What will I do? Help please.

[iloveshittelly]

Nc for this. Myself and my DH split up some time ago. We've never divorced. I bought my own tiny property. He rents. His home is much nicer than mine. He is rubbish with money, spends everything he earns and is in a lot of debt. He doesn't mind being in debt. I'm better with money, like to save and don't have a lot of debt. We got back together a few years ago and things have been great. We get on much better and have learned to argue in a much better way than we used to. I would like to retire and look after my grandchildren but I have a tiny pension so can't afford it. He would like us to live together and says if we did I could work part time and have my pension. But I don't want to live in a rented property so his idea is that I sell my property and use the equity (about 80k) to put a deposit down and buy the property he lives in. This would also pay his debts off which would leave more disposable income to do the house up. He's well paid so he would pay the mortgage and all the bills and I would live off my pension and try and get a part time job.

But, I'm scared in case it doesn't work out again. I'd be left with nothing. I'm old so have less than 10 years of working to go. What would you do?

His home is much nicer than mine. He is rubbish with money, spends everything he earns and is in a lot of debt. He doesn't mind being in debt.

Re-read your description of him re money and then what you have written about your attitude to money and debt.

There are absolutely no guarantees that you won't end up with shared debt. You will lose your independence and lose the control you currently have over your own finances. How can you (or he, for that matter) guarantee he would pay the mortgage?

The arrangement he is proposing requires you to sell your safety net and put money into a property for him. Your property may not be as flashy as his but it is all yours.

I would want a watertight legal financial agreement in place to protect my assets if I were in your position... but you have not had anything positive to say about his attitude to money and debt and I would suggest that you are incompatible on that front.

You have no guarantee either, that you could work part-time nor that he would step up to ensure you had a good pension.

I understand why what he is proposing might sound a reasonable proposition but he has far less to lose than you do - it would be beneficial to him.

Just think - he is renting the property he aspires to, wants to own it but all the jeopardy is on you. He didn't find a home he could afford? You say he is well-paid? So what? He is not a safe bet.

You and he may be getting on better but that could be because you live separately (and maybe money and debt were issues in your marriage; issues which you don't have now you live apart).

Or it could be because he's playing the long game and presenting himself in the best possible light to make you believe you could live together again in order to get his hands on your financial asset!

How would that be a better way to live than when you lived together before? I think you would find being in such close day in day out proximity to him AND financially tethered to him along with his 'casual' attitude to money would not the safe haven of security he is describing or that you would hope for.

I understand you'd like to retire, have time to help your family and a better pension - it just sounds so risky...

I know I have wittered on and on but I wouldn't you using YOUR capital to pay off HIS debt sane...
He earns good money but spends it all when he could be paying off his debt???

Has he got a pension (that he hasn't cashed in)? If you got divorced you would likely be entitled to some of his pension pot. I think you need to get some decent legal advice.

Thanks for the reply @Mousetolioness. Things have moved on since I wrote that. He's been looking at houses to buy by himself because I wouldn't make a decision. I'll see what happens with that.

No. No. No.

Your security first, especially as your so close to retirement.