Marriage failing. I don't know what to do.

[Hoolajerry]

DH and I have been married for 13 years, together for 22. Our relationship is currently in crisis and I don't know what to do. I find myself cross and angry with him all the time. This stems from the fact that he is incapable of doing any thinking about our life and I shoulder that burden.

We have 4 DC and our lives are very busy. I work part-time and he works full-time as the primary wage earner. I do every domestic task. He will absolutely do everything that is asked of him but he would never initiate it. He also forgets things which I consider just the basics. He worked from home today and forgot to pick our primary aged children up (was half an hour late in the end). For me it is the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't feel I can trust him to do anything - if he's taking the kids to an activity I will have to remind him to take their subs, drink, snacks, waterproof etc. This morning I told him 4 times that our DD needed PE kit because I just don't think he'll remember. He would never think to offer to cook a meal or prepare lunch. He never initiates taking our dogs for a walk if we are going to be out for the day. It always falls to me.

When I raise this with him his stock answer is that there is nothing he can do about it now and it doesn't help me being cross with him. He says he doesn't feel he can talk to me about negative things (ie I forgot the kids) because I'll just be angry and that doesn't help. He is a very kind and loving man and he has always been very laid back compared to my slightly hyperactive nature.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to live like this anymore. I feel like I have lost respect for him but I don't know how to fix it. How do we repair this?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What is the point of him?.

He has to want to repair it as well (you cannot do this on your own) and it seems like he is not all that bothered. He seems so laid back here he's horizontal. Does he see the mental load as yours really to carry alone; does he see what you do as primarily "womens work"?.

Who organises the family holiday; is that down to you as well?.

Do you think he is just completely focussed on what matters to him; i.e. his own work and that alone?. I would think he is far more focussed at work because if he was not he would likely be out on his ear. He is showing you that he does not really respect nor care about you isn't he?

I would read this article www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Can he help it? My dh and sometimes myself are forgetful and we have to make lists and consciously be more organised. Is he generally prone to forgetting to eat meals or forgetting events?

The solution if it’s not just careless and deliberate as he thinks it’s really your job is for him to set himself up tools to cope - electronic reminders, alarms, foolproof diary, kit lists.

There are plenty of tools to help poor organisers and poor timekeepers, but I don’t know how you can regain a loss of respect.

Is he really laid back? I’ve spent my life being shouted at for forgetting things or not picking up on clues that something was needed and it’s partly a defence mechanism when you know someone is angry.

It could be that he struggles to keep his job going with the scheduling and organising deficits he seems to have, just because he appears to cope at work doesn’t mean he’s deliberately not prioritising you or the dc, he may be using up his ability to cope there.

My dh is always mucking up his diary if he agrees to something and doesn’t think carefully about the implications. Lots of people our age didn’t get diagnosed as we may have these days.

On the PE kit - why not have a central point to check for items needed per day of the week so you don’t have to keep reminding him? You’d feel less angry if there were better tools in place than you getting at him.

Does he remember his own stuff? Things that are important to him and only he cares about? If so I think that indicates an ability to do it, he just makes no effort to remember things for everyone else and things that he is not solely responsible for. Which would suggest he is very lazy in hisnthoight processes, and that he is capable. I have an appalling memory. Absolutely awful. So if I have things to do the following day I take a minute to visualise my day and run through it in my head. It's hard to explain but if DH asks me to pick something up on the way home I stop a moment and really bank it. I imagine myself coming home via the route I would need to, stopping at the place in question, imagine getting it and consider what my new arrival home time might be. It sounds weird but it does help me.

Maybe you could get him, in the early stages, to repeat back the days expectations to you - "so what are you doing today?" "I'm working from home, I will have my lunch at midday, I will stop work at 3pm and collect the children, return home and get their swimming things together so they are ready to leave at 4". Or write stuff down.

You absolutely shouldn't have to, and shouldn't have to carry the load like this, or test him like a child, but just trying to think of ways to help him improve.

If you give him a daily list of jobs, does he do them? If he does then he is just being forgetful. If he doesn't then he blatantly doesn't want to do them/care enough to be bothered. I think his reaction to a job list may affect where you go with this.