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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating - putting people in boxes

21 replies

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 09/09/2019 17:39

Today I had a conversation with a guy on Tinder. Mid thirties.

I asked him if it was easier finding people to date in London. He said the following -

‘I guess it really depends on what you are looking for. If, for example, you are using Tinder to generate a long term relationship out of thin air, then I’d suggest your efforts are somewhat misplaced’

I understand completely, that the app Tinder was developed initially as a way for people to find casual sex, and have no problem with it.

BUT, what bothers me, is the idea some have that by using tinder, ALL people fall into a box of ‘Tinder Date, casual sex/short term only’.

Are people really so closed minded that they can’t approach people with a ‘let’s see what happens’ attitude? This isn’t the first time I’ve had this kind of conversation and it’s starting to bother me, that people categorise in this way. It feels so binary!

Does anyone else feel this, or am I out on a limb here?

-Disclaimer: I think you can hear the frustration at yet another knobber wasting my time, in this post -

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/09/2019 18:18

I may be misunderstanding you. But if somebody is on Tinder solely to meet people for something casual then you’re unlikely to get them to “see what happens” and decide they actually want a relationship instead: I’m on Tinder solely for casual/FWB connections and anyone who thinks that they can reel me in to anything else by “opening my mind” so we can “see what happens” is going to be sorely disappointed, I’m afraid! You have to trust people to know their own minds and intentions and not think you might be able to change them to what you want them to be.

But there are plenty of people on Tinder looking for more serious relationships - it’s probably half and half that and casual. You just need to be upfront when you date which you’re looking for and that they are too. If people tell you they’re looking for what you aren’t, believe them.

Original poster

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 09/09/2019 18:30

No I take your point, I’m definitely didn’t think that once he’d told me he only saw Tinder women as casual only, that I was going to change his mind.

I’m not of the view that you can make someone have a relationship with you, when that isn’t what they want. But I’ve met some people and as things have progressed, I’ve realised it’s not a long term thing. I’ve met some thinking it won’t go anywhere and it has...

OP posts:

velourvoyageur · 09/09/2019 18:59

Sorry but he sounds like a pompous arse (maybe indeed he‘s not found anyone on the app wanting anything LT with him) and no not everyone thinks like him!

NameChangeNugget · 09/09/2019 19:08

My perception of tinder is a hook up site. I don’t think you can lambast him for his opinion.

Onemansoapopera · 09/09/2019 20:36

Its no different than meeting someone on a night out . You'll either get off with each other that night, or another night or never. (I married my tinder date so .. )

Highandlow · 10/09/2019 11:35

Well he is no loss. I think some people don’t see tinder as a legit way to meet someone for a relationship , but I certainly know people that have .

Otterhound · 10/09/2019 12:04

I didn't like Tinder. So many of the women on there didn't even bother with a profile and the more attractive they were the less likely they were to have one!
So i just came to view it as vanity central and swiped on virtually no one.!

Onemansoapopera · 10/09/2019 12:29

That's interesting @otter as the lack of profile was exactly what I liked about tinder. It seemed very honest and forthright. It was almost like seeing someone across a crowded room who you fancied the look of and taking it from there , like the old days. You can find out that you like red wine and cosy nights in watching box sets just as much as going out for meals when you get talking (everyone says the same anyway!!) 😆

Onemansoapopera · 10/09/2019 12:32

The conversation would surely have to go... "We both still have Tinder on our phones so shall we both remove it now or do you want to stay on it? " OP you've no moral high ground at all here.

Original poster

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 10/09/2019 12:34

Onemansoapopera, was your second comment meant for someone else?

OP posts:

Onemansoapopera · 10/09/2019 12:38

No it was kind of general I guess actually, sorry if it sounded terse.

Onemansoapopera · 10/09/2019 12:39

Oh sorry yes I see what you mean now, wrong thread apologies

Original poster

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 10/09/2019 13:17

Otterhound - I have a short bit of info. Friendly, says where I live. No guy ever reads it. Honestly. No one.

OP posts:

Otterhound · 10/09/2019 13:58

I used to...... but i might have been a minority. !

There is no question though, there are a lot of strange people out there!

merryhouse · 10/09/2019 14:34

But he's not putting you in a box, is he?

He's on Tinder looking for a hookup, because that's what Tinder's for. If he wanted a relationship he'd be looking somewhere else. Not because people on Tinder aren't worthy of a relationship, but because he assumes that it's not what they're looking for.

Onemansoapopera · 10/09/2019 14:55

@merryhouse explain please how me and my Tinder date are five years together and two years married 🤔 you might be generalising just a tad.

Original poster

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 10/09/2019 17:06

Two of my close friends have gotten married in the last year, to people they met on tinder 🤔

OP posts:

sonjadog · 10/09/2019 17:13

I used Tinder and Bumble a few years ago. Tinder was very clearly much more of a ONS kind of site. I know a few couples who have met there too, but I think they were in a minority.

Mimithemouse · 10/09/2019 17:56

I'm a 'let's see what happens' person too, and can't understand the men I've spoken to online, who before they even meet you make it clear they only want a casual thing and that's all they use the app for. Then there are others who are talking about serious relationships and whether you would want anymore children as soon as you start a chat with them?

Original poster

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 10/09/2019 18:15

YES mimi.

So relieved some people see from the same viewpoint.

Thank you for all of your comments though, all opinions welcome.

OP posts:

Asta19 · 10/09/2019 18:27

My DD is 28 and she was using Tinder and the guy she met definitely wanted a relationship. She actually came off it as she wasn’t looking for anything serious! I think originally it was a “hook up” app but it has evolved over time. Now I think it’s more 50/50. I respect people who are honest about what they’re looking for. My issue with any dating app (and why I came off them) is people saying they are “open” to dating but then after they have hooked you in, trying to convert to FWB. To me “FWB” is not a relationship status. If I wanted that I would be clear about it. To me it’s also a downgrade then. Like they’re saying I was open to a relationship with you, but I’ve actually decided your now worth nothing more than sex. Not exactly great for feelings of self worth!

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