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Relationships

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Original poster

How to stop being needy

18 replies

penygent · 08/09/2019 14:44

I've been dating now for 4 years. In that time my relationships always follow the same pattern.

They're super keen, we date for a bit, we start sleeping together, they start to lose interest. Then in the end it becomes me chasing them, even though before it was the other way around.

This has just happened with someone I really liked. He was mad keen, suddenly he flakes on plans a few times and then the tables seemed to turn with me chasing him. He flakes on plans a load more times and when I called him out on it he broke it off.

I feel needy and clingy like I'm scaring men away. If I don't change I know this will be the end of my chances, if it's not already!! I do have a lot going on in my own life but I always seem to be compromising more than them.

How do you stop being like this?

OP posts:

Highandlow · 08/09/2019 14:47

I don’t think you are needy . Maybe they are just the wrong men for you ? Flaking isn’t great.Maybe once they get flakey just leave them to it and don’t chase ?

Original poster

penygent · 08/09/2019 14:51

By flaky I mean, he says 'let's do something this weekend', then we I follow up and ask what we should do, he says 'actually I'm not sure now, might be busy etc'.

I admit it does drive me insane and I probably get more wound up than I should although I don't get angry at them.

OP posts:

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 08/09/2019 14:53

They are the wrong men, it's very unlikely to be because of you.
If a man really likes you, they wouldn't act like this.
Where are you meeting this men?

crappyday2018 · 08/09/2019 14:54

OP it sounds more to me like you're just picking the wrong guys, or that you;ve been unlucky. You say they chase you, then lose interest and its only then you become needy. So that tells me they are not great catches in the first place.
Set yourself some rules. Write them down. Even things like 'don't reply to texts straight away', 'never always be available when they are', 'don't cancel your own plans to be with them'.
It could be that if youre being too accommodating, they think you are a bit of a push-over. Take back some control and put yourself first, not them.

Unburnished · 08/09/2019 14:56

He doesn't want to commit in case something better comes along but he wants you as an option just in case it doesn't.

The thrill of the chase is over and you’re on the bench.

Sorry OP.

Urskeks · 08/09/2019 15:00

They sound into the chase.

Be less available straight away ie 'let me check my diary', 'let me get back to you about that' and so on

picklemepopcorn · 08/09/2019 15:02

Concentrate on filling your life with competing interests. Don't rely on a man to fill the spare spaces. That isn't a criticism, just that when men are a nice 'additional option', it all becomes easier to handle and you don't miss them when they get flaky!

OldWomanSaysThis · 08/09/2019 15:04

Be more suspicious of their "initial keen" part of this process. It doesn't really mean that much.

joystir59 · 08/09/2019 15:10

Start valuing yourself and waiting a bit to get to know them and develope a connection/relationship. Otherwise you are just going to have lots sex but wind up single for a long time.

bonitakitlee · 08/09/2019 15:13

I can recommend a book called women who love to much, it helped me no end with this problem.

userabcname · 08/09/2019 15:18

I think lots of people really enjoy the "thrill of the chase" and once they realise there's no chasing, they stop. These people are unlikely to want anything long-term or committed in all honesty. I dated a couple of guys like it when I was at uni - one broke it off because I once "answered the phone too quickly" (???!!) and that put him off. Anyway, when I met my now DH it was totally different - he always texted /rang, he wanted to see me, didn't flake on plans...it was so easy! I think it's just luck - you need to meet the right person. It's not you doing anything wrong!

Skittlenommer · 08/09/2019 15:29

You’re picking assholes. Time for a rethink The initial keenness of these men seems to be a ploy to get in your pants. Don’t fall for it! Hold off and get to know each other. Someone who is genuinely interested won’t mind waiting.

Everafter1 · 08/09/2019 16:04

Probably just haven't met the right one yet but yeah at the start I do believe it's good to keep your cards close to your chest.

You can be needy (from within) try to refrain from acting keen until it's more established. Until then you won't really know how the other feels & it's best not to give too much away to someone who's not deserving of you.

Don't trust immediately & hold off sleeping with someone until you've spent a decent amount of time with them. If it goes downhill after you've slept together you'll always be wondering if that's the reason & could make you feel vulnerable & add to the feelings of neediness.

Try not to initiates dates until he's initiated a few. If he flakes on a plan once keep that in mind & if you want to continue seeing him & he does it again, I'd say ditch him. I probably wouldn't initiate too much contact either tbh, but that's just me.

Above all if someone starts to lose interest, don't feel you have to pull them in. There's others out there who won't do this to you.

I took that approach with DP. I knew what I didn't want & knew what hadn't worked for me in the past.

Don't be scared to only accept what you know you deserve.

Original poster

penygent · 08/09/2019 17:48

He was mad keen, initiated all the dates at the start, initiated all contact. At first I was quite overwhelmed by it. The contact didn't really stop it was just he never wanted to actually meet up.

OP posts:

crappyday2018 · 08/09/2019 18:21

ALWAYS be wary of men who are over-keen at the start. It very often fizzles out as quickly as it starts. I have experience of this.

Original poster

penygent · 08/09/2019 18:25

As in he would plan 3 more dates from the first, send me pics and texts all day long a lot of which I didn't reply to. Then one weekend he had mentioned meeting up on Saturday and when I followed up on it he just ignored.

OP posts:

litterbird · 08/09/2019 18:43

Are you meeting these men on dating sites? I did a year on them and this was the common theme for the whole year of dating. They come on keen, then swipe right again to find someone else who they get keen on and flake out on you. Its really, really common I am afraid. I am ashamed to have done it too over that year. Its not you but if you are meeting men on OLD be prepared for this behaviour. There are nice men out there, just take your time, if they rush the stuff at the beginning I will guarantee it will fizzle out. You are not being needy just being human to try and ask and find out what you are doing at the weekend!!

Everafter1 · 08/09/2019 19:47

Yeah that's a bit much & very presumptuous! When someone really likes someone else they usually hold back a bit to avoid putting a foot wrong.
You'll know now the signs to look for with that type.

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