Unhappy generally for years

[dontcallmeduck]

Me and DH have been together 15 years, we have 2 young children. He is an amazing hands on Dad. But we haven’t been happy for years.

We now have different hobbies, me not so much hobbies but I run and like seeing friends and also unwinding binge watching crap tv. He has recently got into gaming but is much more introverted so doesn’t go out often at all with friends. He hates crap tv and prefers to read, listen to classical music or watch foreign films. So very different tastes. When we first got together our differences were no where near as noticeable.

We now both work full time and our evenings consist of running the children about or compromising on our unwinding which leaves one person unhappy. We also speak to each other like crap. He is quite short anyway, not a great communicator and has a short fuse. He can bark at the children and I often find I’m preemptions this and will shout at them (in a nicer way than his bark) before he does. I’m now feeling lethargic about so much, I don’t want to go on days out as it’s stressful. We don’t go on date nights as we have so little in common.

I just don’t know what to do. I’ve suggested counselling numerous times over the last few years but it’s never happened.

I really don’t want to not see my children every day by separating.

Anyone??

I think if he won't go to counselling and the vast differences separating is the only option

Do you think this is a good environment in which to raise your children? Is this how you want them to view relationships and marriage?

Sorry to hear that OP. Does your DH acknowledge things are bad too?

Have you considered solo therapy for the time-being? This would perhaps help you to understand your own wants and needs a bit better and where you aren't having these met, and what you could do for yourself to move towards a more happy and healthy life. It would certainly be a good idea for him to have counselling too but you can't force him to if he doesn't feel the same way. Although he should take responsibility, as talking to each other like crap isn't good for your DC and should cease ASAP.

Perhaps you could have a calm conversation and try and negotiate that he will seek couples therapy with you in say 6 months if things haven't improved? In the meantime however, the solo therapy would perhaps help you to gain a sense of objectivity and perspective over your whole situation and then communicate more healthily with him and each other.

I think solo therapy might be a good idea. I wanted to do couple as we’re really bad at communicating at the moment so I thought it would help, but I can’t force him. I’ll look into solo therapy.

I don’t think we’re giving my children a good example of married life at all, I just couldn’t bear not to see them every day though.

Well done OP. Good luck. I would get an initial consultation booked in ASAP so you start to feel as if you're doing something positive. X

I need to join this thread because I could have written the original post.
But I could add that he is grumpy all the time and talks like shit to me.
I am currently upstairs waiting for them to finish dinner cos we just had an argument and I just can't be near him.

I’ve found out the local place for free counselling and will give them a call tomorrow. I think there’s a lot of other problems too, such as we spend all of our money on the children rather than ever prioritising us and we’re both stressed with home improvements. Hopefully some counselling will help.

Sorry you’re in the same position kione, my DH is constantly grumpy too. I feel like I’m on egg shells at times.

Living on eggshells is akin in my mind to living in fear.

And no, he is not an amazing hands on dad either; where is your evidence for that exactly?. Look too at how you as their mother and in turn them are treated. Women in poor relationships often write that sort of guff when they can themselves think of nothing positive to write about their man.

Do you really think that such a man, a grumpy man who seems not to be much if at all bothered with his kids, will want to be bothered with them much post separation?. Better to be apart than to remain with such a selfish, grumpy and unfeeling person like your current husband. Your reason to remain therefore is pretty flimsy and besides which your kids are not going to say "thanks mum" for staying with him if you chose to. They will likely call you daft for staying and also accuse you of putting him before them.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Do you want them to grow up believing that a loveless marriage is their norm too?. You are showing them that currently at least, this from him is still acceptable to you on some level. Well it should not be and it is truly not.

Why are you compromising on unwinding? Each do your own thing when the kids are in bed.

Similar boat here too, but my difference is that he doesn't get how unhappy things are. I hear you about the lethargic part too.
He was out all day today and the kids and j had a great day. Partly coz I had to get on with it.

Good luck with the counselling. Sorry to hear a few of us on here are in similar situations x

I always thought if we separate I would use my time with them to the max, ie. clean, laundry, cook, all that when they are not here, and when they are I can just be with them without worrying about anything else.

The not being able to stand not seeing your children everyday is probably because your marriage has been so bad. People throw themselves into their children and get the affection, hugs and love from them that they miss in their marriage. The not seeing them everyday is something you will need to get used to anyway as they will leave to go to university and then possibly live in a other part of the Country. Kids do lose interest in you as they get older and to be honest you have done your job by then anyway.

You shouldn’t live your life this way as one day when they are gone, you will be left with a marriage that is dead. My mum was this person and in the end she just stayed with my dad as she felt she was too old and too worn down to move on. She was widowed at 60 and hasn’t had a relationship since. Basically she spent virtually all of her adult life unhappy and is now in the last few years of her life. It’s very sad to see and to have been part of and I would strongly recommend not using your children as an excuse not to do anything about your marriage.

He is an amazing hands on Dad. He does bedtimes most nights, gets involved with their activities, crafts with them, plus with them. I think a lot of our problem is that we’ve revolved so much of our lives around them. I could never fault him on being involved with the children, although he is grumpy. But again I see his parents speaking to the children the same way he does so I suspect it’s learnt behaviour.

He also wants us to do things together most of H time, I’d happily do our own thing more but he wants to spend time together but we don’t have the mutual interests anymore.

Hi @dontcallmeduck I left my H 6 months ago. We have 2 young DC. My main worry about leaving was exactly the same - I didn’t think I could cope with not having the kids. At present they spend Weds night with my H and I dreaded it, but took the decision that I would make the most of that time for myself. I’ve got a hobby on a Weds night now then I get up early & go to a yoga class on a Thursday morning. I just make the most of my time with the kids, I am much happier so we are happy. We laugh and dance and while things are still tricky as I am now going through divorce, I have no regrets. And in the long term hopefully the kids will be far better off. All the best to you x

Lots of marriages go this way, you just need to reach an understanding. If you can both live together nicely and split the responsibilities it can work out well as long as you don't feel a need to have another man in your life. Do your own hobbies, spend your own nights out of the house.. it can work unless you want a new relationship.

I have absolutely no interest in another relationship and don’t think he does either. I think we just need to work on reconnecting as friends, maybe finding some common interests and more. My children are both very attached to their Dad, so if ever we did split it would be 50/50 unless it didn’t suit the children. He would not be happy with anything less than that and I would not want him to have more than that.