My head is so dysfunctional.

[kirsty1323]

I've been going back and forth wondering whether to write this or not as I really don't want a 'serves you right' comment.

My OH and I have been together for 5 years, we have a 2 year old daughter together, we're engaged and we've just bought a house together. We met at work, he was there a few years before I was, but he was in a relationship of 4 years with a woman when we met. I really didn't want to be the other woman, but I was.
I've always had trust issues, my mum who I was the closest person to when I was growing up, had an affair and left my dad and I when I was only 11. This traumatised me and I've had counselling numerous times growing up.
My OH and I are currently living with his parents so we can get the house ready for us to live in (it needs a lot doing to it). We've been at his mum and dads for nearly 2 years now and hopefully not much longer left. It's been tough, we have no space to ourselves for a start.
But back to why I'm writing this - I've got myself in an absolute state, because my OH told me there's a new woman started at his work, he's in management and she wants to be in management too. That's it. But my anxiety is overruling everything sensible in my head, like 'they're going to get together', 'he won't want you anymore'. I've always had anxiety and currently take tablets for it, but I've never felt like this before. I know he would never cheat on me, I do. I feel like a looney at the moment for no reason other than I'm clearly lacking a lot of confidence.
Please be gentle.

But he’s cheated before ( when he met you ) so why would he not cheat on you too ?
You can’t stop him though if that’s his intention. You can only control your response to it and what to do if he does cheat . That’s what I would be thinking about .

I think this is the danger when you get together with someone who was already with someone else. There's always that doubt that since they cheated to be with you, they will be happy to cheat on you as well.

I find it quite surprising that your experiences of adultery damaged you enough to develop anxiety, trauma and require lots of counselling, but you were ok to be part of cheating as the OW with your current partner.

Maybe your current anxiety is to do with that? Have you processed the fact that you have now caused so much pain to another person because you were the OW? Have you ever thought about things from that POV?

Oh dear, I'd say that this is your own guilt and childhood anxiety about your mother's adultery playing on your mind.

However, the fact is both you and your DH have cheated and probably caused a lot of hurt to his ex. It is not surprising you are feeling this way. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to control/stop your DH in cheating again at all. You say he would never cheat on you...sorry, but once a cheat they know they can do it again. If I were you, I'd seek counselling and have an honest conversation with your DH on how you are feeling, not in a warning or controlling way, but an open heart to heart. I'd be asking him how he felt about the ending of his relationship with his ex and how you feel about it. I know it is so many years on, but things like this do take their toll eventually.

Also, OP, there is a very high percentage that there is totally NOTHING going on with this new woman at work unless your DH is giving off other red flags.

I really feel for you.

You have made a big mistake which has triggered all your trauma - it's the very last mistake you should have made but, as is so often the case with things like this, it was the very thing you did: the worst thing for you and your mental health.

I think you need to go back for more counselling. Do you have a faith? Pray for healing if so. I hope you get release op

No you don't know he would never cheat on you. No one knows that.

Well, you started a relationship with a man you know is capable of lies and deceit.......