feeling unloved but am I unreasonable

[Worrywart21]

I’m just back from a weekend away with my fiancé. We were visiting a city where he often works for his colleagues wedding. He’s worked in this city about 4-5 times a year for 2-3 weeks at a time. He’s In a well paid job and it affords for me to stay home with our 2 kids.

We’ve been together for 11 years, I’m 29 and he’s 30. We got together at university and I fell pregnant quite quickly (not planned). He focused on his job and has since done very well. He puts so much effort into his job, works round the clock and travels whenever and where ever. He moved away to pursue his career and I finished university and looked after our child. I then moved with him and got a good job. Then we moved back home and we had another child and that’s when I stopped working.

I’ve always been aware that whilst working in this city he has worked hard and partied hard. He’s made friends with his colleagues who are mostly childless and they all regularly drink alcohol after work and takes drugs.

I’ve became more uneasy when he travels over there after finding out his colleagues visit strippers and pay for sex whilst over there (& they’re married). I don’t think he has ever done this however but still I feel a bit unhappy when he’s over there.

He convinced me to come over for the wedding to put my mind at rest. So we got a babysitter and I really looked forward to it.

When we arrived we went for a lovely dinner, fancy restaurant and it was nice. I looked forward to going for a drink in a pub then home ready for the wedding.

During our meal he was texting his colleagues arranging to meet up with them. He said it would help to break the ice before the wedding. I said I wasn’t keen to stay out late as we had a long day the next day but was happy to go and meet them for 1. He made us walk about 20 minutes to get to this pub his colleagues were in. It was raining and I was in heels and just wanted to go back to the hotel.

He wouldn’t listen and convinced me to keep walking. When we got to the pub I was just basically left whilst he got drinks and wouldn’t leave. We got back to the hotel at 2am and he fell straight asleep. I had to shower and put fake tan on for the wedding so it was so late by the tome I was sleeping.

The next day we go to the wedding and he’s absolutely pissed by 4pm. He started to sober up but all his colleagues were taking cocaine and he was too. I felt pressure to stay out and they offered me the drugs but I said no. I’m not against them just don’t take them myself although have done when I was younger.

We went to a club but I was getting tired so went home at 4am. When we got to the hotel he poured another drink but I fell asleep. I thought this was strange as we were going to bed. When I woke up at 6:30am he was no where to be seen. He had went back out with his colleagues to their hotel room to take drugs. I feel like he knew he was going to do this and was just waiting on me falling asleep to sneak out although he says this isn’t the case and he went out to their room to drop their money off which he had. And ended up staying there.

I felt upset and honestly just like I was a spare part and that he didn’t really care about spending time with me. I knew this party lifestyle existed but thought he’d make an effort for me.

This is probably irrelevant but so many people came up to me in the wedding telling me I was so beautiful and someone actually asked why i was with him as physically we are apparently not a good match and I’m out of his league. He never says these things to me ever.

He’s stayed over there for work and I’m back home with the kids. He’ll be out most nights after work drinking and I won’t really hear from him.

Someone over there said to me that I’m too hard on him and I should give him a break. I think it’s because I text him too much In their opinion when he’s out having a good time. I genuinely feel like I’m easy going but maybe feeling a little insecure so may come across as controlling or jealous.

I’m back home and struggling to feel focused on our kids. It seems like I’m the only one who cares. He lives such a different life when he’s away and I can’t relate. Although all of his colleagues do it and I’m not sure if I’m just boring?

I keep crying now I’m home and I’m not sure why. I think I feel unloved. I don’t think he has ever cheated over there despite what his colleagues do. I do trust him I’m just not feeling enough for him. He seems to be wanting more than family life can offer him.

Although I’m not sure if it’s normal. The people in the industry he works with seem to all be similar but I seem to be more content with family life. After I had my first child I felt complete, wanted that to be my focus and didn’t feel the need to party anymore like we used to.

When he’s home he spends his free time with us and seems happy so I’m not sure what to think. He works from home but does work all hours and I still do 80% of all childcare when he’s home.

It sounds as if you have seen a side to your husband that you did not expect. And one you don't like. I don't blame you. I personally loathe cocaine and what it does to people, I loathe the entire chain of supply and demand and the whole horrid industry.

My ex was doing it behind my back. Not sure how much, but I know he prioritised it when his neighbour had it, he would disappear for hours. Coming back in at 4 am and it always seemed to make him super arrogant and he would demand sex, and demand that I wake up and put my nice underwear on and behave very out of character.

He would deny he had been taking it, but it was so obvious. Mixed with weed and booze, he was in a right state and on holiday it got him into a few fights as well.

It really does do something to users and they become very selfish when there is the opportunity to have it.

It removes most inhibitions, so whether or not he has cheated, well it is possible, he is associating with men who do it and who no doubt encourage him and you will never know. If you have doubts about what he does while away, you could pay for a private detective for a few trips, to monitor him. If I was concerned, that's what I would do.

To be honest, I could not be in a relationship with someone who takes drugs again. I was lucky, no ties to him so I walked away relatively easily. Your situation is different. But I would not want to be around that energy. It changes people.

ps No you are NOT boring... I think drugs are horrible. It is your personal opinion.

I can't stand to be around heavy drinkers either. I like a drink myself, now and then, but people who can't let their hair down WITHOUT substances are the ones I think are boring!!

It sounds like you are quite critical of how he spends his time ? If he has more of a party side to him then maybe you’re just not compatible anymore .
If you didn’t want to walk 20 mins to the pub why didn’t u order a taxi ? Also go home earlier to the hotel if you didn’t want to stay out until 2 am with him ?
It sounds like you won’t leave his side and that’s why he snook off without you from the hotel room?
Maybe have a good chat with him about your expectations of each other might help lay a few ground rules .

I just expected it to be more of a chance to spend quality time together since we have 2 small children. He travels for work about 50% of the year and this is full of drink, drugs and staying out late. I guess I expected more effort from him.

I also rarely get the chance to have this fun and even when I do I try to act like a responsible adult and mum I guess and he doesn’t really relate.

I’m scared to think we’re not compatible anymore. I don’t want to be the reason that we’re not so wondered if I was unreasonable or not for being the way I am.

Maybe you’ve just got so used to being the responsible adult/mum that you’ve forgotten how to let your hair down ?
I don’t take drugs so it wouldn’t be my thing either but you could still enjoy yourself .
Perhaps you need to arrange a weekend away just the two of you (without his mates around ) if you prefer the more romantic kind of break .

I do enjoy myself. I genuinely looked so forward to letting my hair down. I danced, drank but by 4am I was done. We went to a club and I did enjoy it but I wasn’t on drugs so I didn’t have any energy to continue.

Well hitting drugs and alcohol hard is a slippery slope. Is he a functioning addict? He must spend a lot of family money on the party life style. Did you work before being a SAHM? I would look to maintaining a foothold in your profession. If you are worried and unhappy I think you need to have a serious talk about his habits and where you are headded as a couple.

Well I think he sounds disgusting actually. He’s a dad with two kids and he’s taking drugs and behaving like that?! Horrendous. I put up with partners like that in my teens / 20s and now I’m nearly 40 and I look back and think wtf was I thinking?!

No wonder you feel so sad. His priority that weekend should have been you, making you feel loved and secure and happy. He sees enough of his loser mates.

I think I would lose all respect for him to be honest.

My partner doesn't do drugs, but he does like to party hard, and when we're both out I also feel like a spare part.

So, we don't go out with each other in that context anymore. If we're going out as a group of friends for a meal, that's fine. If it's onto a club or something after, I'll tell him to go, as he'll only worry about whether I'm having a good time (and I won't be).

It's not that you're incompatible. Couples don't always have to like absolutely the same things. IMO, the healthiest relationships are when you have shared interests, but also separate ones. I wouldn't be happy about the cocaine tbh, but he's a grown man and can make his choice.

Clearly, you don't enjoy being around him when he's like that, so just leave him to it if he's going out with his mates, and do other things together that you both enjoy - but also make sure you get time to do what you like, too.

Sometimes when people have had a drink and they're just in the mood to party, they can forget to make sure you're okay, or think that perhaps you're not in the same mood they are. My partner gets into 'drinking mode', and he'll be just like a butterfly, floating round the room all night, so I get sidelined.

Does that make me feel unloved? Absolutely not. I just choose not to attend events that I know are going to be like that!

I don't understand why some men need to take cocaine or drink to excess to have a good time - it sounds like a crap time to me. You need to decide if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with - I know what my answer would me and it would be no way!!

Also, if you’re still doing 80% of the childcare when he’s home he’s being very unreasonable there and selfish.

Has he behaved like this the entire time you've been together? I wouldn't put up with DH doing drugs. I would give him an ultimatum about that to be honest.

If you want to stay with him knowing he's like this (though I think you should consider leaving) then you need to toughen up a bit and go home/back to a hotel when you've had enough, not just go along with him. Be your own woman.

You absolutely are not being unreasonable. Class A drugs are a deal breaker for many people and as you have all the childcare etc I don’t know many women with small kids who would be up for staying up all night and snorting coke and still be responsible functioning parents. This sounds a bit of a ‘sad , need to keep up with all the others’ kind of thing on his side. Yes he probably does enjoy it , but it’s the kind of stuff that most people grow out of . I have never met anyone who is into all this shit and at some point doesn’t get an almighty downfall— and I work in entertainment so have seen plenty of it believe me.

He’s always been like that. But we met so young and I guess I hoped he’d grow out of it. It’s only now I’m getting older and our kids are getting older and I worry about what we both want out of life and expect from each other. I wonder if he’ll ever grow up.

I’ve always let him pursue his career and picked up the pieces at home. I finished university whilst he moved away to get a job. I stayed and finished my degree and looked after our child. Then moved to be with him and got a good job.

Honestly there’s really no way I could pursue my career as he is away so much. When he’s home he works 10 hours per day (more sometimes). He works on his days off he works on our holidays. He emails first thing in the morning and last at night.

I’ve asked him to stop the coke but he never can and now there’s no point making ultimatums as hell ever be unhappy and feel controlled or do it anyway.

I’m going to park the issues of how he parties and his contribution to family life in my response. These are serious issues and more than anything I think you need to establish how he feels about family life. Is it an obligation or something that he wants alongside the party life he leads.

However I think that whilst you have views on the type of partying your primary question is why didn’t he give you a romantic weekend where you could feel special and loved with his undivided attention. For me the obvious point is that this could never be a romantic weekend. It was a wedding weekend. These invariably involve people catching up and well partying along with happy couple and all the guests. If you can get into all that partying then they are great fun but you will be most likely be doing that with old friends. Most people find weddings tedious events and if British people are involved, pissups. I would never plan anything romantic around a wedding. Your DH does take the partying to the extreme though.

I would take a good long look at the character of the man you are with and the life style you have with him. I can tell what he wants from life and he takes it. But what do you want?

Gah! Why do so many women give up their careers so that their partners can forge ahead, when they aren't married and are going to be completely fucked over if they split up?

Does he make you feel treasured and cherished?