Would you write a letter to someone you were unhappy with?

[Gone2far]

Or would you phone or email? My relationship with a family member isn't running smoothly, but we have little time alone together to talk about it face to face. I'd like to know what other medium other posters would use to try and sort this out.

Absolutely do not. Take it from me. It backfired enormously and 25 years later I am the one being scapegoated and it was brought up by MY CHILDREN (who were not even born then) as an example of my horribleness. Do not do it!

It takes an extremely rare, self aware person to be open to criticism. The majority of us experience shame, defend ourselves instinctively and the sitution gets worse.

I noticed how, when the relatives told my children of the vile actions of their mother, there was not an ounce of self examination of their part to play. They were just the victims, 30 years later.

And the children were told, even after I had apologised for my part to play (several times). All we can do is take responsibility for ourselves. We cannot change others, so don't try!

The best thing you can do, is to look at what they do that upsets you, ask yourself whether it is any of your business or none of your business (the above situation I describe was NONE OF MY BUSINESS I was being triangulated and I should never have got involved) and when you have worked that part of the puzzle out? Set calm and firm boundaries in the face of what is your business (their personal treatment of you).

But if it is about favouritism or unfair treatment or inheritance or any of the relative type things that come up? Zip it. They won't hear you, will get angry, will recruit others and it all escalates.

Try sitting down and talking with them?

No.

My mother over the years has written me lengthy letters explaining how unhappy she is with me. Just makes me hate her even more every time. I feel it’s a nasty, bullying thing to do. I get that might not be your intention but it’s how I interpret it. Same for emails.

Phone convo slightly better as it gives the other person the chance to tell you to fuck off and put the phone down I guess, or have an adult two way conversation and put their side across as well.

Phone or wait until I saw them in person.

Depends what you want. Unless the letter is an apology with no justification of your behaviour then it’ll be badly received.

If you want a dialogue you’ll need to talk. If it’s important make time and space for it.

Sort what out, if it's running smoothly?
If it's an old issue, there's no point.
If it's an ongoing issue, it's better to address it when it happens, or shortly after.

Nobody likes to hear whatever they're doing wrong. Most people get very defensive.
And it's very difficult to convey tone in a written letter. At least in a conversation people are able to react and clarify things immediately.
And if it's the type of person who refuses to engage in a meaningful discussion, then why bother having more than a superficial relationship with them? Just meet, greet, leave.

Make time.

Lweji
OP says it not running smoothly, that’s the point.

Thank you all very much.
It's helped clarify my thinking and I'll try and work out a way of doing it face to face.

OP says it not running smoothly, that’s the point.
Ups, so sorry. Still half asleep, it seems.

Ignore that part.

No probs. I agree with all your advice. 🙂

Another vote for "no".

Once wrote a letter / email to my wife in all good faith, but was not at all well received.

Nah.

If you’re at the stage where you feel the need to get it all out in a letter I’d say the recipient probably isn’t going to take it as useful. It’s a very intense thing to do and rarely are relationships that have deteriorated to that extent improved by a huge feelingsdump.

Plus it’s kinda... demanding? I feel. To expect the person to sit and take on board a huge chunk of your feelings all in one go without being able to digest it at their own pace, respond to each point, it’ll feel like an attack. It’s more about you than the recipient or resolving anything.

Definitely have a conversation in person. Or write the letter but burn it.

Sending letters like this is very rarely a good idea. It will get the recipients back up and make you look crazily intense.

I have written letters a couple of times to people I'm quite close to but have been having difficulties with. I've found it helps to clarify the issues as I can explain things really clearly without becoming emotional, which is what happens if I try and do it face to face. You have the advantage of reading it through, deleting parts you're not happy with, not going off on a tangent etc. I don't understand why everyone seems to think it's a terrible idea!