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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MOTHER IN LAW FUED

42 replies

Sarajandb · 11/09/2019 13:28

So everything was fine with my MIL until we announced we were getting married, everything changed then. I noticed it straight away he thought it was just me. Long story short it went form regular family meals and coming round bringing shopping and treats for our kids (my 2 boys his daughter so her granddaughter ) they were always treat the same at xmas and bday until this point. Anyways. it got worse and worse she stopped speaking to me had nothing to do with our wedding and didn’t even come round at xmas this point my husband realised there was a problem tried to have it out. My hen party came and it was a disaster she ruined it sat slagging me off and we ended up having words. His parents are wealthy and had no input or contribution to the wedding. Wedding day come she was snipping through the speeches and didn’t speak to me once at all. Then she ruined it at the end kicking off she hurt my son storming though a door and screamed at him. that was my final straw. After the wedding she messaged him disowning him and threatening to take his child from him.. called me every name under the son and shared my most private secrets about my children (which ill not disclose ) to his ex mother of his child who told everyone ! the ultimate betrayal as I didn’t even know my husband has shared this info with his mum ! as well the wedding we didn’t even get a bottle of prosecco as a gift nothing not a thing and when I say they aren’t short trust me there aren’t short. never thanked us or congratulated us nothing in fact moaned she wasn’t in the thank you speeches and loads more. its not about money or gifts it was the hurt and betrayal and unwilling to help her only son on his wedding or future.
So after all this me and his mum havnt spoken and it escalated with her screaming drunk down the phone saying the vilest things to me wishing me dead and threatening my husband her son she would take his child from him pay for his ex to fight him in court and all sort of unforgivable. proceeded to take the ex out for lunch and do all sorts of stuff anyways.
He has since made up with his mum and I cant accept it… not only this my son had his birthday recently and she didn’t even get him a card but his daughter got a new bike now I get that I don’t want her near my kiods now from what she idd but I don’t think its fair the kids should suffer they don’t understand why he didn’t get a bday card or wishes and she did.
Turns out my husband has bene going for tea with his mum in secret.
I cant accept it … and I don’t know what to do.. will this ultimately end our marriage. it seems his loyalties aren’t with us.. I know his mum is his mum, but I just cannot see past what she’s done. The betrayal and ruining my big day and hen I cant get back and can’t be fixed.. I've got opinions from family and friends but they will obv be on my side I just want to hear an outsiders opinion on what I should or could do and if I have to learn to accept it or is my husband out of order ?

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 12/09/2019 09:53

In your shoes, I'd be ending the marriage. Your husband doesn't have your back. There is no way in hell I would have any relationship with my mother if she treated my wife like you've been treated. None at all.

He's chosen her over you. You're not his priority,

It's not just about her behaviour but about his. I'm really sorry but I don't see how you can possibly stay with him.

bluebell34567 · 12/09/2019 09:55

the agreement with your dh seems reasonable, i hope he will be able to keep it.
you sound quite full. you need to step away from all this. try to do cbt something or keep busy with something. otherwise it can make you ill.
of course it is very hard to deal with such stuff. the huge responsibility falls on your dp. he will have to have very good, strong boundaries keeping you in peace.

bluebell34567 · 12/09/2019 09:56

boundaries with them..

DowntonCrabby · 12/09/2019 10:00

Your DH has completely betrayed you. The secrets sound serious enough that they should never have been shared with his Mother.

She sounds fucking bat shit and I’d be maintaining NC for you and your boys. Seriously re-think your marriage though. He seems to be showing where his loyalties lie.

Original poster

Sarajandb · 12/09/2019 10:40

OK so the secret revealed is this. My 2 boys. My oldest son has special needs and disabilities which are not known to look at him despite that not been a secret it want her business to disclose with his ex except that wasn’t the worst… my oldest son biologically has a different dad to his brother but doesn’t know well he does now I had to tell him !!! hes 10.. My youngest son’s dad I met when he was 3 weeks old. hes biological father is a wrong one who beat me when pregnant currently serving time for beating another woman up ! only mine and dads closest immediate family new he wasn’t biologically his. friends, cousins, aunts none new! and my MIL was told and passed the info onto my husbands ex who told everyone ! this I cannot forgive ! I had to sit my 9 year old at the time special needs son down and explain to him and then have the difficult conversation with his dad that I had to tell his boy that he wasn’t his real dad as you can imagine I cant get over it. shes not sorry never apologised nothing and the shock when the ex-text giving abuse about it ! I didn’t even no his mum new !!

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 12/09/2019 10:50

Why did you need to tell us all this secret? It's irrelevant. Doesn't matter what the secret is and we sure as heck don't need to know.

Your husband is an arse.

Your mother in law is a cow.

Get rid of both and have a happier life.

loobywench · 12/09/2019 10:59

Was he married to the mother of his child? Just wondering why she didn't get the same treatment as you if you think it's jealousy of you getting married?

Original poster

Sarajandb · 12/09/2019 10:59

it just seemed necessary to get the correct responses from the full story and lets face it its not a secret anymore :-(

I'm thinking that maybe it might end that way if this new compromises doesn't work :-( but its embarrassing giving up on your marriage so soon and like letting her win..

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarajandb · 12/09/2019 11:03

no he wasn't married to her.. and shes very pally with the ex simply for the child that and the ex is beneath her so she has the moral high ground with her sor to speak. i think shes threatened by me i have a better career and never wanted a hand out from her never needed her help and he doenst need his mum now where as the ex is a bit of a scroat will take take take claim poverty for hand outs but her main priority is her social life. i think she likes to feel needed and doesn't get that with me. i think it makes her feel of importance of need and i make her feel the opposite maybe.

OP posts:

bluebell34567 · 12/09/2019 11:20

letting her win is not important. the happiness of your kids and you is important.

bluebell34567 · 12/09/2019 11:21

they sound toxic, best to stay away.

elizalovelace · 12/09/2019 11:46

I would not be able to get past the fact that your DH betrayed you going behind your back to his mum. You should have been his priority, not his DM.

You may have 'the family name' and had a wedding but all of that is absolutely nothing if your 'D'H doesn't have your back.

Be prepared for worse to come if you stay in this marriage.

ShatnersWig · 12/09/2019 15:26

its embarrassing giving up on your marriage so soon and like letting her win

Sorry, but this marriage is dead in the water. It's not a question of you giving up but him giving up.

You seem to be very much laying all the blame at her. You're not married to her, you're married to her son and he is prioritising her over you and not having your back at all. Both are at fault, but the one who has killed your marriage is him, not you.

MsDogLady · 12/09/2019 16:35

Your focus should on your husband, who is being extremely disloyal to you and your sons. He disclosed the private information about your children to FIL. He is betraying and undermining you by rewarding abusive MIL with his presence.

I would move on. You and your boys deserve better.

1forAll74 · 12/09/2019 17:33

I always think that these kind of horrible family situations, can try to be sorted out, with some discussions between people. But sometimes,it never works,if certain people just won't get to grips with anything.

I had some family members years ago,who were out and out rude,and horrible about certain situations family wise. They alienated some family members,would not back down on their oddball ways,, but now they are all dead and gone. Too sad to think about now !

mrssoap · 12/09/2019 17:44

I had something similar with my ex husband, his mum was vile to me. He made up with her and expected me to forgive and forget. She didn't even come to our wedding!!! Anyway it was definitely one of the reasons our marriage ended.

AMAM8916 · 12/09/2019 23:18

As soon as you said your mil and fil are not married, it all made sense. She is jealous! She is jealous that there was a wedding and it wasn't hers.

This is when you see people at their ugliest, when you are doing something they want.

I think your husband needs to take your side here as she was totally in the wrong and by going back and making up with her, he's saying it's ok for her to act this way!

I don't speak to my dad and haven't for 2 months now after he started acting disgustingly, threatening me and being a total arse. I will keep that up for the rest of my life if I have to as his behaviour was unforgivable. Yet I'm never one to hold a grudge but I will hold this one as you do not treat your children like that. Your husband needs to learn that his mother is not a great person and treat her accordingly

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