Losing friends during divorce

[waytheleaveswork]

Last year I left my DH (together a long time, married for 3 years). I had been diagnosed with severe clinical depression and after leaving him, realised he had become psychologically abusive and I was scared of him. I left the flat we had just bought with one suitcase, all my documents, and no plan,

I have worked my ass off to do all the right things - long term therapy, instructed a solicitor, left group chats and facebook groups with him in it. I have spent the past year putting my life back together and living with my parents, and I am happy again.

When I realised that he had been abusive towards me, I freaked out and told all my friends (who had also become his friends). However I have kept the full extent of the trauma hidden, choosing to focus on different things when with friends. He, on the other hand, is 'the nice guy' and tells everyone that I am ill and he is the poor abandoned husband (textbook, I know).

My closest friends have been spectacular, but lots of those shared friends are torn I think. He gets to go to all the group events as he is in the group chats and I feel that these shared friends are almost resentful that I have split up our lovely social circle.

I know I should ignore it, focus on my wonderful friends who have held me together, but sometimes the grief and the unfairness of it really, really stings. My therapist says to be patient and see what happens over the next couple of years, but it's hard.

Anyone been in the same boat? Do I fight for them, or accept that friends are a small price to pay for my freedom?

Thanks if you got this far!

I really feel for you I’m in the same boat. I left my DH he was controlling in every way possible. I was cast as the bad person how could I do this to him all he does for me. (I kept the abuse and all his affairs hidden as I was ashamed I couldn’t make my marriage work) those close friends to me stuck by me those who sided with him are now seeing the real him. I just kept my head high didn’t put nothing on social media. Your therapist is right and those who now want to crawl back I don't want to know as they were not there when needed and decided to judge me. Your true friends will stick around

I'm 2 years out, and I lost maybe 7 friends who believed his tales that I'd flipped and was divorcing him "for no reason" rather than the (verified by Police and Women's Aid) documented domestic abuse.
No loss. If they believe his story, let them go. You can make new, more discerning friends.

It's crazy isn't it, how far people will go to ignore evidence if it doesn't suit their beliefs about a person.

Originally - I think my problem is that they believe me, and they believe him. Because he genuinely believes he is the wronged party and they haven't been treated badly by him. Did you have any joint friends who managed to support you both?

No joint friends could sustain both friendships due to cognitive dissonance. They either believed me or him.
My daughter's godparents have never publicly come down on either side, but have expressed shock at his behaviour and are vehemently supportive of their godchild.

In my first marriage I lost all my friends because my friends were married or partnered with his friends. I was the one who chose to leave so think I was seen as the baddie. Very sad really but sadly peopke do take sides, especially when it involves their friendships too . I am pretty sure he told a tidy tale, some of which was deserved but undoubtedly one sided

My ex had a lot of friends who became mine. When we divorced I lost them all. I didn't bother fighting and none came to see if I was ok. But times move on and I've got new friends.
The true story over time will come out because people love gossip. Just know who tell the right story to who will pass it on to who you need to hear it.

Generally people don't 'choose' to take sides, it just becomes pretty unsustainable to remain friends with both parties. What do you do when you are having people round ? Do the event twice so you can invite one to one the the other to the re-run ?
It's best to look forwards and not back.

This happened to me with my fiancée. I’d made friends with all of his friends and partners of his friends. We were together for years. He had an affair and dumped me. I lost my home and all of my friends! I had to start again from scratch. It was a huge wake up call for me and let it be a warning to everyone reading. Do not over invest in couple friendships. Always keep your own friends who do not socialise with your husband. Keep some seperate. Do not over rely on that couple social circle because if shit hits the fan, those people want their social circle more than they want you.

Yes this does happen. It happened to me.

You really do find out who your real friends are during a divorce. A surprising number of my female friends sided with my ex. He charmed them utterly. After that I never trusted them.

Some crawled back years later. I hadn’t missed them and never forgot that they were prepared to believe him over me.

Divorce is horrible but years later I have better friends and the ones I hung on to are good. Good luck.

It happened to me and they all eventually saw him for what he really was. He played the sob story at first and made up a load of crap. My best friend of over 10 years even turned against me and uninvited me from her sons christening when I was supposed to be god mother! It took a year or 2 for people to see the truth but 🤷🏼‍♀️ I'm all about loyalty and don't have time for people like that in my life

"those people want their social circle more than they want you"
That or they just prefer the company of your husband over you. Doesn't mean they are bad people.