My OH on 'hook up'/swinging site

[windyermummyup]

I've been with my OH for 6 years, we have a great life together with our family of three children (8 (he is a brilliant step dad to my eldest) 2 and 11mo) ... or so I thought.

Our third child has been quite difficult - a difficult pregnancy, a traumatic birth and a generally grumpy baby. I'm breastfeeding anf co sleeping and that has impacted our ability to do things as a couple such as date nights etc. On top of that I'm feeling pretty low about my body after three babies - I'm currently sat around 2 stone heavier than I would like to be and feel disgusting all the time.

On New Year's Eve my eldest was playing with my OHs phone (which is rare as it's normally tucked away) and he found some provocative videos on there (thankfully he didn't realise it was a lap dance). Already feeling pretty shit about my post partum body I was horrified and hurt that my OH was seeking out and saving these videos when I was recovering and caring for our children. He apologised, claimed it just happened to save after some sort of cookie from you tube and insisted 'he would never hurt me'. I didn't believe his story but we agreed to put it behind us.

A few months ago I found out he had a profile on fabswingers.com - I saw the message he received after paying to be a site supporter - he insisted that he'd only just set it up, as a couple profile, just up see what it was like and then deleted the profile once he realised how weird it was. He wanted to prove to me that all he wanted was me and our family and would make his mistake up to me. Saying 'he would never hurt me'. I can't help that think the couple story is rubbish and he's set it up as a solo male for the sole purpose of no strings attached sex.

This proving it to me has in fact been no action on his part - we're back to 'normal'. Except for his new 6 digit password for his phone which came with a new software release apparently (I didn't even know the last one I saw the message on his smart watch).

We're still together. He's in the next room snoring while I'm holding our baby who is poorly tonight ... and I'm quietly getting engulfed in rage. I feel miserable a lot of the time. Family time is great - we always do brilliant stuff and have a great time. But in the quiet times I get so angry and I realise that I don't trust him at all.

I feel betrayed, hurt, rejected and most of all an idiot.
What would you do?

Say he's telling the truth and he signed up for you both as a couple, would you even be happy with that? Your husband signing you up totally unaware to swing with other couples? 😮

It's likely a total lie but even his excuse is bad. You're only 11 months post birth, a traumatic one at that. Can he really not cope with minimal sex for 11 months? Well you say new year so your baby must have been even younger then! Obviously a good sex life is important but everyone is an adult and can surely keep it in their pants and make allowances for when their partner isn't really 'feeling' it? It's not like you've put him through years of no sex and rejection to the point he is desperate!

Such a sad world and sad for you. What do you think you will do now?

A good tip is if you think anyone may be using a burner phone is an app called network analyser pro on your own phone or iPad. You can see exactly what devices are connected to your network at any time , even if they’ve got it on silent etc. If they use a burner phone that’s the same brand as all other devices then it takes a little bit of time to work out which device is which (you do this via the MAC code) however if everything else in your house is say Apple and something pops up saying say ‘Nokia or HTC ‘ etc, and you don’t have a guest in the house, it’s likely there’s a device you don’t know about. Yes it’s sad that I know about stuff like this, but there you have it. Might be useful for someone.

A few months ago I found out he had a profile on fabswingers.com

At that point he should have been kicked to the kerb.
Waste no further time on him.

He apologised, claimed it just happened to save after some sort of cookie from you tube

Cookies don't download, they "talk" to each other and their home database about what websites your profile has visited and when.

He's tring to bamboozle you with nonsey tech speak.

Is he in IT?

He's cheating, obviously, you need to leave.

Nothing will download itself on YouTube the way he's trying to tell you - but I think you know this @windyermummyup

So he's been caught, basically said "I would never do anything to hurt you let me make it up to you" which supposedly placated you and then he promptly proceeded to set a PIN on his phone so you cannot access it and carry on as normal.

No software update creates and automatic PIN safety feature. You choose to have it on your phone by going through your settings and setting it up yourself.

But I think you know that as well.

It sounds like you probably told yourself you bought the bullshit he's told you because you fear the potential fallout of getting to the bottom of what he's actually been doing.

I hope you manage to come to a resolution you're ok with

Tell him as part of trust he has to unprotect his passcode or give you it because at the moment the trust is broken , that way he will either stop it , or get a burner phone at which point you know he’s up to no good. Personally the joining fabswingers would be enough for me to know he’s an arse, sadly one that comes in a nice family man cloak

I’m so sorry you feel like this op, it’s not a nice feeling and it will not help you recover your self esteem. When I found my partner on a hook up site (it was a tab on his iPad he hadn’t closed) along with a few selfies on his pad taken around a month before he completely denied it and said he had signed his mate up to it not him.
I lost all trust and it hasn’t come back. He’s being open with his passcode and phone because he probably has another one tucked away somewhere.
Once again my partner came home obliterated after a night out, when I woke up in the morning there was his iPhone and a cheap phone I had never seen before on the bedside table, I went to make tea and when I came back upstairs it had gone and he was pretending to be asleep. I have been saving the last couple of months and aim to leave by Christmas. It’s no way to live.
I can guarantee that your self esteem will not get better whilst you stay with him, in my opinion the relationship is over once trust has been broken.

Lies and gaslighting, sorry OP. You don't deserve this. Use your rage as constructively as you can. Confronting him again is unlikely to bring any more clarity, so I'd be making some clear decisions about where you want to go from here.

He is trying to bamboozle you with technology lies.

The cookie thing is rubbish. He is assuming you will not know otherwise. Basically playing you for a fool, sadly.

This is who he is. He may or may not be into swinging, but he is certainly into sleeping with others behind your back. And paying for membership... nobody does that unless they plan to use the site for its intended purpose. Sex with randoms.

You know enough to know he is a liar, a cheat, and hopes you are an idiot that swallows his lies.

Start making preparations to get yourself and your children away from him. This is not the sort of man I would want to be around my family. And get tested for STDs if you have still been sleeping with him. Chlamydia can be passed on by oral sex and can make you infertile and may have zero symptoms... not to mention all the other horrible diseases.

I found my ex looking for swinger and sex clubs in Dublin. I had flown home, we had had a big row before I left, but we sorted it out. Once I was back in England, he made several searches and one was a 20 minute walk from where he worked. He had checked their website and looked at the map for directions. He denied it was him and never, ever gave me an explanation. I also had the accidental clicking on something rubbish, even though he knew one of my job is working in IT.

I think your marriage is over. It would be for me. I couldn't be intimate with someone who was behaving like this behind my back and possibly bringing diseases into my home.

ps the taking loads of selfies is another giveaway. The ex had taken LOADS.. from every angle, trying to make his face look as appealing as possible. I asked him what they were for and he looked at me blankly. LOL. Most people don't have zillions of selfies on their phone for no good reason.

He apologised, claimed it just happened to save after some sort of cookie from you tube

This is soooooo bad, to say this bollocks. Cookie from YouTube? Since when has YouTube had anything to do with swinger sites?? Good grief, he can't even lie well!!

My god he really believes you are a right gullible girl. More front than Blackpool that man.

It's horrible when you realise someone is brilliant at lying. Worse when you only realise after they spout the most outrageous nonsense and expect you to go along with it like always. You end up questioning your entire existence.

I'm going through something very similar at the moment. He left his google account logged into MY iPad and I found all sorts of sites he'd been on and/or signed up to.

The thing is, I've discovered stuff like this before and he gave me all the promises in the world. "I'm so sorry, I was just looking, I was just curious, I only want you, I'll be totally open and honest from now on" blah blah fucking blah. Then last week I discovered more, he has clearly being doing it for our ENTIRE 8 year relationship. We have been married 4 years and have 3 kids. I have been a near perfect wife, it still didn't stop him

You will never be able to totally trust him again. Is that really what you want for your life? It is totally over this time for us, if I was you i would get rid now!! He'll only carry on doing it and it might take you a couple more years to discover it all again. At the end of the day, shit like that is so easy to hide. He'll have a separate email account and will just delete things as soon as he's finished using them.

We're on fabswingers (and meet single guys) - the percentage of the "single" guys that are actually married cheating shits is probably about 85%. I always make sure I'm not meeeting a married one. But a fair number of people don't care. Said all that to say this: if he is on there, he probably isn't quitting - not with his new "password protected software" (you can tell him you know that's such complete bullshit - no software forces you to keep a password on your phone)

I feel sorry for you OP - you don't deserve this, but neither must you continue to stand for it. I am sure you are brokenhearted and exhausted. Believe me though, you are only extending the period of your misery by not kicking his arse to the kerb - the passsword and gaslighting is pretty damning evidence that he's up to no good.

Thanks everyone - you've confirmed my feelings about it all. He's a serial liar who can't be trusted.

It's just so difficult when there are kids and when you've been totally blindsided.

@windyermummyup I know this is a few months old now but how are you doing?