What to do when you realise you're an arsehole?

[holymoly678]

My OH is so forgiving of my despicable personality traits. Generally I'm an OK person, I try to look after the family as best possible but pluck things to worry and argue about out of thin air. He's constantly trying to change and adapt and to alleviate my every need but Jesus, why am I this person? Why is it not good enough? I've tried all kinds of therapy and medication and still I can't seem to resist the self (and us) destruct button.
I do plan to pick myself back up after my self indulgent wave of self pity. I just think if it was me and I was my OH I don't think I could've put up with it!

Do you love your partner?

Immensely

Who says your traits are despicable?

Is this just your belief of yourself?

Me.

My behaviour and my thought processes and my urge to argue and sabotage and be negative and jealous. I think they're more than thoughts. They're behaviours. Things I'm doing so that my partner questions his every move and behaviour.

OP don't be alarmed, but look up borderline personality disorder.

Now, don't panic! It comes from a place of trauma and another phrase for it is "I hate you, don't leave me!"

Basically every time there is an abandonment (not being understood, not being heard, being misunderstood, criticised, shamed etc) this sets off a storm of emotion and a row.

Remember, this comes from a place of trauma, not badness.

It can be worked on, if you want to change and it sounds as though you do. Dialectic behaviour therapy, and learning to self soothe (inner talk to parent yourself) and regulate your emotions.

As well as the above, I would simply STOP being an arsehole. Just stop, before you lose someone you love. Learn. Grow up. Put things into place to interrupt your behaviour.

Well, yeah, don't be an arsehole, obvs, but before we jump straight to diagnosing the OP with personality disorders, why dont we first ask the obvious.

OP, how helpful is your partner around the house? Does he do 50/50? Do you get to have a many girls nights out as he has with the boys? Do you get hobbies? Do you get to treat yourself to nice new clothes every once in a while? Do you get to take the same friends holidays he does? Does he ever say things that make you feel bad about your self? Does his behaviour cause you to fear he is cheating on you?

I'm asking these questions because over and over again I've read the same questions "how can I stop being so mean and jealous of my lovely man?" ... then after 5 or 10 pages it turns out he's actually an abusive prat and her radar was so bent she thought he was a gem...and therefore thought that she much be a monster.

Are you taking any hormonal contraceptives?

Oh my god you sound like me. It’s taken me three years to try and change consistently at it, trying, but deep down I’m still a massive cunt. And yes, I am that bad.

Be careful.
You sound rather like me.
Never an intent to hurt or cause issues but insecurity/inability to control when feeling upset, or over-react to things, you may find as I did, that one day it's the straw that broke the camel's back... and you lose them.
My life has not been the same since.
Please dont make the same mistake I did.

What sort of things do you argue about is there a pattern ? Is it the time of the month. You sound like me I have a certain issue I keep bringing up periodically I just can’t seem to stop it so I am recording when I behave like this as I have always has bad pmt but I am awful now

I was doing an arsehole thing to my oh. I said I'm sorry I do this and I want to stop and then I tried really hard and we laughed when I did slip up, and now I don't do it anymore. It was gentle, we were both kind to me. You can try that maybe?

I have to remind myself I have 2 eyes, 2 ears and only 1 mouth and to use them in proportion.
Also: If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all

Would second the hormonal contraception query. I’ve been arsehole most of my life.

Post menopause, I’m actually quite luffley.