Guilty about my mother

[MumProblem01]

Hello everyone,

I've name changed for this. And sorry this is very long, it all just fell out so I hope it makes some sense

My mum has always been clingy. When I was a child she wouldn't let me do anything or go anywhere that might cause her worry or upset. In my late teems she would drive around town if she thought I was out too late looking for me. She used to hit me as a child until I starting hitting back and caused a bruise on her arm, which she said she had difficulty explaining to her workmates. I told her she shouldn't hit me then. When I was about 10 I was at my grandparents next door and she didn't know where I was (for some reason) and when I got back home (not late!) she belted me with a really thin belt folded over and over so it was about 8 strands. That left scars on the back of my legs for years. Afterwards she cried and cried and apologised and I forgave her for that because it was a one off and she had had a brutal upbringing where being hit by her father was the norm.

I left home when I was 18 because she was just so suffocating and moved to a city about 50 miles away. During my twenties I'd occasionally be back home. To be honest, I didn't really grow up. I see that now.

I married in my thirties and moved a very long way away. My now ex husband couldn't be bothered going all that way so he suggested she move in with us and we then would buy a bigger house. So that happened. It was okay. I guess he could see things I couldn't because I was inured to them. I feel it was a really big mistake because it dragged me back into being a child.

Anyway. marriage ended and I was extremely stressed and knackered, and I allowed myself to be browbeaten by my mother into buying a house together which we own jointly. I didn't have the mental strength to keep objecting and it meant I had a decent home and didn't have to live in a studio flat which, financially, was my alternative.

Fast forward to now, and through the six years or so we have lived together it has been frustrating a lot of the time. I admit now I think I just regressed into being her child because after my divorce I had cancer and that has taken me a long time to get over. I have a year to go before I get the full all clear and they discharge me. All this time because she has her own health problems I've been her carer. I've worked part time, studied because I don't want to end up on the scrap heap, done volunteering to keep my hand in and been around for her, taken her out, to appointments etc etc.

In all the time she's been here she's made no effort to join anything or to make any friends. I've tried over the years to suggest things she might like to no avail. So when I'm not around she is on her own. She keeps saying I'm enough, but what she means is she wants me around all the time.

I've allowed that. I take ownership that I haven't been helpful in this because I've enabled the situation. She had a three month stint at the local hospital in an afternoon exercise class and every single week she moaned and grumbled about going and was in a bad temper every week when I picked her up. Her doctor kept telling her how important it was she kept mobile, so I kept taking her and she's barely done anything since.

Once when we were at the doctors the doctor said to her -about being mobile and what would happen if she fell, and she replied that I'd lift her up. To which the doctor replied - your daughter has her own health to consider. There was another incident where another medical person told me my mum had me well trained.

To be honest I think it's this interaction with other people that set me off on my current train of thought. My mother does have health problems, but I have to force her to make the effort to get her own lunch. She can easily make a sandwich, or heat soup, make herself a drink etc. It's just she wants me to do it. It causes a HUGE amount of friction when I don't do as she wants. Even more so now because I have been doing in the past. I've felt guilty I think. Guilty that I wasn't a good enough daughter, that other children would be doing this.

However, all our interactions for that three month period at the hospital have opened my eyes. They told my mum that she was extremely lucky to have me.

We've started arguing more and more since then. Then I decided I'd had enough and it was time to get my life back, so I work more. Now I'm met with "oh I hardly see you these days" or accusations that I haven't done something, or have done something else.

I shouted at her this morning and hated myself for it.

The thing is, I'm berating myself for letting this go on so long. I see that for whatever reason I've taken the easy way and just gone along with how she wants things. And I find it REALLY hard to consider that actually she's made herself lonely by her refusal to make a life for herself here. This isn't a new thing, she did exactly the same when she lived with me and my ex husband, she spend eight years just sitting at home having the occasional day out herself but not making any effort to make friends because I was all she wanted.

Yesterday (which has brought all this to a head) she was really poorly and the doctor came out to see her. I feel absolutely awful but I wondered if she would have to go to hospital, just for a day, just to give me a break, just so I could relax and not have her going on at me. My heart sank when he said she should be fine in a couple of days.

She spends all the time in the living room, so I never sit there. It's as if the room doesn't exist for me. If I sit in the kitchen, or am in the kitchen it's as if I have a magnet attached to me and she'll appear as if by magic asking me what I'm doing.

It's so intense. She wants to know everything about what I'm doing, where I'm going, who I'm seeing. I don't tell her. She's always been like this.

With studying and work I'm currently doing something for about 60 hours a week. I'm absolutely determined to finish my studies and move on to a well paid career.

I'm struggling because 1. I'm knackered! and 2. I find it difficult to keep in my mind that this is my home as much as it is hers and that I'm not selfish when I want to spend time in it the way I want to, not the way she wants. I feel selfish and guilty about not taking her out more. I've been on holiday from one of my jobs for two weeks and every day she asks me if we're going out anywhere. I keep saying no and keep feeling guilty. I take her out every Sunday. It's my only day off and it is dedicated to her. She can no longer get out and about on her own because of her mobility issues, so I'm happy to do it and it's okay, it's just...enough. I can't dedicate any more time to taking her out. She would never ever go out with anyone else, nor would she ever take a taxi anywhere. It has to be me.

I don't really know why I've written all this. I suppose I need a hug or something, and maybe for someone to say that I'm not being selfish and I don't need to feel guilty.

Thanks for listening.

OP,
I hereby give you permission to take back control of your life.
Bom

Whoops, meant to preview, not post.

My mum's similar, but I'm lucky in that I live 600 miles away. She keeps mentioning buying the house next door though, which would be a nightmare. Nearby, ok. Next door, no.

When she moved to where she currently lives I suggested she spoke to the school next door (she used to be a teacher) and asking about going in to listen to the children read. She refused, as, apparently, it would be unlikely the teacher would be better than her and she wouldn't be able to stop herself taking over. Despite the fact she last taught primary about 40 years earlier.

When I was growing up she'd never let me spend time in my room, alone. I had to be in the lounge with her. When I first got a mobile she liked seeing the message fly on to the screen, so I'd show her, but then she'd want to know who it was from and what it said. No idea of privacy whatsoever.

You have to get on with your life now, you can't just wait for her to die (as I was doing to some extent). You can do this.

she regards you as an extension of herself, for her you are a tool that she can use to get what she wants, like you're one of those 'grabbers' that old people use when they can't bend over anymore

This made me laugh because it's literally true. She'll leave the fire on high and boil until I happen to appear on the scene then she'll ask me to turn it off. Or if I'm around and something's out of her reach (and equally not in mine!), she'll get annoyed with me if I don't get it for her.

I can imagine her in a home forever pressing the buzzer and driving everyone mad.

When I started the thread, it was almost enough to just get it all off my chest. I honestly thought that no one would reply and that anyone reading would roll their eyes and think, God, selfish cow, or something like that. Or that someone would actually post that in response.

I've been on Mumsnet long enough to know that people's views can be incredibly (and mindbogglingly!) skewed about the situations they're in, but even then didn't think this was really one of those times.

You live and learn!

You have to get on with your life now

I'm going to use this as my mantra. Thank you.

I've had problems with my studies, and it's because all this has taken up a lot of headspace. So much headspace that there was little room for anything else.

I'd just about given up on a dream/goal that I'd had for the future, and decided I would have to leave it until after my mother had died.

So I knew on some level just how toxic and consuming this all was.

It's all going to change now I have all this new information from you lovely people. Got a lot of thinking to do.

she regards you as an extension of herself - that's enmeshment summed up in a phrase.

I'll warn you now, when you start doing things for yourself she'll interpret that as you doing it for no other reason than to hurt her, because that's the only way she can understand it. My mother can't believe I like living where I do and wouldn't prefer to move back where she does because she wouldn't like to live here. Therefore, the only reason I live here is to hurt her. And that's what she tells people. It's ridiculous (but can be incredibly hard to deal with even so).

Good. Be very kind to yourself in the decisions you make

You're right, she does regard me as an extension of herself. It's as if we're the one person (in her eyes).

My mum used to tell people I "made her" do this or that whenever she asked me for advice about anything, took a course of action and someone asked her why she was doing it. I think that was a result of her own upbringing and never having the courage of her own decisions because her father had been cruel to her. So she always felt when someone asked her why she had decided something what they were really telling her was that the decision was wrong. So for a long time now she's had frustration because I never respond to that, I just say, it's up to you.

I imagine this is going to be more of the same!

My mum can't make decisions when eating out with me. She's fine if she's with others (I assume) but with me it all goes to pot. She'll ask what I'm having and choose the same, unless she doesn't like it in which case she'll complain that she wouldn't like it and then chooses something else. I quite often say one thing then 'change my mind' at the last minute as it seems freaky, her always having the same as me.

She really doesn't like me choosing something she wouldn't like though. I remember I'd ordered pudding once, a chocolate thing, it looked wonderful. When it came out my mother sat there sticking out her tongue and saying 'urrrgggghhhhh' with no thought that that might be offputting to me. I did pull her up on in but she didn't accept it.

Oh yes, and then there was the time she told my cousins she 'wasn't allowed' to come and visit me where I lived, which lead to looks of 'how can you be such a bitch?' from said cousins.

In actual fact there had been a one-off incident a few years previously, just after my nan died, and before I really moved here. I'd spent the summer with my mother and it had been very claustrophobic, as you can imagine, upsetting for me as well as my mother. I had a wedding to go to about halfway between her home and here, so I said I'd take a few days and come up here to spend time on my own and grieve. Basically, I needed a few days on my own away from her. She thought it would be a great idea to come and meet me here and I said no. Firstly, because I needed time on my own, and secondly, because if she'd come she'd have wanted to do touristy things and that was not what I needed.

So that was it. I'd put my foot down over three days here, and that got related later as never being allowed to visit.

And if I sound like I was being a complete bitch she could have gone to stay with my sister for a few days whilst I was away but that wasn't good enough, it was me she wanted.

Have you any ideas on how you can get out of this situation?

Sorry, the thread has moved on. Sounds like a good plan OP.

"You're right, she does regard me as an extension of herself. It's as if we're the one person (in her eyes).

My mum used to tell people I "made her" do this or that whenever she asked me for advice about anything, took a course of action and someone asked her why she was doing it."

My mother is the same though our relationship is not one of emeshment but rather the opposite disengagement. I live along way a way from her and fortunately I have siblings but she talks about all of us as if we do not exist except in relation to her .I am 55 years old and she doesnt know anything about me...who my friends are, what I do for a living...nothing ..i as a person do not exist for her . I am only there to listen to her, to support her and to be controlled.Both my parents were awful and cruel to me and my siblings growing up and they were awful to each other ..plus I guess their childhoods were not great either but that is no excuse to be awful to your children

Also my mother who is now 80 made no effort to expand her life when my father died 15 years ago and expects us to ring her all the time ,visit and support her ...she thinks we owe her as she looked after our physical needs as children ...I know she expects me to retire and go and live with her as I am single
In a way its sad for her ...I have no children but you could have a great relationship with your off spring and by behaving like a dragon you never do
I spent years wasting my time trying to change her or support her or listen to her or to make her happy ...all a waste of time
I know I am single because of how my childhood made me feel about myself & relationships .I will never have the joy of children

To the OP I would say that you must put yourself first . If you are guilty about your mother then maybe look up some care for her at home..social services may be of help

It seems you have learned what I didn't that you cannot be responsible for another happiness .
You can only look after your own happiness

I’m glad that you are making plans for changes OP. It won’t be easy, your DM will fight it and she will make you feel like you are betraying her dreadfully. Don’t be too hard on yourself, for your whole life you have lived to please your Mother. Change is hard but it is so important for you to make a life for yourself. Your Mother isn’t getting any younger, tell her that you need to make a life for yourself now, that you need friends who you can spend time with when she is no longer here. She should want you to have your own life outside of her, I have two autistic children (am autistic myself) and there is nothing I want more than to see my children live successful lives, with friends and partners and jobs they enjoy and a family of their own one day!

Please don’t feel foolish for your relationship dynamics with your Mother! As a child, she was your safe place, your father was sadistic and incredibly abusive- she chose to allow that abuse! She could have left and protected you, instead of staying and abusing you herself! She isn’t your safe place anymore- she is toxic!

You deserve a happy life, a home where you can relax, a partner who loves and respects you and friends who will have your back. You are however, vulnerable, abusers can spot victims of abuse- your ex partner is a great example! Please look into the freedom program, you need to learn how to spot abusers.

Please don't feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong. You deserve to have a wonderful life; your mother is still abusing you, it just isn't physical now.

I know it will be very difficult for you to refuse her demands, but you have to have resolve, think about your own health and life, put yourself first for once.

I will never have the joy of children
I hope you have many other joys in your life though Diedre, you deserve them!

bombomboobah :-)

Hi everyone

There hasn't been a great deal happening in practical terms since I last posted.

However, my mother was very annoyed the other day about the amount of time I'm not at home, so I took the opportunity to reiterate that this wasn't going to change in the future. I think she thinks it will, no matter what I say.

Since I last posted, there has been more realisation on my part about the situation I've got myself into, not just with my mother but also my father. As I said he lives a few minutes away.

I initially moved here deliberately because I was afraid that if I never really saw him again that when he died I'd feel some sort of guilt about us not having a good relationship. And I didn't want that because, when he was dead, I didn't want him to be affecting my life like that for ever. I wanted rid of him in my mind. That's definitely worked. But the flip side to that is that he's invaded my life again.

I see quite clearly that over the last 5/6 years I've been dragged down by both my parents. I feel extremely stupid.

I imagine meeting a nice man and trying to explain things to him and him thinking, "Eh?! WTF!" I think it could take someone who'd been damaged themselves to understand.

What is happening practically is my mother will be getting a personal alarm so that if she injures herself or needs help she can have someone come to her. That will hopefully get rid of all the guilt about that from me as she will have access to emergency assistance 24 hours a day.

I also realise the life I'm living isn't mine. So I'm heading off next year on an adventure abroad. On my own! Such a small, ordinary thing for many people but my confidence and self esteem has been shot to pieces, so it's a pretty major thing for me.

I've planned an increase in work soon and my income will increase too, so I'm starting home improvements.

With my spare time, I'm going to start building up my friendship relationships so that I have my own support network too, and I can do things freely for others because I love and value them, not because of guilt or obligation.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I value avery single one of your contributions, and I've spent the time since I was here last thinking it all over and deciding on how to get ME back, and live MY life.

Tues 10 Sept I'll also be doing a huge amount of thinking about relationships. I knew deep down I was in a situation where I wasn't (allowed to be) a fully functioning adult woman. I was just....a bit lost in the fog.

The fog ---- This word has a very different meaning in situations such as yours and one that is very applicable to you

FOG

F ear - fear of ...
O bligation - this person did x for me ... therefore I should ...
G uilt ... but what if ...?

The FOG is internally imposed and there is no need to go along with it. See the 'FOG' for what it is and find/fight your way out of it. You have no need to fear this person. You didn't ask to be born, any 'obligation' is self imposed. AND definitely, with the upbringing you had, but in any case, there is no need for guilt.