In a committed relationship, but in love with another man

[bluebell64]

Hello everyone.

I have nobody to share my pain and I need to take this off my chest.

I am in a committed relationship with my partner for nearly 5 years now, unfortunately my circumstances were such that I had to move to another city 200 miles away from him. During all that time we have been travelling to see each other once or twice a month, until we started having plans to live together and I needed to finish my foundation year at the university in order for me to transfer to another one...I also have a 5 year old daughter from a previous relationship, but she is not in a contact with her dad due to child safety purposes.

My daughter absolutely adores my partner and he is very good to her, throughout the time we lived apart he was nothing but supportive of me and I have zero reasons to complain.
So the time of me moving to his city was approaching, until I screw things up 2 months before I moved in with him.

I met a man who works at the local council and we become close, I was happy that I had the chance to socialise, as I missed going out, trying to maintain a job, full time studying and being a good mom.
One night my parents took my daughter for a sleepover and I decided to go out for a drink with this man, I will not lie I have always felt some attraction to him, but I thought that was normal, giving my long distance relationship. My friend knew I was in a relationship, I was never hiding it from him and at the time all I wanted was to just talk to someone. I will spare the rest of the details but we ended up in bed and that was the biggest mistake I have ever done in my lifeThe pain is killing me every day, but worse thing of all is that we both started having feelings for each other.

Every time we met I wanted to talk about the situation, we ended up in bed, the attraction was growing and growing more and more and the emotional connection was something none of us ever felt before. But we both knew that we could not maintain that, while I am in a relationship with someone else, he knew I was about to move out of that city and made me choose between him and my partner. I am not going to try and excuse myself, I knew I was guilty in any way shape or form, I should have never let thing go that far, I couldn't eat, sleep or function properly, I stared experiencing panic attacks, as he started pushing me to choose, I felt under pressure so much and suddenly the day that I had to move out of my flat felt like some creepy deadline I had to keep.

I took the decision to work on my relationship and told my partner about what happened, although he was shocked, he said he understands and we will go through this together and understandably I had to stop contact with the other man...
And so the day came and I moved out of my flat and I now live with my partner, he behaves like nothing has happened, but I am now in a situation where I am desperately trying to forget, but the more I try, the more panic attacks I get. The other man said he is still in love with me and kept challenging my decision, saying that I made the wrong decision and deleted me from his social media and told me he cannot witness to watch how I demolish myself and my heart's true wishes.

To a present day I cannot explain to myself what happened, I feel so confused and broken, I love my partner and promised I would never leave him, literally me and my daughter are the only family he has, but I am still in love with this other person, the pain is so unbearable and I feel like I can't move on. Every time I look at my partner, I see a reflection of my own guilt and the tension is my body is killing me.

It was the pressure and the fact that I didn't know that guy that well, so I didn't know if it was the right decision to follow my heart for somebody I don't know that well, or stay with the person who was always there for me.
I can't stop crying and blaming myself, I lost weight and feel like I am going to get a heart attack. Any advice on how to help myself to move on will be highly appreciated, I know people will criticise me and I deserve it.

I am very sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language.

You need to end the relationship with your partner. It’s not fair on either of you. Don’t prolong the situation.

Don’t go leaping into this other mans arms. If you want to see him then date him for a while.

CatPunsFreakMeowt , thank you for your reply.

I understand it is not fair on neither of us, I was hoping things to settle when we move in together and start everything clear, but it's now worse.

Unfortunately financially I am put in a vulnerable situation, as me and my daughter live in his house and if I end the relationship, we will have nowhere to go. It boggles my mind how all this happened, I was in love with my partner and could never imagine to love anyone else. I'm hoping to eventually heal as things are still fresh, but I feel like this will never happen

You’re not happy .... life is too short and it would be only fair to allow your partner to move on with his life whilst he can

If you were in love with your partner you would not have fallen for this other man.

Do not stay with someone just for security and comfort though.

I have been in a similar situation and I have been told the grass is not always greener on the other side.

I have given you a few points but in reality only you can decide.

Sort yourself out financially and leave. You are basically using your current partner for money and somewhere to live.

Leave him so he can find someone who is in love with him as much as you are in love with your other bloke.

It's only fair.

Unfortunately financially I am put in a vulnerable situation, as me and my daughter live in his house and if I end the relationship, we will have nowhere to go

Well, here's something we see quite often in threads where a woman has cheated on her husband or partner. Doesn't love them but is staying with them because they can't afford to move out.

TOUGH.

You made a choice. You cheated on your partner, a partner whom your daughter adores. He took you back but you still love this other bloke. Yet you're staying with him for his money.

So, not only do you cheat on him, but you're using him financially.

What a catch you are.

I wonder what your feelings for 'other man' actually are. I wonder if it's all heightened emotions and drama - rather than deep and enduring love - due to the fact you were in another relationship and this one was 'forbidden'. Whether, if you'd met him when not in another relationship, you might have got together and enjoyed it, but not actually fallen for him in such a big way.

What you've done is shitty, no doubt about it. I wonder if what you're feeling for OM is infatuation rather than love, and I'd wonder if it would last. Also you are wallowing in guilt and self-recrimination. This = lots of high emotion but not necessarily love (been there, got the T shirt by the way).

Only you can decide what to do. I think that you shouldn't throw over your long-term partner without very long thought. Also, you mustn't use him, and never, ever break his heart again if you do stay together.

Why are you still in touch with an OM, and why do you believe it when he says he still loves you?

You have been given a second chance with your primary relationship (something that most cheaters do not get), and you sound he'll-bent on pissing it away.

Which says loud and clear to me that you need to end your primary relationship.

Ideally you would then live a single life for a while, so you can get this sorry mess behind youn(because the OM doesn't sound great tbh). But I suspect you will be straight back with him.

End your relationships with both men.
Prioritise your child and your studies.
Your pain will pass. Your heart's true wishes will settle elsewhere, and quickly if you don't feed your pain.

This other guy is not a good man.
A good man woukd have put you in a taxi home, not took you to his home.

You have connected with this other guy sexually, no wonder you feel all over the place.

Stop meditating on it, you are working yourself up.

How was your parents relationship?
Might be some old patterns playing out.

Refer yourself to CBT and starr giving your relationship the attention it deserves.

Thank you all for commenting.

I just wanted to add that before moving in with my partner I have always been self-sufficient, obviously moving to another big city is a big step and it will take me time to settle, my partner knew that and before we took that step I wanted to be honest with him about what happened, I did not lie to him in any way or sponge from him.
My question was more about how to move on and whether I will ever heal from all that, I just needed to share somewhere and it is hurtful to read how people think I am doing something deliberate to benefit myself financially, but I do understand that it may look like that.

If a fairy godmother gave you £1million, would that make your decision to leave the partner you live with easier?

If he found out that you are still in touch with OM, how would he react?

You sound very confused.

Dare I say this - was the sex much better with the other man? Is he more your physical type than your partner? Was the sex ever good with your partner?

Although I think the cheating was a horrible thing to do, you at least told your partner. Fair play to you. But now you are being unfair to him and to yourself. I think deep down you know that you are no satisfied with your current partner and if it hadn't been that particular other man, eventually it would have been someone else? That you're settling in some way. I think if you REALLY loved and adored your partner and had a wonderful connection in EVERY way - mentally, emotionally, spiritually and sexually - that you would not have even entertained the thought of sleeping with another man.

It was a mistake to move to him, despite the affection between him and your daughter. I think eventually it is going to fall apart, he will realise you don't love truly him... you're not in love with him... and there is not enough glue to keep you together. I think you would inevitably meet someone else wherever you are. This is about you and your feelings for your partner are not what they should be. Stop fooling yourself and him.

Go home. Be alone. Go back to your routine. Maybe see this other man. Maybe not. But the person you are with is not your life partner.

I am confused... are there two Bluebells?

Gemma1971 yes, sorry I posted from an old profile of mine.

And no I'm not in touch with the other guy, we stopped contact.