Help me understand Gaslighting

[Wond3rment]

Hi there

Can you help you understand gaslighting? I fear that someone close to me may be a victim of gaslighting but before I have any conversation or ask what help they may need I really want to ensure I actually understand the term in ‘plain English’.

Can you give me some examples of gaslighting? What does it look or sound like? I appreciate that I may sound insensitive to any MN that has or is experiencing this is a relationship - it’s not my intent to upset.

Thank you

I think it is a form of manipulation where one person leads another to believe that they are effectively losing their mind?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation than can leave the victim questioning their own reality or doubting their version of events.
It can be very subtle or really really obvious.
For example my ex used to pretend I hadn't told him about important events or nights out I had planned which would inevitably end in a row and me missing out on whatever plans I'd made.
At the beginning I put it down to simple forgetfulness, or doubting I had told him, however he never forgot anything that he wanted to do.
That's just one example but there were many! The most obvious ones were saying something and then in the next breath completely denying he'd said it all. It really is tortuous.

These are a couple of examples my abusive husband does/did:

I will see something with my own eyes that he has done that he shouldn't have. Like messages to other women. He will totally deny it was him, totally deny that there even were any messages or even tell me it must have been me that set up the account and messaged the women.

When caught doing something he shouldn't be like being on dating apps, messaging other women sexually or something similar, when I kick off about it he will turn it around onto me and say that I am the weirdo for having a problem with it and how it's totally normal and nothing wrong with it and as an adult he can do whatever he wants and I'm being controlling.

When his past wrongdoings are ever brought up he just totally denies they've ever happened. Says that I just make stuff up to make out as though he's going mad?! Erm nope, that's exactly what he's doing when he does the above!

I'll give an example from work. I was new in a job. I was asked to demonstrate a skill. Part of the skill involves maintaining safety throughout the activity (vague). In order to do that, I put a piece of equipment in easy reach to put a used item into. Whilst I was looking down, my new manager moved that equipment, so I had no choice but to carry the item to another place, which was unsafe. She then reminded me of the need to perform activities safely.

Now, because I'm not chronically gaslighted, I knew that I had done what I did, then by extension, what she did. I chose not to acknowledge it and simply apologised, saying I would bear it in mind for the future. I also logged her behaviour in my mind, so she never had that opportunity again. But, if I was subject to that sort of behaviour frequently, I could have questioned my memory, whether I had actually done the right thing initially, whether I was forgetting what happened, etc.

I'm glad I saw this thread as I've always found it hard to find specific examples. Thank you for opening up my eyes..

Examples I've witnessed my dad do to my mum

Saying something then denying he said it

Not telling her something eg that he'd made an appointment for a repair in the house but then claiming he did tell her

Moving her stuff so she thought she'd lost keys etc when she has specific places she puts things so she doesn't lose them

Eating/drinking/using things she bought specifically for herself or someone else and then denying doing so and hiding any packaging - additional stirring if it were something mum had been asked by someone else to get and making them think mum had forgotten or eaten/drank/used herself

Cancelling appointments/arrangements she made for no reason and not telling her

Telling her the wrong info for appointments deliberately

Telling her people had said nasty things about her which they hadn't

Throwing out letters about important appointments/arrangements so she ended up missing them

By a former boss to me:

Not passing on phone messages or passing on incorrect info

Deleting work I had done on the company network

Changing work I had done so there were errors in it

(Towards the end of my time there I started emailing completed work to my personal email as a backup which was against company policy but I felt the need to protect myself)

Throwing away my cups of tea and putting the mug back on my desk but denying even being near my desk

Moving trivial items about on my desk so I struggled to find them

"Losing" files to make it look like I'd misfiled/lost them (again towards the end I enlisted a willing colleague as a "witness" to when I put a file back in the cabinet, also she witnessed that the file contained full content)

Agreed days off and didn't record them then claimed I just plain didn't turn up! (I cottoned onto that one pretty quickly and didn't bank on a day off unless I had both electronic and hard copy confirmation. At first I thought she was just "flaky" on stuff like this)

I left eventually things if you can believe it got worse than this and one day I basically snapped and took all my personal stuff and I never went back.

Hope you can support your friend to get away from whoever is doing this to them it's fucking horrible!

Why is it called gaslighting?

The term comes from an old play in which the husband did this to the wife - one example being he literally dims the gas lights but insists he hasn't and basically implies she's seeing things.

This came from an old play about a man who convinces his wife that shes mad. If also happens in the girl on the train where the ex DH as convinced emily blunt that she's an embarrassing out of control drunk who cost him his job. He then uses this as an excuse for physical and emotional abuse. She had a drink problem but he had entirely made up a lot of the events. My ex bf did this when I realised he had a drink problem. I found a loose bottom to kitchen cabinet and the underneath was literally full of bottles. I cut myself on one so asked him to figure out how to safely remove his stash. He denied they were ever there, cleared them away when I went out and then said I had no evidence. No except my own memory!