Husband lying about purchases

[makingwavesagain]

My husband has recently started lying about how much items he has bought cost.

I noticed this as he bought some bottles of wine, and our kid mentioned to me how expensive he thought they were. The price his dad had told him was more than he told me how much they were so I checked the delivery note. He had lied. They were £60 more than he told me.

Next was a coat. I thought it sounded cheap so checked the receipt and again he has dropped £60 off the price.

He has just purchased a large item for his office, and he’s done the same. Telling me one price when the item is significantly more expensive online.

For background I work part time, he works full. I earn around a quarter of what he does, so pay a quarter of the bills. Of the remaining money I keep 1/3 and he keeps the rest. So I have a lot less spare cash than he does. We balance this by him having to save for things like holidays.

I’m feeling a bit down about the lying, as it’s messing around with my trust. But I can’t work out if I should just let it go.

I would pick a time when you are both chilled and tell him you know he is not telling you the truth about the cost of the things he is buying, and ask him why he feels the need to lie to you.

Doesn't have to be dramatic, just straight to the point.

To be honest the lying about the purchases would bother me more than the price.

Do you have access/ an idea of the savings you have together?

We have some joint savings. I can access those. He has his own savings too but I don’t know what they are.

I think I will have to raise it. This happened once before a while back and when I tested it that time he sort of laughed it off like he was a kid getting caught out. So I’m just felling a bit deflated about having to raise it again.

The value doesn’t really matter, it’s the easy lying I find crappy.

Do you make comments at him about the things he buys?

Do you say what are you spending more for again etc etc?

My dh moans sometimes about my spending so if i know he will moan at me then i don't tell him the whole truth about it.

I don’t moan at him. But he does rather like the finer things in life and then later moans he is skint. I may have mentioned his extravagant purchases earlier in the month at these times.

He’s always been a bit more into material things than me. He won’t buy something unless it’s the very best top model or from a premium brand.

He did buy some pants from primark once

By his own admission he has champagne tastes and lemonade money!

I think I'd go out and treat myself to something nice out of the joint account and knock £60 off the price.

Hah that’s the sort of plan I could get behind!

I know this will sound bizarre, but how would his parents have reacted?

My mother is very careful with money, I'm less so. I'm not extravagant, but if I need a jumper, say, and there's one I like for £30 and one reduced to £10 I'll get the more expensive one if I'm not keen on the cheaper one (but if I liked the cheaper one I'd buy it). My mother would only look at the reduced ones even though she could easily afford a full-price one. She loves telling me how much everything she buys was reduced by, in stages. If she knows I've bought something she will inevitably ask how much it was, and if it's more than she deems appropriate she'll moan, and question how I can afford it.

It gets tiring.

So I got into the habit with her of lying and telling her things were cheaper than they were, just to avoid the questions and the eye-rolling. Thing is, I occassionally find myself doing the same with DP even though he couldn't care less, and will give me money to buy stuff anyway.

So I'm wondering if it's at least partly habit from when he was younger?

His parents are very frugal, and very rich. But they are also very proud of my husband as he has become the most successful of his siblings.

They don't really discuss how much things cost with him as they assume he can afford it. Maybe they did when he was younger, could explain things?

He tells me lies about other things too, which over the years I seem to have stored up as an unhealthy tally in my head. There have been times he told me he was in one place, but turns out was in another (usually related to a purchase he intends to make but doesn't want me to know he is shopping for). Told me his car was broken down, when he was actually with his mates. He's even lied about how much a whole car cost.

It's mostly money related things he lies about. I'm thinking now it's because I don't spend much money (as i dont have loads), and when I do I always buy sale items to make my money go further. Maybe he thinks I think he should be more sensible with his money like I am.

But I know him really well, he's a bit shit with his money and likes flash things. I have not attempted to change him. It's just the way he is.

Though for some reason I'm keeping this tally of lies in my head. It's coming to a head.

I don't know, I think some people just lie. It's weird as before I went out with current dp, I would have been completely bemused by your post. But my dp now also lies. I find it totally and utterly bizarre. I don't even comment on what he buys (I earn far more than him and he spends far more than me) but he will hide stuff from me (e.g. he needed a new suit so we ordered one online together but when it arrived, he had slotted a coat in the sale in the order. So when the package arrived, he tried on the suit and then I saw him try and take away the box and he ran into another room to try on the coat so I didn't see! I mean fgs!). And I promise you, I have never made a comment!

that's interesting @TimeIhadaNameChange because it came out the other night that his mother was incredibly horrible to him - told him he was useless and worthless and his other siblings were far better than him and I wonder how much conditioning he's had growing up to lie

but makingwaves i can totally get how you clock up the lies (I'm a bit like that too) and tbh I don't think there's ever a quick solution to this because I do think it's in their personality

My OH and I disagree very fundamentally about how to spend money. I don't spend much, but when i do I tend to just buy the thing that I want. He likes to have a lot of things, from good brands, but will shop around for weeks finding the best deal. I just can't be arsed. But it means that if i buy clothes (for example) i find myself lying about the price - that they were on sale, for instance. It's stupid, because our finances are completely separate, but I can't be arsed with the small flare up.

Not saying you're the same as my partner, but wonder if he has a similar thought process to me, keeping it a secret because he's worried you'll disapprove for some reason? Not saying it's ok, but probably important to talk about it - especially if your finances are shared.

I don't think Next is particularly the best of everything, he could of bought Gucci or something and Next is pretty reasonably priced for quality.

He probably thinks you might get on at him if you have already mentioned it. I'm not saying what he's doing is right tho but if you have different views is hard to meet in the middle sometimes.

Maybe just spend more from the joint account to tally his spending or if you don't want to spend it take it out in cash and pay it into your personal savings so things are more equal.

Thanks for your comments everyone. I think you might be right, and some people just lie. Random useless lies that don't really achieve much. Every one takes a teeny bit of my trust away. It will add add up one day.

Oh and the coat wasn't from Next, it was from a very expensive and trendy online brand that is very fashionable in our area. These purchases are not £40-£50 ones, they are £150-£1000 ones, or in the case of the car £25K+

I'm happy with a coat from Next though!

I think I'm feeling less like I want to talk about it, and more like I want to take money from the joint account. Which makes me no better a person really!

yes I don't understand it either. It's funny as I was about to post on mumsnet about it - I even googled 'psychology of random useless lies' and a lot of stuff comes up about pathological lying but it's not like that. It's just these ridiculous lies for seemingly no good reason but a lot of them.

I don't know how to deal with it either. I can't quite decide in my head. For the time being, I'm ignoring it too - it's not really having a major impact on our finances so I would go with the suggestion of spending the money if you want to, or maybe transferring it to savings for something larger for you at a later stage.

I would love to understand the psychology behind it. I wonder if some of it is to do with control but I still find it utterly bizarre

I think his ability to lie so easily and casually is what would be bothering me most. I can totally understand someone saying a coat cost a bit less than it did if they think they've been extravagant, but doing it all the time, over things like a car and even where he's been is very concerning

He obviously thinks you disapprove of him spending money and so tells these “white lies” to cover up purchases. Lots of people do it. As long as he’s not in debt why does it matter?
Just because shopping isn’t your thing doesn’t mean it isn’t his

My exH got into a board gaming habit. I think he'd spend at least £300 every month (without counting his gaming room that cost a total of £15k!!). Anyways, we were equal earners and I was starting to get fed up that he'd buy whatever and if I wanted to buy a camera he'd question if I'd ever use it. Instead I simply started spending on things I liked/wanted. That wasn't healthy at all and ending up divorcing a few months later.

Every time he lies, transfer the equivalent into a separate bank account of your own.

My husband and also likes to pick up a new hobby and then spend a lot on it. Only to go drop the hobby a few months later. He would also be the one buying a whole room and spending loads to support his hobby. He buys in a frenzy, picking up all the bits and bobs the hobby needs. Amazon boxes every day.

I do like shopping, I don’t have the same funds for it as he does. We have a very different style to shopping. He buys lots online, returns lots, buys new clothes weekly. He doesn’t really look after them though and it’s all very disposable for him. Sometimes he buys the same style item a few times, as he’s not hung the first one up and forgotten about it.

I but more monthly, in the sales, and I care for them carefully so they last. I have more of a capsule wardrobe. I hang all my clothes, his linger in a pile in washing baskets.

But I’m not his mum, I’m not hanging it up for him. I can’t fix him and I’m not picking up the slack.

I wonder too if it’s about control? About wanting to feel like your own person and not having to do the married thing and share finances? To not have to talk about why you just had to have the item?

Perhaps it’s just we are so different. I have had my hobby for years, I only put back into it what profit I make from it. I can’t afford to massively fund it any other way.

Having written that, maybe that’s it. He feels guilty I can’t spend on my hobby, or myself, like he can. But not guilty enough to give me more of his money, or the leftover money.

We each only keep what we have earned after paying our share of the bills. The size of the share is based on what we earn. I work part time as we have a kid.

So maybe he feels guilty I have to work part time, and despite contributing less due to my lower wage, I still have less money monthly.

But not guilty enough to split the leftover money 50/50

I can’t transfer money from his account btw. Where the spare money is. Only from the joint account, which is carefully planned and accounted for. If I take money, it means less money for food.