Don't know how to deal with this situation (friend and DA)

[WishWeWereStillYoungNCarefree]

I'm going to keep this brief, and may have to drip feed, but I'm trying to make it less identifiable for my friend if possible.

My best friend (of about 25 years) has been in a (at the very least) verbally abusive relationship for a while. We have a close group of friends, formed on the basis of the girl's friendships, but the husbands have also formed independent friendships.

Recently it's escalated and some terrible things have happened. He has behaved appallingly, and to top it off, we've found out he's been having an affair(or at the very least cheated) with the mother of one of the DCs school friends

My friend has indicated she wants to break up with him, but due to the situation feels utterly trapped and unable to. She's recently indicated that's she's going to try and lead separate lives under the same roof, which I feel is so sad for her and DC.

My question is, how do me and our other friend deal with this? I know we have to be there and support her, however long it takes for her to get out (and we've offered her place to stay etc).

But the social aspect with her husband is just so hard. I hate him (more than I've hated anyone probably) for what he's done and is continuing to do to her. But the wider social group doesn't know. He is inviting people constantly to things, including all her friends, and our DHs. And people are going.

I don't want to go, I just don't want to see him. But it's v tricky to get time to see her alone due to location, her job, and I suspect him making it difficult. I worry that if we refuse to go to any of the social stuff where he is there, we are isolating my friend and her DC. It would be obvious because it's refusing to do long standing annual events. But I feel like by going, we are indirectly supporting him? Celebrating him? I just can't face it.

How do we navigate this? BTW she has a long term health condition that makes leaving practically more difficult, and their working arrangement risks her losing primary care of her DC.

WWYD? Suck it up and act normal? Go and be off with him? Or just not go and risk rarely seeing my friend?

I don’t know but it is REALLY good to hear of someone like you who has objections to socialising with a domestic abuser. It’s really important that we women stand up for each other in this way. His tactic is textbook...
He tries to make your friend feel that everyone is on ‘his side’ which is in turn massively isolating for your poor friend who’ll be feeling gutted that he’s able to maintain the facade. Street angel/ Home devil scenario. It’s really hard because if he gets the idea that she is ‘turning people against him’ (of course he’ll never believe that people are against him because of his own actions) he could potentially turn quite dangerous.

Gorris that is my worry, and is my DHs point. That we should socialise with him for her sake.
He knows me and my other friend hate him though.
Me and my DH have turned a few things down recently (for genuine reasons) and I know he's commented to my friend it's my influence.
But how can I go and have a jolly meal/party/whatever else with someone who I feel so strongly against? He has really been so vile to her it's unbelievable. But he also strongly feels his actions are her fault!

What a cunt.

Just at a loss as to how to respond to stuff coming up. The big one is Christmas. For about 10 years now we've alternated a mini christmas day between our houses, the kids love it, we do secret santa. This year is scheduled at their house.

I just can't maintain the facade required do it. But to renege on a long standing tradition is a very blunt way of saying the friendship group is broken. I don't know how he will react.

My DH wants us to stay out of their relationship, which I am irrationally cross about. She needs me to be explicitly on her side.

It’s very hard.
All I can say is that when I was in your friends position I wished just one person would take my side. Fight my corner when I didn’t have the strength.
Just one.
Nobody did and consequently when the relationship was over I also dumped everyone that hadn’t supported me. Their reasons were irrelevant in the end really. It sadly included a lot of family and longstanding friends. But when it came to the crunch they were utterly useless so there was no point in investing time or energy in them anymore. People thought they were being sweet by asking me if I minded them socialising with ex etc. I just thought .... think for your fucking self! But silently I judged them for their associations and I made it clear enough. Nobody that really loved me could associate with somebody that had abused me so horribly.
But it is a really tricky situation