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Original poster

Should I tell my partner about surprise holiday?

20 replies

Pantana90 · 10/09/2019 12:55

My partner and our 9-month-old son are currently on a three-week holiday in Florida. I didn't go with them.
Basically it's my girlfriend's family holiday, and I went two years ago with them. I didn't get along with some members of her family and I really didn't enjoy it. I asked her if she could just go for 10 days so I wouldn't be apart from them for too long, but she said she was going for the full 3 weeks. I was offered to go by her but the thought of going on a holiday where I (aged 30) and my gf (aged 33) are told what we can and can't do wasn't appealing.

They left about a week ago and I am really missing them. I thought I'd enjoy some me time but it's boring and 3 weeks is a long time to be away from your baby son! So much so that I have just booked (at great expense) to head out to them for just five days from this Saturday. Should I tell her about this, or go ahead with my plan to just randomly show up as a big surprise? I think she'll be happy either way.

I am a bit concerned about what her family will think because I would be staying with them, but it is my son I am really there to see and I can't be told to do anything regarding him apart from by my partner.

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:

DBML · 10/09/2019 12:59

Aww, I think the idea is so sweet! Especially as you so want to see your son...but at the same time, it might be better for her to be able to give her family a heads up that you’re arriving? Otherwise it may be more of a shock than a surprise.

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2019 13:08

I think you should surprise them as long as everyone in the family will think it's a nice surprise not a horrible shock

Finfintytint · 10/09/2019 13:13

I think I would give them some notice about it.
What if they have planned a mini trip within the holiday and won’t be there?

Mostlyhappy4 · 10/09/2019 13:21

I absolutely think you should tell them before hand.... actually I think you should ask them. It is their family holiday, you chose not to go. That's fine but now you are essentially going to be staying at their holiday home so you need to at least let them know beforehand. The reason I'm stressing that is because you clearly see there are issues between you and some family members and sound a bit defensive about the fact that they can't tell you to do anything regarding your son. This indicates that you need to let everyone prepare for you all to be together.

Loopytiles · 10/09/2019 13:25

Will your DP be OK with you spending this much family money to join the holiday, having changed your mind)? Many people wouldn’t.

Who paid for her travel? Who is paying for the accommodation?

IMO it would be very rude just to turn up, particularly if someone else is paying for the holiday.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 10/09/2019 13:29

I think you absolutely need to tell both your DP and her family that you intend on coming.

I appreciate you miss your son and partner but I actually think your plan is quite rude. They kindly invited you and you turned down their invitation and now you wat to join them and presumably stay in the accommodation for free without asking?

madcatladyforever · 10/09/2019 13:31

These kind of surpirses are never a good idea. Tell her you're coming.

Original poster

Pantana90 · 10/09/2019 13:54

Note - I am spending entirely my own money to get there...

OP posts:

Drogosnextwife · 10/09/2019 13:59

I think the atmosphere in florida is going to be frosty.

Emerald46 · 10/09/2019 14:06

Yes I understand you're spending your own money to get there, @Pantana90 but presumably you're staying at the accommodation they've paid for? Even if you're not, you're still 'gate crashing' their holiday. I presume you'll be welcome but I think it would be rude to turn up without asking!

ArialAnna · 10/09/2019 14:06

I would email the family member you get on best with and explain that you'd like to keep it a surprise for your partner. That way the family are fairly warned and it'll set a better tone for your stay if they feel involved with the surprise.

Original poster

Pantana90 · 10/09/2019 14:12

How can I "gate-crash" anything that involves my son? Where he is, is my business...and I should have right to see him whenever I want, regardless. If it's uncomfortable, I'd just book my own accomodation.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 10/09/2019 14:15

Er, no.

If someone else is paying for the accommodation then a (renewed) invitation is necessary!

paying for separate accommodation would put your DP in an awful position with her family, and waste even more family money.

Suggest spending the money on couple’s counselling with your DP instead.

Twooter · 10/09/2019 14:16

From your latest reply, I think you’re the problem, so definitely give them warning that you’re coming.

TokyoSushi · 10/09/2019 14:17

Hmm I'm not sure about your attitude, don't get on with the family, won't be told what to do, MY son etc etc

Are you sure this is a great idea?

NameChangeNugget · 10/09/2019 14:17

I wouldn’t gate crash this

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 10/09/2019 14:18

How can I "gate-crash" anything that involves my son?

Because its their holiday and their accommodation. Are you seriously saying you are going to go for 5 days and speak to, eat with or join in activities with none of them? They will miss out on spending time with your partner and your child because and if you booked your own accommodation your partner might feel pressured into staying with you.

This could all have been avoided by agreeing to go in the first place. The point is they are not expecting you and you are going to put everyone in a very uncomfortable position, especially your partner, by just turning up.

Additionally its worth noting that the last part of your partners trip is likely to be affected by your young son being more upset because he has seen you and then you are going to leave again.

Mostlyhappy4 · 10/09/2019 14:20

Oh, right...it sounds like the actual issue has just reared its head.... You don't have aright to be there. It's your girlfriend's family holiday. It sounds like you're on the road to causing huge problems between your girlfriend and her family. She will feel torn and stressed if you do this. I agree with pp...look very closely at your relationship with your girlfriend and how you treat her family.

Original poster

Pantana90 · 10/09/2019 14:55

OK - some doomsday/cynical thinkers here and some good points.
Firstly, I have now told my girlfriend of my plans and asked if it would be ok for me to come. And I have been told that I am more than welcome, which is great.
And for the record, she is beyond excited at the news.
No, I would not travel over 3,000 miles to purposely NOT talk to a select group of people. Even I would deem that insane.

As for the counselling suggestion hahaha - as a couple, we couldn't be better. But yes I do take issue with being 'told' what I can and can't do on a holiday that isn't 'my own'. If I invited people on holiday, under no circumstances would I do things like tell them they can't go out for dinner, or go out for the day on their own, to pay for restaurant food I didn't order because they split the bill exactly equally (which is what happened to me).

And again, thanks for the advice ;)

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 10/09/2019 15:07

So when those things happened, when members of your GF’s family got cross when you wanted to do things separately, or itemise restaurant bills, what did you do? Did you have a word with your GF in private and agree how to handle it? Or did you show your displeasure to the family? If the latter, that was crap of you.

Especially if others were paying for the accommodation.

The family weren’t necessarily unreasonable to want you both to participate in things, especially if they were subsidising your holiday.

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