DH in denial.

[Thewayforward]

Evening...

Just asking for others points of view and reassurance that I am not going mad.

Here goes, h has long history of heavy drinking. After a particularly bad spell and I mean bad spell 2 years ago he admitted he was an alcoholic and sought help.

Fast forward to now. I have noticed that he has once again been coming home from work having obviously been drinking. When questioned, I get a blank response and told I am imagining it. Today eldest child phoned, whilst I was at work, to once again say he had obviously been drinking. Out came the test strips. He duly did this and came back positive for alcohol. His response was 'what a load of bollocks'. I therefore did one too. Surprise surprise mine came back negative. Now passed out on sofa. Why deny when do obvious??

Really had enough. Working my nuts off to provide for my family and kids but feel I am being treated like a mug.

Not sure what to say but it sounds like an awful situation to be in, I don't think people like this ever really change xx

So sorry to read this. Sadly you have no control over his drinking and there is nothing you can do to change his relationship with alcohol. The only thing you can control is your life choices. I would advise you assume this is how he will always be and decide if you want to put up with it or would be better off long term without him in your lives. It may well be that you leaving gives him the kick up the arse he needs. But threats won’t do it. You need to have a plan and a timetable and start implementing. Perhaps ask your child/ children what they think too. It sounds as they too are fed up with it. Lots of love.

What sort of help did he seek some time back?.

You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. He is not going to change and you are going to have to change how you react to him.

Where is your own support here; have you as yet contacted Al-anon?. You need to get off the merry go around as well because your own recovery from this will only properly start when you are apart. Alcoholism is not known as the family disease for nothing either; you are profoundly affected by this and in turn so are your children who are seeing all of this and certainly pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken here. You're also playing the usual roles that such spouses play; those of codependent partner, enabler and provoker because you never forget.

Alcoholics as well are masters of denial and they will keep on denying they have a problem. You cannot help him ultimately and you can only help your own self.

BTW did you grow up seeing alcoholism and or parents that drank to excess yourself?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what do you think they are learning here from you two?>
What do you want your kids to remember about their childhoods?. You as their mother worrying about his drinking all the time, your children noticing dad is pissed again and you giving him alcohol test strips?. Some legacy that is indeed - NOT - to be leaving them.

And no you are not going mad but this whole situation at home is dysfunctional and will remain so as long also as you remain any part of it.

As I said, you can only help your own self here. He does not want your help or support (and as his wife you are far too close to be of any real assistance, not that he wants your help or support anyway).

Hard as it is to read you need to read this article too:-
www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/68440-alcoholism-tragic-three-act-play-there-least-4-characters-1-a.html

Last time he engaged with our local recovery service, took the meds the gp prescribed and did really well.

I do not really have any support. I am hoping to go to my local al anon meeting this week.

At moment I am trying to get everything in place so that I can financially manage in the future. I am lucky in the respect that I could be financially OK if I put the work in.

I have never been around alcoholism before. My parents never drank nor do my siblings.

My children think the sun shines out of his backside. When he is not drunk he is a very productive and loving person but when drunk frankly he is useless.

I guess I have tried for so long to keep the pretence of a happy family but slowly losing the battle. I am scared of the unknown future but know that at the age of 41 this is not something I can endure for the rest of my life.

So stop pretending, OP. Don’t pretend to the kids that daddy is this wonderful father/partner when he’s pissed. He’s not. Do you want out?