Help. Narc Dp break up!

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

I have told my do I don't trust him, I think he cheated and I'm not happy after 10 years of on and off bullying.
The messages I'm getting from him are evil.
I'm being called a cunt, a liar, a fantasist, I've ruined his life. To get out of the house.
I'm too tired for this, he just cannot see his wrong doings.

What was and is your plan? And no, him realising the error of his ways and being different, wasn’t a plan.

The diagnosis of narcissism on MN is reaching epidemic proportions .

Sounds pretty normal behaviour for an acrimonious breakup unforeseen by one party. Why try to complicate it with some armchair diagnosis?

Focus on the practicalities. If you live together, do you co-own or have a joint tenancy? If he won’t leave then perhaps you’ll have to. Are there any DC? Are there finances to be split? This is the important and necessary stuff, not trying to convince him he’s in the wrong or must be a narcissist.

Narcissists are evil, this is just the beginning! Watch out he will get revenge and he will not care about what happens to you! Narcissists never do anything wrong so be ready to be blamed for everything! Do you have somewhere to go?

I don't think I'm armchair diagnosing, I have been emotionally and verbally abused for years and he has no empathy whatsoever, yet he is so thin skinned.
Yes @Username22344 he can be vindictive, I need to break away but he won't allow me to, he will do anything to keep his life on an even keel.

@Fuckmyliferightnow people who haven’t been with a narcissist don’t understand us! We are bullied, humiliated, put down all the time, the verbal abuse is horrible, we feel useless and doubt ourselves, it’s a lonely place to be and so hard to get out! Unfortunately after you leave him won’t get much better as you will feel confused and he will try to destroy you!

But the point is that your focus should be ending the relationship and sorting out the practicalities of separating yourself and moving in, not trying to get him to see his wrongdoings. That way madness lies - and all you’ll end up doing is getting yourself more embroiled in pointless shit.

I’ve been in abusive relationships, I’m not talking from the outside of a special club. I know it’s difficult to untangle and get away. But the turning point is the point at which you tell yourself that, you know what, you don’t care whether he believes it’s all his fault or not and aren’t going to bother getting him to see it. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you leave.

what do you want help with?

he just cannot see his wrong doings

If you believe him to be a narcissist than you know it isn’t because he can’t see but rather that he just doesn’t care.

The problem is that you still expect him to be something he isn’t and you’ll never break free with that mindset. You have and always have had options, staying and hoping that there’s a better version of him is just a futile one.

The balls in your court, not his.

He is going from pleading, to nasty insults and saying fuck you, to being lovely and complimenting me, he doesn't care about my happiness and trying to manipulate me into staying. I can't do anymore tip toeing around him.

To who asked what I want help with, I want to talk. I'm being tortured!

Honestly, the best help right now is advice on how to get him out of your life.
Whose name is the house in, and is it rented or bought?
Do you have any DC with him?
Do you have shared finances?

You do not need his permission or his co-operation to dump him. If you have DC together, you will have to manage contact between them and him, and if you share a mortgage you will have to negotiate the sale of the house or one of you buying the other out. If you have neither of these things, you can dump him and never have to see him again - if he tries to pursue you, you will be able to get a corder to keep him away.

@ReanimatedSGB children, owned house in joint names, not married.

I can't stand the guilt he's making me feel, I feel responsible for ripping the family apart, I'm trying to put my happiness first for a change but I'm not being allowed to.

Never mind what he thinks or says. He's an inadequate little man who behaves abusively because it makes him feel less of a loser.
Contact Women's Aid, get recommendations for a solicitor; work out whether it's best to get him our or leave with the DC, make plans and then take action. Remember, whatever he wants or claims to want does not matter: if he can't behave himself you can block him right out of your life and have all communications regarding children/finances via a third party. In the meantime, while you are sorting out the practicalities, treat him with calm indifference. If he becomes aggressive to the point you are afraid of violence call the police.

I would take myself to a solicitor. You know he isn’t going to be reasonable so you will probably need to sell house as you aren’t married.

The change of mood / behaviour is nothing but just to get what he wants

OP I've had seven years of it.....it feels like torture now but will shift to being a source of mild irritation.

Thank your lucky stars you don't have kids with the cunt and block.

We do have kids.

I came home tonight to a reasonable, lovely, helpful partner. He is back to being super nice and patient, offering me space.
Lost count of how many times we've been here. I just want to cry.

It's just a temporary act OP, give him a week and he'll revert to type.

You can either put up with his shit for the rest of your life or end it because people like that don't change.....been there done that.

I don't want to end like his mum, who lives with a bully also.