Father daughter relationship

[ChicagoSnake6]

This will be a little long so bare with me. I am from Chicago, not born but raised in and around the city for the majority of my life. I am 32 now and my daughter is 2 and my step son is almost 10. I am an orphan and foster kid from South Korea as well as an adoptee both legal and non legitimate, meaning I've been takin in off the street at a young age due to me running away by many people who have played the part of my parents. Not sharing my sob story but those are important details to my question. My question is what are the most important aspects to being a father in other places besides Chicago? I don't actually know what is "healthy". I don't assume there's one size fits all but I would like to compare my experience to others to see where I stand. In Chicago, a father who is not in prison and mildly present is a GREAT dad, so I need a context that is wider to be honest. I myself have gang banged and lived that life for a while and have since straightened out my life for my daughter and myself. I love her deeply and vice versa, she is even potty training now and mimics me by standing over her potty LOL (I say she needs more time with her mom, especially in the bathroom). It's cute now but I'm wondering if she doesn't need more time with her mother and aunties, instead of a grown man who took almost 30 years to get there, who still has many bad habits he's working to be better at. I would really like to know some stories from the perspective of now, grown woman on their own fathers. I really have no specific wishes for her other then finding peace. Education, money, responsibility etc can be taught by myself and learned by her relatively easily and for free. I see so many people spend most of there week at work, all rationalizing the missed time with their family FOR their family. The whole "I'm doing this for my family" rationalization when it has more to do with fears, shame or insecurities. To me I've learned one important thing about love and that's, time IS the deepest expression of love. Love can be expressed truly in many ways and many people believe money, things and decadence is love and if they believe that truly, it makes those things true as well but I think of it like this; The most important thing a living being, like us humans, have isn't money, power, or materials, not even love, empathy, compassion etc...it's time. Unlike money you can't save time or make more of it once u have spent it so you have to be soo careful on who and what you spend it on. I have wasted a lot of time in my life, suffering and re taking the same lessons of life but I find if you learn from your mistakes, no matter how long it takes, it becomes worth it. I find that I won't even need to leave her money if I teach her how to make it for herself so really peace is my only goal for her as well as my my step son. They will both have to fight that war themselves because the journey to personal peace is found alone but I would like to leave them both with the knowledge of what's truly important in a world with so much distraction, as well as specific tips along the way. Me and my step son are close as well by the way but I parent my daughter much more because to be honest, boys are easier imo. I have found peace recently and have also been in a recent life threatening situation where my philosophy was tested and I proved to myself I truly believe in what I say. I would like that for my kids as well although I would like to have them avoid getting potentially murdered like I was, which is a common problem in our neighborhood as well as our city. The war I have fought with myself for decades was finally won by surrendering and letting go surprisingly enough, finding my humanity and myself, and choosing to be better, which is the only requirement I have for my kids. She doesn't even have to love me, although I would always like that, but she does need to learn how to love herself and know the difference between happiness and peace. Those things I can teach and she copies much of what I do so I kno she is learning, and I figure if I work on myself, it will kill 2 birds because I've found that kids do what u do, not what u say lol. Her mother and I are not together but are roommates for financial reasons right now and we do love and respect each other...it's complicated and I will need to make a challenging decision either way soon, I guess I'm just scared about the unknown and don't want to loose what I have now with my daughter, although deep down, I already know the nature of life, and I guarantee I will have many more challenges as long as I'm breathing, but dam, can't I have a break for a little!!! Any thoughts would be appreciated.

P.S. why is it when you get your shit together and commit to one female (my daughter not my BM lol) woman seem to come out of the woodwork!!! 😜🤨

I mean this in the nicest possible way - what is your question? Is it 'how can I be a good dad'?

I have two daughters - 14 and 12. Things I've learned along the way:

1. The single most important thing to give them is time. Time when you are completely present. Meet her where she's at - take an interest in her interests. You're definitely going to get your nails painted at some point! But she might just as easily be at home on the football field, the competitive swimming pool, or the running track. Encourage all of those passions, wherever they lead.

1. The relationship you have with your daughter will set the benchmark for what she expects - and what she will accept - from men in the future. The way you treat her is critical. Be the reason for her to set that bar high.

1. There will be times in the future when the world tells her she can't do things. Your job is to encourage within her a self-belief and a confidence so that she knows she can do anything she sets her mind to, if she's willing to work. When she runs into prejudice when she's older, she needs her dad's voice in the back of her head, reminding her that she's not just a princess - she's a goddamned warrior princess.

1. She is always watching. She is always learning. Let her see you respecting women, valuing them, and treating them as equals. Always. Maybe let those women stay in the woodwork a while - and definitely don't have them in and out of your daughter's life.

1. Show her the meaning of hard work. Let her learn that the world owes her nothing - but, equally, that success is in her own gift.

1. Be a gentleman. Open the car door for her. Get her chair. And bugger anyone who tells you it's wrong - there are some things a gentleman should just do.

1. When she's older, don't be afraid of her changing body. Get her the sanitary products. Keep hugging her. Don't be the dad whose changed behaviour leads her to believe there's somehow something wrong with what's happening to her. And don't be that dad all the shotgun jokes are about when she gets a boyfriend - she doesn't need you to police the boys who come and go in her life. Instead, she needs you to teach her what a healthy relationship looks like, and to have confidence in her own judgement, and the self-belief to walk away if her boundaries are threatened.

1. Above all, enjoy her. There's something immeasurably wonderful about the relationship between father and daughter. My girls know I'm the parent - but we're also best friends.

It wasn't too clear exactly what you were asking, but hopefully some of that might be at least vaguely helpful!

Lmao naw I feel you sorry. I guess it's, what is a good dad considered outside of what I know. Tbh I haven't even narrowed down the specific question yet but just know I will need help lolol

Yeasss!!! I appreciate every word my man, immensely. Sorry I know I didn't come out with a specific question and was sort of unclear, which mirrors my feelings as a father sometimes lol but you covered a lot and I'll take it all. I worry about all those things especially the type of woman she will be and what men she will eventually be around and I have a growing realization of how I will shape what she will unconsciously or consciously compare as a "good" man in the future by what she sees in me. This was what I needed. I think what I really took away from your response was that a good father isn't really a context based on environment but an overall thing that exists in fathers from anywhere. Thank you again bro. I think the scariest thing I'm starting to see is that love and hate are not different but the same thing at different degrees and I'm starting to learn that, because I love her so much it will also mean that I will feel like I hate her sometimes and vice versa so loving her (or anyone) is more of a commitment then I once thought not too long ago. Added with the uncertainty of the future between me and her mom, I guess I jus needed someone to say all my confusion is normal and expected and I feel more confident in sometimes feeling like I know nothing. It's kool that fatherhood and really any experience can connect people that have never met and exist in different parts of the world. Appreciation again!

For God's sake please use paragraphs.

As for your "question" assuming you are after some guidance on how to be a good father to a daughter I would say make spending time with her your top priority.

Like PP said, you need to model good behaviour and treat her in a way you would expect her future partners to treat her.

Hey there, I'm a Calif mum and I think Chicago is a GREAT town! So much to see and do for you and your daughter. My advice on being a great dad is, before to do something, ask yourself "Would I want my child to see me do this?" and "Is this what I'd want my child to do?". At the end of the day, we all want to be able to look our children straight in the eyes and say "I lived a good life today".

I know Chi has some areas that are 'in the life' and it can be really hard to break away from that. Do you think it might help you if you moved to another area and started over again? I couldn't tell from your post if that's at all possible.

You may want to check this out as a starting point:

resources.healthychicagobabies.org/locations/family-focus-lawndale/fatherhood-initiative-family-focus-nuestra-familia

Your daughter should be unburdened by what burdens you.

Try to react to her needs, let her teach you how to be a good dad.

What's a paragraph?? Lolol jkjk ok i got u next time, sorry. time seems to be the most valuable thing I could ever give her, thanks for the advice

Agreed, looks like I'll have a few more issues to work out myself so she doesn't inherit any of my mess. Thanks!!

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paragraph

You're welcome 😁

Awesome advice momi from Cali and I really appreciate the advice and tools, thanks, and Nuestra is actually a few blocks away from me. Yea gangs are a part of this city for better or for worse and it's just one more aspect we have to deal with in this city. Myself and all her uncles used to be a part of that lifestyle and have miraculously survived and lived to be free and now we are all more or less focused on being fathers and have since moved off the block. But at the level we were at, Chicago becomes a small city even though our current neighborhood is relatively safer. But the fame I achieved in the past only proves to be an annoyance now. The generation above me has been said that this is our karma (I thought getting shot was enough lol) but it's a choice between leaving all my family and hers or staying but sacrificing safety. I have lived outside the city when I was younger and my choice is to stay because everyone has problems. Safety is really just an illusion, she could just as easily get hit me a car in the suburbs so I would just be replacing one set of problems with others and ones I'm not as familiar with. I don't regret any past failures because I eventually learned from them and they made me a better, more experienced man but one of my fears is that she will end up with someone that respects that life more then his experience level and she will have to be a part of his experience, which learning to let go is a hard lesson, especially in the hood. My plan is to become "famous" for something else more positive and am working to build myself to a point where I can make my environment better. Then, maybe she'll choose something different. She will have more wisdom from us so hopefully the family and I can guide her through life, avoiding some unnecessary scars. I am working towards that slowly so hopefully by the time she starts lookin at boys they will be of a different background or same background, similar experience level. Thank you for the advice tho and love from Humboldt Park.

Lol got ya

Hahahaha, that is funny. It made me laugh. I am laughing. Grammar is not my strong suit.
Thank you for all your responses. I will reply in a more appropriate fashion next time. I will make sure not to apply as an English teacher in the future lol.
Paragraphs are cool. They are much more efficient, when being clear is the goal. Especially when communicating with educated people, such as yourselves. Please bare with me because they didn't teach English in the Audi home.

Well I think the fact you are striving to be the best version of yourself for your daughter says a lot. Keep on doing that.

And another poster nailed it with "Would I want my child to see me do this?" and "Is this what I'd want my child to do?" Keep that in mind and live by that.

Can you use your past in a positive way? To help others break free of the cycles you got caught up in? Do you have a dream you can work towards? Give your daughter your time, think about how you want her to live her life and live yours that way. As the saying goes "monkey see, monkey do". Your daughter will look up to you, and will learn from your behaviour. The stuff that will matter to her is that you listened when she spoke. If you listen to the important stuff now, even as trivial as it may seem, she will continue to tell you the important stuff as time goes on and she grows up and has adult problems. Listen, hear her. Help her. You never see a thread on here where someone complains because their parents didnt lavish them with expensive gifts and its messed them up. Time and support are what they need. What do you wish your parents had done for you? What do you feel was lacking? What did you long for from your parents as a child? Don't repeat any mistakes from your upbringing if you can avoid it. Good luck. You're doing great to strive to be great.

I hear you. And sometimes staying put is the right thing to do, to be near extended family. All you can do is continue to walk your straight path and live in a way that your daughter (and you) will be proud of. You know she's going to be seeing 'both sides of the street' and it will be up to you, her mother, and your extended families to show her and encourage her to choose the 'sunny side' by being living examples. And by being honest about your own difficult journey and the bad choices you made in the past. It's going to be important that you tell her why the choices you made were so damaging. They hear us, even if we don't think they are listening.

I totally get what you say about a big city being a small town in some ways. Use this to your advantage. Cultivate good people in different areas. This will help you have eyes out as she gets older as well as broaden your own horizons and create more opportunities for you, and for her.

But remember that the 'shady side' can be very enticing to young girls so as she grows, you'll need to watch her friends like a hawk. Even I (a 'guera' from the 'burbs) flirted with it for a short time, dating someone who had 'affiliations' in LA. It's the danger that appeals. Luckily for me it didn't last long because it frankly scared the mierda out of me and I went running back to the 'burbs!

You can do this, mijo. It's not going to be easy. But nothing worthwhile ever is.