Feel as if my job doesn't count

[themuttsnutts]

I work around 30 hours in 'just a job to pay the bills.' I do this to fit around my family commitments. DH works around 50 hours (10 -12 is overtime so this is a choice).

I do all the home admin, the bulk of the housework and cooking and running around for the kids. Dh will shop, do the garden and diy. Sometimes he does the washing, too. Most of the time, I'm around at the times these things need doing so fair enough

But, if I ask him to pitch in with anything he moans or if I don't get time to do something , he moans that I haven't done it. He also rings in the day to say 'can you just do....' but, on the days he's home when I am not, I never do this unless urgent.

I honestly feel things would be more equal if I were full time but my earning power is low now.

I also don't feel my contemporaries (apart from work mates) or wider family realise how busy I am but I feel I never stop without the benefits of decent pay, status etc

What does he say when you talk to him about changing things?

You need to discuss whether you have equal leisure time...

Is the problem the lack of leisure time or the local of equal respect and boredom in your job? Yes leisure time should be equal, but is it more than that, the job for paying the bills was ok for a while when dc small but a new challenge is needed?

@GOODCAT he will change for a day or 2 but then it's back to square 1. I'm actually working on changing my behaviour by expecting a bit more input as he lives here and I'm not a single parent.

@Randommess, I honestly don't know. I work shifts , including a couple of days, 2 late nights and one day at the weekend. I do get a bit of time while the kids are in school but most of that is spent catching up or popping in to check on my elderly mum. I feel guilty when I sit around and this is partly dh's doing. Sometimes I need to grab an hour or so's sleep if it's been a really late shift.

@breconoptimist. Yes, definitely the case. My youngest is still at primary, though, and my mum's health is not great. I have a sister but she works full time. I can't say when would be a good time to make the change as the thought totally stresses me out which isn't good sign

30 hours a week is a lot by itself though - it’s a long amount of time to be in a just a job sort of job. I’d start mulling it over and talking to your dh about stepping up a bit so you can gear up for doing something you find more rewarding. Caring for your mum as well, no wonder you’re feeling the strain.

We’ve just gone through this. I have a great job I love. I manage 2 practices on opposite sides of the country (Australia). It’s busy, full on and fulfilling.

I work in an extremely family friendly environment. I work 10-4 four days a week and a day from home.

I also have 10 clients I am solely responsible for as well as 5 staff members.

My partner seemed to place little value. He works fly in and out and earns significantly more than me and seemed to place no value on what I do.

Lost my shit entirely. He was pissy on me doing work at home etc. He’s away 2 weeks on 1 week off. So for 2 weeks I manage home, work, 4 year old etc. He assumed I’d be happier working in retail so I didn’t “bring my work home on his time”

Fuck along. I like what I do. I’m fuckimg good at it and I absolutely support his work choices. I don’t like the FIFO lifestyle, but he wanted to do it.

Let’s just say my working hours are never mentioned.

Good luck!

It sounds as though you need to work out what you want to do work wise going forward and how you want to see everything split at home.

It sounds as though it won't be easy to make changes given your mum as well. However, it may be that you need or want more training for the job you want that is more than just a job. I don't necessarily mean in an economic sense but one you get satisfaction from. You could plan that out and carve out the time you need for that and get him on side to pick up the slack. You need to prioritise your future career, even if work is the last thing that you feel you can think about while juggling everything else. In the same way that he is by working overtime.

You might agree that he will take on particular tasks and then you don't do them for him.

Ultimately though it sounds as though he (and you) need to respect what you are doing. You need to feel that what you are doing is important and more important than what you think everyone else considers to be your approved role.

Sometimes it can help to channel your inner kid. We once had some friends to stay their youngest daughter was adamant that she wanted to go swimming before she went home. She got her way as she wanted this more than anyone else around her wanted to do their thing. It was a good lesson to me that sometimes sheer desire to fit something in that matters to you will actually persuade the rest of the family to go along with it.

After that I made a conscious effort to do things I wanted even if it wasn't completely convenient for everyone else and I get more respect for doing that than by self restricting and fitting around everyone else too much.

Sorry I may be way off the mark here, but this helped me to make changes and shake things up. Nowadays I have got better at talking about what I want with the assumption that I / we can do it and will do it and that others will not only not stand in my way but even help me. I lacked confidence before and I liked helping everyone, but I lost something of me and wasn't great at assuming I would get help from those around me.

agree with goodcat about finding some time to be selfish and do what you want being uplifting AND a good example to everyone. Even if it's as simple as saying between 9pm and 10pm I'm in the bath reading, bother me on pain of death. It's ok not to be available all the time to everyone, nobody will tell you to take a break, I've found you just have to do it.

Thank you both. That's very useful advice (and I'm glad I didn't go into AIBU). I do need to do something more fulfilling but definitely not high stress