unacceptable views of DH's friend

[Nicola63]

Hi

I was just wondering what other people would do in this situation. I've been very upset, my DH and I practically never argue and this has caused rather a rift. I feel bad about my own behaviour but also angry.

Basically, an old friend of DH's came to stay for the weekend. I had not met him before. I was hospitable, made everything nice, I took him out to dinner on Friday night (he did not even offer to pay but I disregarded that). On Saturday it was nice and warm, the three of us had a barbeque and we all had a few drinks. We were all talking and this man then starts to freely express totally unacceptable and extremely bigoted opinions (rememember this man does not know me at all, or what my views on anything might be). I am afaid I got angry with him and told him that I found what he was saying unacceptable. I was probably pretty rude. I wasn't drunk but had had a few and was a little disinhibited.

DH was furious with me that I could be so rude to a guest in our home. I am embarrassed to admit that I then got angry with DH too and we had an argument in front of this man.

They went out to the pub while we all cooled down, I joined them later and we did not refer to it again until after the man left the next day. DH then told me he was really pissed off with me.

I agreed that arguing with DH in front of company (and some really nasty things I said too) was out of line, and I have apologised profusely for that. I feel terribly embarrassed about it. But I don't want to apologise for being angry about the conmvresation and standing up for my views.

What do other people think? What would you have done?

I would have said something too, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, including you. How is it right that DHs friend can spout his opinions but you can't? If I find someone is being offensive I will tell them that I disagree with their views. It is then up to them if they wish to defend them.

a good way to deal with people who spout shit like this in a social situation is to pretend that you think they are joking. so they say something and you reply' oh jack(or whatever) you are so funny! what's scary though is that some idiots actually believe that kind of tripe!' accompanied by a nice brittle laugh!

religion,politics and other heated points of contention such as death penalty or abortion debates rarely change peoples opinions at the best of times and that is when the debates are civil and well informed. when started on a confrontational note they will almost always descend into a slanging match. as he was your husbands guest while you should not agree with him by any means if you disagree with his beliefs i think a curt reply and a biting of the tongue would be in order just to keep the peace. (unless he was getting truely hate filled and ranting himself)
the problem with these situations is when someone, like him, is so casual about their biggoted shit and you let it wind you up so that you let fly with a tirade of your own.it is you that ends up looking like the agressor and one with a problem.

That is exactly what happened! I ended up looking like a crazy person while he no doubt thought (and still thinks I am sure) that he was just making ordinary conversation and was thoroughly perplexed by my reaction. He didn't try to "defend his views", I don't think he was aware that there was anything to defend. He just looked totally confused that someone (an uppity woman too) was making such a fuss about something he couldn't see.

exactly.that's why i just bite my tongue in such situations. unless the mood is there for an informed reasonable debate on such issues (e.g dinner/drinks where it is brought up for the point of debate) you will just end up looking like a tightly strung psycho who has flipped the lid inexplicably, because the other person is making casual throw away references while you are getting worked up with moral outrage.happened at a friend of my gf's house the other day. they started discussing something in an informal way, in my mind they were just swallowing the tabloid/sky news line of argument on the issue (e.g. bullshit) but since they were doing so informally for me to start bombarding them with alternative sources and facts would have made me look like the crazy person for getting so worked up about a throw away comment.so i just left it and the topic changed within seconds.

I agree, thinking about rationally it now, but also there are some completely unacceptable words and views that just wave a red rag in front of me. Next time I would hope to go with the short biting comment, leaving the room for a while to cool down and being unenthusiastic about ever having the man around again.

I think.