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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH job issues.

14 replies

Belfield · 10/09/2019 09:51

My DH has been unhappy in his job mainly because of the way people in his office speak to him. This is an ongoing theme and i can't think of a job that he has been in where he has been happy. It is usually because somebody shouted at him/had the incorrect tone/didn't treat him with respect. He complains about his job every evening for hours. Sunday he saw a job that suits his experience perfectly but the closing date was 2pm the next day. The job is public and they clearly said that it had to be submitted by 2pm or it will not be accepted. There are several jobs from the one application. Long story short he submitted the application at 2.05pm. I had reviewed his application and corrected it and tidied it up and we cancelled a day out on Sunday so he could work on it. I had sent it to him once corrected at 12.30. All he had to do was forward it on but there was one incorrect spelling so he decided to upload again to fix it etc and then ran out of time to send it. They have already come back to say they will not be reviewing the form as it was sent outside the timelines for applications. When he said it to me, he blamed me for the typo and I was really annoyed saying what planet are you on to think a typo is more important than getting a 20 page form in on time. (the typo was not on the form but the name of the saved word document). He then said he didn''t see my message that it was done and was busy in work. I said that wasn't my problem, it is his application, he should have been ensuring it was in on time, he is the one not happy in his job, not me. I was just helping him but I don't have to and won't be going forward. I am extremely irritated that so much time was spent and he didn't forward it on time completely wasting everyone's time (including his own). He then started talking about how x spoke to him today and I told him to leave me alone that I was sick of hearing about how everyone is mistreating him. I then tried to discuss why I was so irritated by the fact he didn't send the form on time explaining it was a wider issue of him always expecting me to pick up the slack and he put his fingers in his ears and start saying la la la la, I can't hear you, la la la. I went to bed and didn't speak with him and refused to speak to him this morning also. I have never in our 15 years refused to speak to him but I am so unbelievably pissed off. I don't know how to move forward with this as it seems like such a minor thing but it has really really annoyed me.

OP posts:

Ocicat · 10/09/2019 09:54

He blames everyone, especially you, for his problems? He stuck his fingers in his ears going la la la I can’t hear you? What a fucking child. I bet he’s the same at work. His colleagues probably can’t stand him, and I don’t blame them.

AmIThough · 10/09/2019 09:58

Maybe people don't respect him because he acts like a petulant child?

Span1elsRock · 10/09/2019 09:58

Oh dear, is he one of those "never my fault it's everyone else" sort of people..........

That must be rough to live with OP...........

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2019 10:00

It seems like he's the common denominator here. He's the problem.

TokyoSushi · 10/09/2019 10:05

I'd agree, he's the problem, not other people. Same problem in many different situations, it's likely to be you, and they way he handled this shows why!

CIareIsland · 10/09/2019 10:10

He is the common denominator - but you are enabling and rewarding his bad behaviour - so in-effect stopping him from developing / changing.

His CV will soon look shite and he will be unemployable.

What happened in his childhood? What are his parents like?

He needs some counselling intervention to re-wire his mindset - otherwise he will continue to circle the drain and take you all down with him.

Windmillwhirl · 10/09/2019 10:16

He made the call to change the typo so close to the time the applications closed. It's not your fault, but his.

If he wants people to respct him at work, then he needs to speak up there. Coming home and moaning to you is not going to help.

He sounds like a perpetual victim. That won't change unless he decides to do something about it.

What do want to do, op? You sound fed up (understandably so)

Original poster

Belfield · 10/09/2019 10:20

I would agree that he is the common denominator. I have said to him that if it were one job maybe but at this stage it is with every job. I have suggested counselling and he said he would look into it to try to stop reacting badly to "people shouting at him for no reason" . Some of the examples are actually of people shouting at others so it is beyond me how this would even affect him so much.

@ClareIsland his parents are very controlling. His mother wants he and his brother to depend on her totally and she takes over all decisions. His brother who is 45, lives with her, doesn't work and depends on her for everything. He was in a job once but left because everyone was disrespecting him and she encouraged him to leave saying he doesn't deserve to be spoken to like that. When my DH complains about his job she says the same thing. When I say he needs to look at himself he says I am not being supportive. I agree I am enabling. I used to enable a lot more and should just let him fall on his face but we have to pay bills to survive so I probably prop him up so that we don't fall behind on mortgage etc.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 10/09/2019 10:28

been unhappy in his job mainly because of the way people in his office speak to him
Wow - seriously?
He expects everyone to bow and scrape to him as he is the perfect person - right!!????
WRONG.
He has no accountability for his own actions.
He never has had.
You have enabled him to behave like this for the whole 15 years you have been together.

Do you have DC?
Because this would be totally unacceptable for me!
He's a fuck-sucker.
No doubt he sucks the joy out of everything you do.

finn1020 · 10/09/2019 10:51

OP it sounds like you’re in a relationship with a petulant child. Is it really this particular issue that’s bothering you, or is just one more thing on top of one more thing? You MUST know all his issues are not the fault of his work colleagues, it’s all him and quite frankly he sounds like the work colleague from hell. He also sounds like the partner from hell but if you’ve been together 15 years I am guessing you usually don’t mind enabling his behaviour and like him playing the victim card OR you’re afraid of change, or don’t want to be alone, or some such thing. He sounds like a nightmare.

He won’t change and you know that. Yes his mum hasn’t helped but blaming her for everything is just another excuse you’re making for him so he can be a poor victim and you can support him in this role. If you like that then fine, but why come on here complaining about the way he’s behaving when it’s par for the course for him and for you? Either change this, or don’t. Just don’t wake up in 30 years wondering why life has passed you by.

CIareIsland · 10/09/2019 10:58

His whole relationship and childhood with his mother (which is still ongoing) is the root of all of this behaviour. He has been the victim of a v controlling and toxic parent (still is) - so his world view is twisted like hers.

He can either carry on as he is or invest in therapy to untangle all of this conditioning so that he can behave like a well adjusted adult.

Do you have children? If so how do you both approach parenting.

CIareIsland · 10/09/2019 11:03

Maybe you should do some research yourself into these types of relationships so that you can see the bigger picture, the repeated and deteriorating types of behaviour and where this will all end up.

Because currently you are too close up buried in the details of typos and closing dates. None of that is relevant.

You also need to be aware that your MIL end game is him back at home.

How was your up bringing? How do you see yourself in all of this?

Moondancer73 · 10/09/2019 11:06

If he is 'mistreated' in every job it sounds very much like the issue is him.

Original poster

Belfield · 10/09/2019 11:31

@ClareIsland I grew up, as I am sure you suspect, in an abusive home. I saw myself as inferior and my job was to support him. I have been attending counselling for a while (mainly to ensure I do a good job parenting for our son). I am successful professionally and have very good friends. I also have good relationships with my siblings. I think I have a good idea of the dynamic that has formed and I am trying to not enable him but I can't do it on my own. My DH doesn't seem to want to change so I am at a loss as to what I can do. Some of my siblings took years to acknowledge that they come from an abusive backround and it was frustrating watching them still pander to my abusive parents but there is nothing that i can do about it. My siblings who see the abuse are all, with counselling, doing very well. My DH doesn't think he comes from a controlling background. I know my MIL end game is to have him back but today, at this point in time, I just feel like she can have him. He is a very intelligent, kind, considerate person and I wanted to help him become the person he could be rather than sitting at home doing nothing but I think there is only so much you can do for someone. He is actually good with our son, he isn't controlling like his mother/father at all so part of me thinks he must disagree with it.

I know that I am the problem also. I know it is not all just him. Thanks so much for your comments.

OP posts:

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