we still talk sometimes, because he missed it and me. God so do I and that’s really shocked me tbh. I said that wasn’t a good idea, because even though he’d always been technically married, now it felt like he really was, and I wasn’t cool with chatting to married men. I wished him much love and happiness then deleted the App !! Regretted it for an hour or so, but it’s the right thing.

So much for my brief foray back into the dating world....

Thank you again x

[litterbird]

Well done for deleting the app. I will guarantee you that he would have returned to his wife (they will probably not work out), he would have drip fed contact with you as his back up girl and you will then find yourself in an Emotional Affair with a married man. You did the correct thing, well done. Don’t touch separated men again!!

[Rowan10]

Thanks Litterbird, you’re probably right.

Maybe I’m being naive but I actually think it’s because we had a genuine friendship first and foremost. He’s an unbelievably nice and decent guy. He’s totally confused at the moment as to what to do, pride and ego are complex things for a man and there’s no way I am getting in the middle of that. I don’t want to influence anything, I don’t have that right.

But yes, definitely lesson learned I promise.

[Rowan10]

Oh god, Sorry I’m back again !!
He rang me repeatedly until I gave in and picked up. Weak I know but there’s just something there.
Ok so he’s decided he can’t forget or forgive the ex wife and because of this she’s started being pretty vile again. The divorce is already in progress so it will just continue.

All sensible advice would be run for the hills I absolutely know that. It’s what I would probably say to anyone else. But stupidly I really like this man and I think he feels the same. I just can’t work out exactly how foolish i’m Being !!

[beenwhereyouare]

I've tried to reply twice and both times my tablet reset the page. So maybe my advice stinks, I don't know. 😄

I guess the most important thing is that you like him. It sounds as though he really likes you. Hopefully he's as honest as he seems and it's really over this time.

Still, if it were me, I hope I'd move very, very slowly. I'd like to think I'd focus on deepening the friendship and building a lot more trust before giving him the opportunity to hurt me again. You've been more than understanding of his situation. It's his turn to be understanding and give you time. And give himself time to make sure he doesn't change his mind again.

I hope things work out the way you want them to.

[firesong]

Hmm, it sounds weird to me. I think he got the idea you wanted a relationship and brought in the return of the wife in order to keep you as a friend and ego boost. Then when you rejected that idea (good for you!), he's bringing in the Exit of the Wife to keep you as back up / ego boost...

[Grumpelstilskin]

Nope, please don't do that to yourself. You are an ego boost and emotional crutch for him. He's not sorted out his split whatsoever, if that is even true. He does not sound a nice man anyway with his previous blowing hot and cold and the fact he virtually ghosted you when his wife apparently waltzed back into his life. That was actually really cruel of him. A decent and kind man would have told you the moment she did reappear. He sounds very wrapped up in himself. Please place your own worth higher than that.

[Badolddays]

Tell him to contact you after his divorce. By which time you might tell him where to go.

[litterbird]

Red Flags all over this, you mentioned the confusing hot and cold behaviours before. This is another example of it. He is NOT anywhere near ready to jump into another relationship. If he Regards you highly enough and you regard him highly enough, give him one year to sort the crap out and if you still want to be together then that’s fine. If you continue into a relationship you will be subject to enormous stress and crap whilst he goes through the divorce.

[Rowan10]

Thank you so much for the replies. I think most of the things you’ve said I’ve thought myself at some point !!
It’s good to hear and it’s put my feet back on the ground a bit which is no bad thing. But honestly yes I still do think he’s a very decent man, I think it’s the situation itself which is the problem. I guess I know myself what a bloody awful time this is with the divorce and what emotions and confusion it kicks up. That’s why (yes a bit hurt) I understood why he would seriously consider getting back with her.
I have said he’s got to be honest from now on because I can’t deal with anything else. And any more hot and cold is a deal breaker.
I suppose i’m trying to work out in my small head if this is just me being stupid. Because he’s the first man I’ve felt any attraction to for 3 years, and it feels quite real to me or whether I’ve completely over invested in a dud situation. I can’t really explain why it feels right in lots of ways but it does. God knows what kind of idiot this makes me !!
I think maybe I need to slow right down, and just concentrate on the friends part for now.
Thank you for the perspective ladies .

[Techway]

A few months ago by chance I started chatting to a man online. We hit it off, have met 5 times

I would be very cautious as you don't know him well enough to know if he is a good man and he is super keen to get into a relationship minutes after his marriage is ending.

I would always avoid a married man and "separated" is still married. Let him find someone else to be his crutch as you are just going to get sucked into the drama.

Also be very careful of a person who is taking no responsibility/shows no insight as to why his marriage ended.

[SidJamesLaugh]

Just be careful and see what happens. However, word of warning. Just because you tell a man to be totally honest, it doesn’t mean he will be!

[firesong]

Yep, def be careful. And if you notice a pattern of only being "after" you when he thinks you're leaving, you know you have either a hot and cold man or someone who just isn't ready.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Do what is right for you.
I really don't think he ready for a proper relationship so maybe just take it very slowly for a while and see how it goes.
Good luck OP!

[Rowan10]

Thank you so much ladies. You’re all absolutely right to inject me way bit of caution.

Sidjameslaugh - well that made me laugh !! Yes totally true but I guess it’s me saying what I’ll accept from now on ? Ex husband cheated a few times so hopefully I’ve got just about enough sense to not get caught out again.

Techway - again sensible advice and I understand what you’re saying. But truthfully neither of us was looking for anything so I don’t think he’s jumping into something but quite possibly it’s too soon for him. Tbh how we started chatting was about the ex’s and hard as it is when your partner cheats yes you have to look at yourself too, So I do think he’s doing that too. We’ve both been brutally honest about that kind of thing.

Firesong - thank you. Yes i’ve Definitely realised i’m Not up for any more confusion or doubting myself, no matter how difficult things might be for him at the moment, so if it happens again it’s not meant to be.

Hellsbellsmelons - sound advice, I think maybe we both got a bit over excited and slowing it down to snails pace is probably an excellent plan !! We’re meeting up Saturday and i’ve Sort of said it’s as friends mostly. I’ll eat garlic so i’m Not tempted to kiss him !!

Thank you again everyone, I feel like an idiot teenager who doesn’t understand the rules of all this nonsense these days, so I really appreciate the advice. Probably still worth checking out the local cats home !!