Is this acceptable/normal??

[Elenajc86]

I’ve been dating this guy for a few months now we’ve had 5 dates which involved some weekends together. I met him on Tinder.

I really do like him he’s just my type, we get on well, I rarely meet anyone I like, but there’s more than a few red flags already. He’s still messaging a lot of other girls his phone goes off constantly, he’s still on tinder and still receiving messages too. I’ve not checked his phone I literally know this from him showing me a pic on his phone and all this stuff is flashing up. More recently he said that he had booked a holiday last minute with this girl he says is a ‘friend’ and she has pulled out and would I like to come instead. He showed me some pics it looked pretty romantic. So I’m plan B basically. I can’t go I have other commitments anyway. He also goes off the radar for a few days now and again where I don’t hear off him, so I know he’s still seeing other people.

I know it’s early days but is this normal or am I being a total mug here? I’m so confused I know we’ve only just started dating but I came off tinder after a few dates with him and I ignore messages from guys I’m just concentrating on him now. He talked about me being his girlfriend when we had a few drinks. It’s really bothering me that he’s messaging all these women and planning holidays with other girls but I can’t really do anything about it we’re not exclusive he’s not mine? I figure if your into some you just wouldn’t do that?

He told me he’s looking to settle down and have kids nothing casual, it’s definitely not about the sex.

I really don’t want to have the exclusive talk with him I’d feel like I was doing the chasing. I’m not sure whether just to cut ties and call it a day. Or is this just normal now with online dating and social media is this just an acceptable thing I don’t know?

Any advice would be much appreciated thanks

I think you need the exclusivity talk! I'd be pissed off actually.

Honestly? I'd cut ties. At this stage it should be fun and exciting. Not him going off radar for days at a time and going on holiday with other women. All that would make me far away!

run

You need to have the exclusive talk if you don't want things to carry on like this. Then you know where you stand

And if he says he wants to be exclusive and then keeps messaging other girls, end it.

Definitely don't go on the holiday though.

Normal or not, you aren’t happy with it, so don’t worry about what everyone else seems to be doing.

Oh and the fact it is causing this much angst after a few months is a worry too

Hang on, he's flaunting messages?

If you guys are not exclusive, fine, but surely it's ok to have that conversation so you are both on the same page.

He's just being callous really. Is that a personality trait you want in your next partner? You are being tested big time. If you put up with this, then chances are you will put up with a whole lot more in the future. This is the opening act.

I'd run

God no. Stop.

If this is the standard you accept so early on, it'll only get worse. Fuck that noise.

I know it’s early days but is this normal or am I being a total mug here?

Mug.... sorry

I've never come across any good long-lasting relationships arising from Tinder dates. Lots of other decent dating sites to go on. I'd bin this one and join a site with higher standards than simply swiping!

Sounds like he's keeping his options open his actions don't mirror his words:

He talked about me being his girlfriend
He told me he’s looking to settle down and have kids nothing casual, it’s definitely not about the sex.

Vs.

He’s still messaging a lot of other girls
he’s still on tinder and still receiving messages
he had booked a holiday last minute with this girl he says is a ‘friend’ and she has pulled out and would I like to come instead...it looked pretty romantic
He also goes off the radar for a few days now and again where I don’t hear off him, so I know he’s still seeing other people.*

If he's looking to settle down, have kids etc, I don't get the impression he's considering this with you. I suspect he knows this is what you're looking for and knows what to say to keep you hanging on.

It sounds like he's enjoying having a harem of girls at his beck & call, and the 'friend' who cancelled the holiday with him has cottoned on to him.

Yeah I know all you guys are right I just needed it confirming and it’s nice to get a few different perspectives on it!
I’ve had a lot of people say it’s normal to date a few people at the start until you have that talk. It sure doesn’t feel normal. I think your right what you said he’s enjoying the attention and I’m probably someone else just to pass time with 👎🏻

Thanks for the advice

5 dates over a few months? Seems like a slow pace, if i were involved in that id assume it was casual tbh. I think you need to have The Talk for your own sanity but tbh OP i dont hold out much hope of a happy result for you there!

He works offshore I also only use my kid free weekend which I get every other weekend to see him. So we do squeeze in time together when I am available. That’s down to me.

It is normal to see other people at the start of dating. Normally once you start sleeping with each other you have the conversation about whether you are going to carry on seeing other people or not. You should talk to him about your expectations and see if you are on the same page or not.

He could be showing you other messages to see your reaction. Or he could just be a total player. Have you told him you have deleted tinder and are only dating him? What did he say to that?

He could be showing you other messages to see your reaction. Or he could just be a total player.

Either one of those is bad. If he's doing it to get a recation, then he's a childish manipulative shit.

Yeah I told him I had come off tinder but I didn’t say I wasn't dating anyone else. He seemed pretty chuffed about that. He also told me to make sure I behaved when I was out with friends on a night out which was pretty rich ha. We slept together for the first time last time I saw him. I think I just need to call it a day I really like him but it’ll only end in tears with a guy like that.

Sounds like a fuckboy - go with your instincts.

He works off-shore- yeah right.

Run - he is telling you who he is.

He definitely works offshore we FaceTimed the whole time he was out. But yeah I need to go with my instincts and walk away from this one.

Yeah I agree, sounds like a fuckboy with double standards. I think he's actually enjoying taunting you with other women and then to have the audacity to tell you to 'behave' yourself when you go out (this is the start of jealous and controlling behaviour).

Don't ever settle for being plan B or tolerate any man who wants you to do as he says, not as he does.

I made my fair share of mistakes when I was OLD.

I met blokes like your fella many times. Each time I learnt something new.

One of the lessons I learnt was, if it doesnt feel right, it's not. If you feel like you're being taken for a mug, you probably are. Alot of men will say anything for a regular shag and it's pretty pathetic. You're worth more than that.

Be confident in the fact that you deserve better and you deserve someone who treats you right and makes you feel wonderful all the time.

Your all right, I think this was the wake up call I needed! I have just never come across a guy like this before and he’s so matter of fact about it all like it’s the most normal thing ever to be in contact with all these women and then tell me how much he misses me the next minute. Crazy! It’s definitely made me look at him in another light I’m going to find it quite easy to walk away. Thanks everyone