Why am I only into men who

[Em890]

Don't need nor want me. I'm recently dating someone who regularly tells me how much he likes me and seems really interested but it just seems to be putting me off.

This has happened to pretty much everyone that's showed a genuine interest in me. The only men I recall to have been very attracted to are the ones who I've eventually found out had girlfriends and so unavailavle, or those who have been very emotionally unavailable and unstable.

It's so frustrating because everytime I'm in a dysfunctional relationship I long for someone who's genuinly into me, but when I get it, I seem to go off the person and can't make sense of why? 😭

I’d suggest some form of talking therapy / counselling as it’s anyones guess why.

However for me, I used to experience very similar. It was lack of self love and belief. All the time I knew deep down they weren’t ‘the one’ and we’re treating me badly it reaffirmed my belief of not being good enough to deserve a decent partner and was safe. However when I tried dating nice guys they were a turn off as I was so used to being treated badly.

I took a massive break from dating and worked on myself. Best thing I’ve ever done

Good advice from LuluBellaBlue. I was like you, Em, when I was young. I went for 'bad boys' but at the same time, wanted a decent bloke. When I had a 'decent bloke' I felt hemmed in and depressed. I often felt I wasn't good enough but at the same time, longed to be free to have a bit of risky excitement.

Eventually I grew up and married a Mr Nice Guy :-) but still felt the same sometimes, fantasised a lot. However my husband was lovely, he persevered; married forty three years and nine months.

Avoidant attachment. Have a look at it on line, see if it rings any bells.

Look up attachment styles as pp said, I don’t know a lot about it but I think it’s seeking out similar attachments we had from our parents and repeating them to subconsciously ‘fix’ it.

What’s your background like in terms of male role models? Relationship with your father, your view of the relationship between your parents etc?

My father has been mainly absent and id say my mother has been fairly emotionally absent, perhaps it links in with this then?

Definitely look up avoidant attachment.

43 years....and 9 months....jeez!

Yup. He died not long ago, quite suddenly. There's a big hole in my life now.

Rachel

Em890
Relationships actually mould the brain. Your brain is moulded to seek people who aren't available to you. As soon as they are, it doesn't know what to do about it. (Very simplistic explanation).

You can change it, but only with effort. It won't happen on its own just because 'the right one' comes along.

If you've spent your life chasing people for affection (parents usually), it's natural that it becomes part of the way you think and you believe it's only healthy to be with someone that you have to chase. Anyone that comes along and you don't have to chase, your mind is like 'what the hell? This isn't normal or exciting'.

You need to retrain your brain. Usually therapy is the only way to do this. That or meeting someone that is in to you, riding it out and retraining your brain that way